Top Chef Recap: Season Of The A-Holes

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Monday, December 24, 2012 | 10:41 am | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Top Chef

She says it’s definitely crunchy, and Daddy Tom complains that the chicken terrine is rubbery and flavorless. Back over at her station, Rapunzel says she can actually hear people eating her dish…

she’s wrong, that’s the sound of her career

Moving on to StacheBear, Daddy Tom likes what he did with adding spice to the blueberries, but he wishes there was more of it. Gail agrees that it’s very balanced and delicate, but she’s wishing there was a little more crunch to add some texture to it. Yoda points to her fractured dentalwork and says she’s had plenty of crunch to last the rest of the day.

Next, they attempt to go to Blowsie’s station and get some food. As they walk up, Daddy Tom reads Blowsie’s dish description, his voice dripping with groaning disbelief…

62 Josie Smith-Malave And Her Stupid Rock'n'raspberry Roll Top Chef 1007 178
can you guys please just send her home for this alone?

Blowsie is being really extra super annoying, braying fake-laughter and blaring her bullshit filler monologue at them, “Rock’n'RASPberry, what’s UP, GUYS, howya DOOin’??!? We’re havin’ FUN at the BERRY FESTIVAL todaaaaay, we’re making a NICE little SUMMER ROLLLLLL, I’m gonna do a little AFTER SHOW as well, um, to SHOW YOU how I MAKE some…” Gail Simmons is giving Blowsie a major case of side-eye…

63 Gail Simmons Gives Josie Smith-Malave The Side-Eye Top Chef 1007 179
and I fucking love her for it

I love her even more when mid-monologue Gail leans over to Daddy Tom and straight-up asks “Is she high?” Daddy Tom’s all “Um, yeah.” And Blowsie’s still yapping, going on and on and on about the dish, to the point where Gail starts making hurry-up twirly-fingers and telling her to keep cooking while she blabs. Daddy Tom agrees, “You gotta make the dish!” Blowsie’s response? Is to just cackle even louder…

64 Tom Colicchio Gail Simmons Stephanie Izard Padma Lakshmi Are Hungry And Annoyed Top Chef 1007 180
and ignore the irritated looks from across the table

Finally, she presents a dish…

65 Josie Smith-Malave Elimination Dish Top Chef 1007 15
that once again looks like Pepto-Fuckin’-Bismol

66 Tom Colicchio Looks Grossed Out Top Chef 1007 182
or a used tampon

They cut to a group of pissed-off diners who are complaining about how Blowsie is taking forevah to actually put out any food, but she sure seems to be screeching an awful lot. Meanwhile the judges have been able to get swift service in the form of actual food from Lizzie Borden…

67 Lizzie Binder Elimination Dish Top Chef 1007 09
that doesn’t need a cutesy name

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted December 24, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    How is Blowsie still here? I’ve was expecting Daddy Tom to send her home as soon as he could for that turkey. And are her teeth to big for her to close her mouth. Her mouth is always open.

    I didn’t catch Stefan’s wave or comment. All I saw was him trying to Hater and Blosie flipping him off. Only thing I got out of that fight, is that he finds Blowsie as grating as the rest of the world.

    Lucky Chunky and Chica! I’m pretty sure all my cat is getting is coal. But she’s only 7 months old. So maybe Santa will give her a pass this year. Since it is her 1st Christmas.

  2. 2
    JimbobJones
    Posted December 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    “…but I’m gonna call bullshit and say she picked him because they’re both gingers and she wants to bang him…”

    Wow, until I read that sentence, I wasn’t sure that “projectile vomiting” was a real thing. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

    BTW, you owe me $200 for a new monitor.

  3. 3
    TallGirl
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 6:45 am

    I’ll have an interest in Last Chance Kitchen once UniBall is off. He has to have used up at least 8 of his lives thus far. Once Blowsie and Stachebear are sent packing, the next eliminated chef after that is when Last Chance gets very interesting.
    Confused, as well, over the whole Stefan and Blowsie blow-up. Next week looks REALLY interesting when she goes totally apesh*t while the other contestants look on with open mouths.
    Stefan is always such a flirt. He finds the cutest girl in the group and becomes her constant companion. Remember when he did that to Jamie/Turtle even though she’s gay?? I think that she even told him something along the lines of “You know I’m gay, right?”

