Top Chef Recap: Season Of The A-Holes

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Monday, December 24, 2012 | 10:41 am | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Top Chef

Of course Daddy’s all “Ooooh, ouch!” over frozen product being used, but ThumbyHead yells out that the tuna at the store was old and brown and he didn’t want it, there was nothing else but the frozen stuff, which he insists is a find product from Japan. Hater-Tots mutters that it’s a fine product that’s been exposed to CO² and radiation (is he referring to the Fukushima disaster??!?… cuz if so, RUDE). Stefan interviews that it’s pathetic for Hater to be harping the way he is, and invites him to “Run into my knife, motherfucker!” as Daddy Tom giggles. For his part, Hater claims that he’s not being a whiny little bitch, he’s making “a political statement” that saku block tuna is not a sustainable fish…

54 John Tesar Doesn't Like Being Called Old Top Chef 1007 169
plus, the bald fucker called me old

Whatever. In any case, it looks like the festival is in full swing, because here come a buttload of people, including children (blech) and families and young people…

55 Old People Being Annoyed By Dirty Hipsters Top Chef 1007 170
and old people laughing at dirty hipsters

Watching the children reminds Moley Micah to tell us about his two daughters “Sage” and “Saffron”, who very nearly were named “Cayenne” and “Cinnamon” except Moley thought those sounded like stripper names, so he went with the ones that sounded much more like lesbians. And speaking of lesbians, it looks like Blowsie is running into serious timing issues, she doesn’t have a single one of her rawk’n'rolls built yet, and they’re supposed to be serving already. Like right now, cuz people are starting to ask her if they can taste what it is she has to offer…

56 Josie Smith-Malave Has No Food To Serve Top Chef 1007 171
how about instead of giving you food I just giggle a lot and make devil-horns with my hands?

Well, here come Daddy Tom, Gail Simmons, Yoda and Scar, and everybody looks totally holiday-ey all decked out in their Christmas-wear…

57 Tom Colicchio Gail Simmons Stephanie Izard Padma Lakshmi Top Chef 1007 172
except Scar, who is rocking a Tron game-grid

They begin at Rapunzel’s station and her chicken’n'blueberries…

58 Danyele Mcpherson Elimination Dish Top Chef 1007 07
that appear to be barfing

Then they immediately pick up a plate from her blueberry bro, StacheBear…

59 Josh Valentine Elimination Dish Top Chef 1007 13
who made the same damned thing, only with nuts instead of toast

Once they get to a picnic table, they decide to try Rapunzel’s dish first. Enormous crunching sounds ensue…

60 Stephanie Izard Loses A Crown Top Chef 1007 175
and then Yoda loses a crown

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted December 24, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    How is Blowsie still here? I’ve was expecting Daddy Tom to send her home as soon as he could for that turkey. And are her teeth to big for her to close her mouth. Her mouth is always open.

    I didn’t catch Stefan’s wave or comment. All I saw was him trying to Hater and Blosie flipping him off. Only thing I got out of that fight, is that he finds Blowsie as grating as the rest of the world.

    Lucky Chunky and Chica! I’m pretty sure all my cat is getting is coal. But she’s only 7 months old. So maybe Santa will give her a pass this year. Since it is her 1st Christmas.

  2. 2
    JimbobJones
    Posted December 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    “…but I’m gonna call bullshit and say she picked him because they’re both gingers and she wants to bang him…”

    Wow, until I read that sentence, I wasn’t sure that “projectile vomiting” was a real thing. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

    BTW, you owe me $200 for a new monitor.

  3. 3
    TallGirl
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 6:45 am

    I’ll have an interest in Last Chance Kitchen once UniBall is off. He has to have used up at least 8 of his lives thus far. Once Blowsie and Stachebear are sent packing, the next eliminated chef after that is when Last Chance gets very interesting.
    Confused, as well, over the whole Stefan and Blowsie blow-up. Next week looks REALLY interesting when she goes totally apesh*t while the other contestants look on with open mouths.
    Stefan is always such a flirt. He finds the cutest girl in the group and becomes her constant companion. Remember when he did that to Jamie/Turtle even though she’s gay?? I think that she even told him something along the lines of “You know I’m gay, right?”

