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Monday, December 24, 2012
10:41 am
16 Comments
Tagged: Bart Vandaele, bravo, Brooke Williamson, chef, Christmas Kitty Porn, CJ Jacobsen, competition, cooking, Danyele McPherson, fucking product placement, Gail Simmons, hideous hags, J-Mo, John Tesar, Josh Valentine, Josie blows, Josie Smith-Malave, Kristen Kish, Last Chance Kitchen, Lizzie Binder, Micah Fields, padma lakshmi, reality, reality tv, recap, recaps, seattle, Sheldon Simeon, show, snozzberries taste like snozzberries, Stefan Richter, Stephanie Izard, The Blowsie Show, Thumby vs Hater-Tots, Tinfoil is my Jesus, tom colicchio, top chef, Top Chef Seattle, totally unlikable cast, TV, tvgasm, watching adults fight like children
This is followed closely by ThumbyHead’s irradiated non-sustainable politically upsetting seal-clubbing Japanese frozen fish-sticks…
that still manage to look tastier than Hater-Tots’ dish
Gail says Stefan did a great job on his crudo, she loves the spice and the crunchy cucumber salad, but she didn’t taste much gooseberry. Daddy Tom agrees, less sauce and more gooseberry would have made an already good dish even better. Hater-Tots isn’t getting much love, though, cuz Yoda says the chorizo overpowered everything, and Scar believes he has two dishes in the same cup… that he put in a blender. A random diner says it reminded him of cheeseburger soup, and that’s where I start to gag, because nobody should ever drink a hamburger.
Let’s move on to McBitchyson and her 697-ingredience dish…
purple pain
Sir Barts-a-lot has a much simpler cup’o'food…
inexplicably served with a tongue-depressor
Daddy says he likes Bart’s soup, it’s delicious, and the rhubarb is a nice touch, but the salmon is “as bland as it gets”, and Yoda agrees, it would have been much better without the fish in it. They cut to some bitchy mom snotting that her little girl refused to try it, and mom proudly claims it was “good judgement” on the part of a 2-year-old…
um, no, it wasn’t, your little brat clearly already filled up on her own boogers
Gail says McBitchyson’s dessert is really smart, she did a nice job, and Daddy thinks it reminds him of s’mores. Well, s’mores made out of twenty times the ingrediences of regular s’mores. And finally, it’s time to try the solo dish of the day, which belongs to Top Model…
sorry, I couldn’t stop myself
Daddy Tom loves her custard, he thinks it’s the perfect texture and not too sweet. Yoda chimes in that the tayberries macerated in olive oil is one of her favorite components of the entire day. Cue the montage of people voting madly for Top Model…
sorry, Ty-Ty, nobody’s talking about you
Back over in Gooseberry Grove, Hater-Tots and ThumbyHead are still trading barbs with one another over the whole frozen tuna thing, and it’s getting really old. Much like the two of them. Stefan says Hater’s gazpacho is gritty and terrible, and Totsy just keeps repeating “frozen fish” over and over again.
Tonight’s vignette is also repetitive, because it’s all about how fucking annoying Blowsie is…
and how she refuses to take Lizzie’s non-verbal hints to stop touching her
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16 Comments
How is Blowsie still here? I’ve was expecting Daddy Tom to send her home as soon as he could for that turkey. And are her teeth to big for her to close her mouth. Her mouth is always open.
I didn’t catch Stefan’s wave or comment. All I saw was him trying to Hater and Blosie flipping him off. Only thing I got out of that fight, is that he finds Blowsie as grating as the rest of the world.
Lucky Chunky and Chica! I’m pretty sure all my cat is getting is coal. But she’s only 7 months old. So maybe Santa will give her a pass this year. Since it is her 1st Christmas.
“…but I’m gonna call bullshit and say she picked him because they’re both gingers and she wants to bang him…”
Wow, until I read that sentence, I wasn’t sure that “projectile vomiting” was a real thing. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
BTW, you owe me $200 for a new monitor.
I’ll have an interest in Last Chance Kitchen once UniBall is off. He has to have used up at least 8 of his lives thus far. Once Blowsie and Stachebear are sent packing, the next eliminated chef after that is when Last Chance gets very interesting.
