Top Chef Recap: Olive Garden Kicks Ass

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Monday, December 17, 2012 | 6:18 am | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Top Chef

So now the chefs have to make a sweet and savory holiday dish (that’s really hard to pronounce) and they need to base it on their own ethnic heritage. Which means the white people automatically have carte blanche to choose from all of European, Scandinavian, Slavic, North and South American cuisines, and no one can really bust them on it cuz DNA tests take too much time…

12 Micah Fields Is Pissed Top Chef 1006 49
this could also be why Moley looks so pissy

Not only that, but today’s dish also has to utilize a sugar-substitute that I’m going to continue to call Effluvia. Scar breathlessly informs us of the myriad benefits of using Effluvia…

13 Truvia Has Less Flavor Top Chef 1006 48
and best of all, it costs seven times as much as sugar

MeeMaw Marilyn reminds them that Effluvia is twice as sweet as sugar, twice as bitter as salt, and if you get hooked baby, it’s nobody else’s fault, so DON’T DO IT! Oh, and she also mentions that they only need to use half as much of it. Then Scar asks them to draw knives, and everybody thinks this is going to be some kind of secret ingredience, but it turns out all the knives say “OFF LIMITS” except for the one Lizzie Borden pulls…

14 Lizzie Binder Gets A Blank Knife Top Chef 1006 50
proving that Lizzies always get lucky when it comes to sharp edged tools

Sure enough, Scar says the only knife that will be available to the twelve of them is the one that Lizzie is holding in her hot little hands. They get 30 minutes to cook, and the winner gets to annoy everyone else in the Elimination Challenge. Time starts and as everyone scatters to start gathering their pots and pans and ingrediences, Lizzie actually leaves the knife in the open on her workstation. It is quickly grabbed by StacheBear, who starts slooooowly chopping up some bacon with it. Other chefs aren’t waiting, ThumbyHead Stefan is trying to painfully dice onions on a cheese grater, Top Model’s trying to run some greens through the meat-slicer, and Hater-Tots is using the dull edge of a spatula to obliterate some tomatoey-looking stuff.

Meanwhile, Lizzie is asking Stachey for the knife. He claims he’s a pretty good sharer “as long as I’m done with it.”…

15 Josh Valentine Says You Can Fuck The Hell Off Top Chef 1006 51
and in the meantime, go fuck yourself

After his bacon has been cut up into chunks precisely 7/16ths of an inch wide, StacheBear finally returns the knife to Lizzie and congratulates himself on what a fucking gentleman he is.

Now Eleyeza is being directed by producers into asking Rapunzel what she’s making. It’s some kind of bread pudding, but that’s not even the point, the real issue here is that Rapunzel has no clue what her ethnicity is because she’s adopted, so she’s really just borrowing this bread pudding thing from her caretakers…

16 Danyele Mcpherson Is Probably Armenian Top Chef 1006 52
cuz she’s most likely Armenian

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

17 Comments

  1. 1
    Daisy
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

    WE LOVE BLOWSIE! She is cool and always seems to be the most genuine person on these shows. Thumbhead was probably being a douche bag and the show was edited to make Blowsie look overbearing. So what?! They have a clock running at all times, who knows the real situation? Seems to me J-Mo you don’t like women.

  2. 2
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Josie is such a weirdo.
    My GAWD! she reminds me of Heffah that I work with.
    Stupid Heffah comes in serving female convict in the yard realness and will stand inches away from you KNOWING that your personal space is a 4′ radius.
    The kind of person that makes you look for a bag of oranges to swing on her with whenever she comes even near your office.
    Whew… well that felt good.

  3. 3
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Say what? Blowsie is the most genuine person on the show? Is there ANOTHER Top Chef series I am missing? Because on the show I watch, she’s quite annoying, and not genuine at all. And I can never forgive the burnt turkey and the complete a**holeishness of her treating her mistake like it was “aw, shucks, nothing’s really wrong”.

    (Of course, I also think CJ and Stefan are annoying, so apparently what do I know???)

    As for Hater-Tots, I am pretty sure I love him. He’s not always the best at timing, but he’s not a jerk in the normal sense. I kept praying stache-man would leave.

    J-Mo, please let us know if you really do hate women. I guess I can continue reading your incredible recaps and loving your kitty-porn, but I’ll have to curse you while I do it if you truly hate peeps like me. ;)

  4. 4
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Daisy obviously hates men. Can’t stand ‘em. It’s sooooo painfully clear.

  5. 5
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Nope, I don’t hate women, and if anybody needs proof of that, have a look at how I have treated Josh, CJ, and Micah this season… and then go back and see some of the things I’ve said about Ty-Lor Boring, Chris Jones, Chris Crary, Kevin Sbraga, Ed Cotton, Kenny Gilbert, Michael Voltaggio, Eli Kirshtein, Richard Blais, Dale Talde, Fabio Viviani, Spike Mendelsohn, Marcel Vigneron and Mike Isabella.

    love, J-Mo :)

  6. 6
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    I’m sure Blowsie is totally genuine since that’s not nearly the compliment people think it is. I mean she could genuinely be an asshole. See?