  4. 4
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    If every dish was inexplicably served with a tongue depressor maybe we could solve our nations obesity problem. I feel so fat right now…

  5. 5
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Who puts fucking sausage in gazpaucho. I mean really.

  6. 6
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Ps your cats are freaking adorable in those hats

  7. 7
    mullymoon
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    just wanted to say a big thank you for adding on the last chance kitchen crap. mildly interested but don’t want to add to the time invested in this show. I guess I’ll vote Kristen? but we’ll see. I want to like stachebear (Is that what you call him?) But he makes it hard.
    Merry Christmas J-Mo! and all the gasmics!

  8. 8
    Val Detinha
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    J-Mo, your recaps are great! Thank you!

    I’m still puzzled at that cake Top Model made. Is it really possible to make that cake in less than 30 min and to bake it in the foil?? Amazing or bs??

    I liked Stephanie, but girlfriend is resembling a cavewoman with that hair! I was LMAO at your Yoda talk! :D

  9. 9
    Val Detinha
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Oh and my least favorite would be Thumby!

  10. 10
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 9:40 am

    J-Mo – your kitty christmas porn is adorable! Danke for that and the recap.

    Lord, let there be a Houdini challenge that requires these asshats to pick out their fish while in a tank in a straitjacket. What?? There would be someone to pull them out if they panic…eventually…

    Blowsie – you make me hate beavers, and chipmunks, and pianos (the white keys). Oh, and having to cheer CJ, if and when you get to the Last Chance Kitchen. You make me irrationally hate things!!! And based on the roller derby, more of her crackling and whooping and probably lame cooking. Hate!!!

    Thumby – my husband hates him. In an obsenity strewn diatribe way that he unleashed last night. It was a nice moment between us. :)

    This season is coming close to the fucktard nightmare that was forced on us during the DC season. Otherwise known as “NO FUCKING WAY!!” Top Chef.

    Team Super Model – she’s tall and looks good without makeup, so I should hate her. But, hey she is talented and seems sweet.

  11. 11
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Aw damn it’s good to be back and to find a J-Mo recap up, with all it’s glorious photos, captions, snark and hilarity.

    I just got out of the hospital tonight (having been there since Monday – yes, Christmas Eve).

    Double yay!

  12. 12
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Amy, hope you are feeling better.

  13. 13
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    Aww, thanks, LAC. I was for awhile and now I’m crossing my fingers that it doesn’t come back (partial intestinal blockage treated with “gut rest” ie a clear liquid only diet. For three. Effing. Days. McRib :-) Yum mm.

    I left the hospital and went straight for a

  14. 14
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    McRib! McRib! Why did it cut it off? Sigh.

  15. 15
    arizonatom arizonatom
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Great recap, J-Mo!

    Even Helen Keller could’ve told that there was a pineapple in that foil package Hater-Tots picked, not a “pot of herbs”! Asshole!

    I can’t believe Bart put the foil on his head to make his bowl – kinda’ made me wonder if the judges would refuse to taste his food, but maybe they didn’t see that.

    Moley and his raw-ass Lamb! What else can I say? Except that maybe he should have named his girls Anise and Artemisia. Or Bay Leaf and Basil?

    Gail called it at the berry farm – Blowsie was trippin’ for sure. She must have tasted the crack instead of the crab when she was preparing things for her dish (I can’t really say “making” her dish, ‘cuz she didn’t do much of that). Blowsie should have gone home. I am SO tired of her.

    I say Top Model for the win!!!!

    Lots O’ Love

    Bay Leaf and Basil

  16. 16
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    I don’t think Blowsie passed the “keep your hands to yourself” part of Kindergarten and that face noogie she pulled on poor Lizzie Borden, geeze. She can’t seem to keep her hands off the poor woman. She is beyond annoying.

    Hater-Tots is a tattle-tale. He didn’t add the part about the tuna not being “sustainable” until way late in the game. He was like chicken-licken, “IT’S FROZEN TUNA!” Yeah, we heard you the first time, but I thought he was gonna win by his own stunning culinary skills not some douchey move like that. “Daddy Tom, he’s using frozen tuna!”

    Had to be one of the funniest episodes ever, but your recap took it over the top. Fabulous job!

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