  4. 4
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    If every dish was inexplicably served with a tongue depressor maybe we could solve our nations obesity problem. I feel so fat right now…

  5. 5
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Who puts fucking sausage in gazpaucho. I mean really.

  6. 6
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Ps your cats are freaking adorable in those hats

  7. 7
    mullymoon
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    just wanted to say a big thank you for adding on the last chance kitchen crap. mildly interested but don’t want to add to the time invested in this show. I guess I’ll vote Kristen? but we’ll see. I want to like stachebear (Is that what you call him?) But he makes it hard.
    Merry Christmas J-Mo! and all the gasmics!

  8. 8
    Val Detinha
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    J-Mo, your recaps are great! Thank you!

    I’m still puzzled at that cake Top Model made. Is it really possible to make that cake in less than 30 min and to bake it in the foil?? Amazing or bs??

    I liked Stephanie, but girlfriend is resembling a cavewoman with that hair! I was LMAO at your Yoda talk! :D

  9. 9
    Val Detinha
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Oh and my least favorite would be Thumby!

  10. 10
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 9:40 am

    J-Mo – your kitty christmas porn is adorable! Danke for that and the recap.

    Lord, let there be a Houdini challenge that requires these asshats to pick out their fish while in a tank in a straitjacket. What?? There would be someone to pull them out if they panic…eventually…

    Blowsie – you make me hate beavers, and chipmunks, and pianos (the white keys). Oh, and having to cheer CJ, if and when you get to the Last Chance Kitchen. You make me irrationally hate things!!! And based on the roller derby, more of her crackling and whooping and probably lame cooking. Hate!!!

    Thumby – my husband hates him. In an obsenity strewn diatribe way that he unleashed last night. It was a nice moment between us. :)

    This season is coming close to the fucktard nightmare that was forced on us during the DC season. Otherwise known as “NO FUCKING WAY!!” Top Chef.

    Team Super Model – she’s tall and looks good without makeup, so I should hate her. But, hey she is talented and seems sweet.

  11. 11
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Aw damn it’s good to be back and to find a J-Mo recap up, with all it’s glorious photos, captions, snark and hilarity.

    I just got out of the hospital tonight (having been there since Monday – yes, Christmas Eve).

    Double yay!

  12. 12
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Amy, hope you are feeling better.

  13. 13
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    Aww, thanks, LAC. I was for awhile and now I’m crossing my fingers that it doesn’t come back (partial intestinal blockage treated with “gut rest” ie a clear liquid only diet. For three. Effing. Days. McRib :-) Yum mm.

    I left the hospital and went straight for a

  14. 14
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    McRib! McRib! Why did it cut it off? Sigh.

  15. 15
    arizonatom arizonatom
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Great recap, J-Mo!

    Even Helen Keller could’ve told that there was a pineapple in that foil package Hater-Tots picked, not a “pot of herbs”! Asshole!

    I can’t believe Bart put the foil on his head to make his bowl – kinda’ made me wonder if the judges would refuse to taste his food, but maybe they didn’t see that.

    Moley and his raw-ass Lamb! What else can I say? Except that maybe he should have named his girls Anise and Artemisia. Or Bay Leaf and Basil?

    Gail called it at the berry farm – Blowsie was trippin’ for sure. She must have tasted the crack instead of the crab when she was preparing things for her dish (I can’t really say “making” her dish, ‘cuz she didn’t do much of that). Blowsie should have gone home. I am SO tired of her.

    I say Top Model for the win!!!!

    Lots O’ Love

    Bay Leaf and Basil

  16. 16
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    I don’t think Blowsie passed the “keep your hands to yourself” part of Kindergarten and that face noogie she pulled on poor Lizzie Borden, geeze. She can’t seem to keep her hands off the poor woman. She is beyond annoying.

    Hater-Tots is a tattle-tale. He didn’t add the part about the tuna not being “sustainable” until way late in the game. He was like chicken-licken, “IT’S FROZEN TUNA!” Yeah, we heard you the first time, but I thought he was gonna win by his own stunning culinary skills not some douchey move like that. “Daddy Tom, he’s using frozen tuna!”

    Had to be one of the funniest episodes ever, but your recap took it over the top. Fabulous job!

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