  7. 7
    badgerfreak
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Blowsie simply blows. Hence the appropriate name by J-Mo. She constantly hee-haws at everything, including when she’s standing in front of the judges on the chopping block. I’m not saying she needs to be overly serious about what she does, but this is a serious competition. Some of these chefs won’t get another shot at it like she mysteriously has.
    I was surprised when Daddy Tom said this food was a huge step up from last week. I kept getting the impression that they didn’t really enjoy most of the food. I felt like there were more negative things being said than positive.
    I’m a huge Parks and Rec fan, so I enjoy Chris Pratt and his ridiculousness, but I completely understand your point J-Mo, and it is valid. I did laugh at him though.
    I know this is from an episode ago already, but I forgot to mention it. As a Wisconsin-ite, cheese curds are a way of life here! I could NOT believe that the chefs didn’t know what they were in their team strange-ingredient challenge. Cheese curds are delicious, squeaky, perfect when fried awesome treat. They’re available at almost all restaurants here. I feel sad for people who’ve never had cheese curds. You know it’s fresh when it squeaks while you chew it. Delish.

  8. 8
    badgerfreak
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    I also have to say I think J-Mo is an equal opportunity hater. Men, women, in betweener, it doesn’t matter. Hate on J-Mo!

  9. 9
    Val Detinha
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Great recap, J-Mo!! Love your recaps so much! Thank you! I love you, J, even if you hate us, women! ;)

    I’m still confused about MeeMaw. Is she for real? I’ve passed through Grand Forks/ND, and they do have Spanish, Mexican Restaurants there…she doesn’t know what is a Tamale?? I hope Bourdain will teach her!!

    The spit foaming is disgusting…makes me gag!

    I don’t have a favorite yet…Any suggestions?

    Merry Christmas to Chica & Chunky and the whole Mo Family!!

  10. 10
    pinkylu
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    I’ve been reading your recaps for years and have never posted before, but after you quoted from White Lines, I just HAD to. It’s my jam & I officially am in love with you J-Mo! Freeze! Rock!

  11. 11
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Fabulous job as always. I enjoy your recaps more than I do the actual show. So far, Hater-Tots hasn’t done much to warrant his most hated chef title. He better step it up. Not liking Snidely Douche-stache much and I can’t stand Scar. She’s such a prissy pants. I couldn’t even remember Blowsie’s cooking from her season, but I did remember her teeth.

    Also have a feline brother and sister duo, Rotney and Lulu, who catch all of Bravo’s programming with me. They are both all black including their noses, except for an occasional white belly hair. They’ve tag-teamed and stripped the Christmas tree of everything but the lights. I’ll be finding ornaments until Easter.

  12. 12
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    Cock a Doodle whoo~ ya! I got a shout out-

    Gotta go snort some more effluvia.

    I love the olive garden lady… she reminds me of my beloved southern grandma who i miss like crazy.

  13. 13
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    I thought for sure BB-13′s Adam would at least stop here and make a comment since he bragged so much about you mentioning him in this recap on Twitter! He should brag cuz you are so awesome!

    Just thought you should know… I am a direct descendent of the real Lizzie Borden.

  14. 14
    AliceinPopLand
    Posted December 18, 2012 at 2:59 am

    oh dear sweet fluffy lord, can Stachebear please get kicked off so I can stop being ashamed of my state! Although good call on the pic of the OU fans butt crack, thats a common sight during football season.

  15. 15
    SuzieC
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Don’t get why MeeMaw’s restaurant review of the Olive Garden went viral. Was it because food snobs snickered and laughed at her for reviewing and worse, liking an Olive Garden? I’m a food snob too but I also have experience in small town America and get why an Olive Garden moving into your small town would be the greatest thing evah. I once lived in East Donkeyballs, Ark., when the whole town went mad with excitement after a Holiday Inn with a restaurant and bar moved in. It became the \in\ place to eat in town. Not that there were other choices, which is my point.

  16. 16
    brzysmom12
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    “Effluvia is twice as sweet as sugar, twice as bitter as salt, and if you get hooked baby, it’s nobody else’s fault, so DON’T DO IT!”
    You are the Grandmaster and I’m sure there is a flash going on at some point! I see I’m not the only one who got it!

  17. 17
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 20, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    I’m super late on reading the recap, J-Mo (and it was fabbing fuckulous, as usual), but I really wanted to comment on that video at the end:

    Loved it, dude. Didn’t even know the damn song existed, but with the montage it was amazeballs. Thank you.

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