Confused, as well, over the whole Stefan and Blowsie blow-up. Next week looks REALLY interesting when she goes totally apesh*t while the other contestants look on with open mouths.
Stefan is always such a flirt. He finds the cutest girl in the group and becomes her constant companion. Remember when he did that to Jamie/Turtle even though she’s gay?? I think that she even told him something along the lines of “You know I’m gay, right?”
If every dish was inexplicably served with a tongue depressor maybe we could solve our nations obesity problem. I feel so fat right now…
Who puts fucking sausage in gazpaucho. I mean really.
Ps your cats are freaking adorable in those hats
just wanted to say a big thank you for adding on the last chance kitchen crap. mildly interested but don’t want to add to the time invested in this show. I guess I’ll vote Kristen? but we’ll see. I want to like stachebear (Is that what you call him?) But he makes it hard.
Merry Christmas J-Mo! and all the gasmics!
J-Mo, your recaps are great! Thank you!
I’m still puzzled at that cake Top Model made. Is it really possible to make that cake in less than 30 min and to bake it in the foil?? Amazing or bs??
I liked Stephanie, but girlfriend is resembling a cavewoman with that hair! I was LMAO at your Yoda talk!
Oh and my least favorite would be Thumby!
J-Mo – your kitty christmas porn is adorable! Danke for that and the recap.
Lord, let there be a Houdini challenge that requires these asshats to pick out their fish while in a tank in a straitjacket. What?? There would be someone to pull them out if they panic…eventually…
Blowsie – you make me hate beavers, and chipmunks, and pianos (the white keys). Oh, and having to cheer CJ, if and when you get to the Last Chance Kitchen. You make me irrationally hate things!!! And based on the roller derby, more of her crackling and whooping and probably lame cooking. Hate!!!
Thumby – my husband hates him. In an obsenity strewn diatribe way that he unleashed last night. It was a nice moment between us.
This season is coming close to the fucktard nightmare that was forced on us during the DC season. Otherwise known as “NO FUCKING WAY!!” Top Chef.
Team Super Model – she’s tall and looks good without makeup, so I should hate her. But, hey she is talented and seems sweet.
Aw damn it’s good to be back and to find a J-Mo recap up, with all it’s glorious photos, captions, snark and hilarity.
I just got out of the hospital tonight (having been there since Monday – yes, Christmas Eve).
Double yay!
Amy, hope you are feeling better.
Aww, thanks, LAC. I was for awhile and now I’m crossing my fingers that it doesn’t come back (partial intestinal blockage treated with “gut rest” ie a clear liquid only diet. For three. Effing. Days. McRib
Yum mm.
I left the hospital and went straight for a
McRib! McRib! Why did it cut it off? Sigh.
Great recap, J-Mo!
Even Helen Keller could’ve told that there was a pineapple in that foil package Hater-Tots picked, not a “pot of herbs”! Asshole!
I can’t believe Bart put the foil on his head to make his bowl – kinda’ made me wonder if the judges would refuse to taste his food, but maybe they didn’t see that.
Moley and his raw-ass Lamb! What else can I say? Except that maybe he should have named his girls Anise and Artemisia. Or Bay Leaf and Basil?
Gail called it at the berry farm – Blowsie was trippin’ for sure. She must have tasted the crack instead of the crab when she was preparing things for her dish (I can’t really say “making” her dish, ‘cuz she didn’t do much of that). Blowsie should have gone home. I am SO tired of her.
I say Top Model for the win!!!!
Lots O’ Love
Bay Leaf and Basil
I don’t think Blowsie passed the “keep your hands to yourself” part of Kindergarten and that face noogie she pulled on poor Lizzie Borden, geeze. She can’t seem to keep her hands off the poor woman. She is beyond annoying.
Hater-Tots is a tattle-tale. He didn’t add the part about the tuna not being “sustainable” until way late in the game. He was like chicken-licken, “IT’S FROZEN TUNA!” Yeah, we heard you the first time, but I thought he was gonna win by his own stunning culinary skills not some douchey move like that. “Daddy Tom, he’s using frozen tuna!”
Had to be one of the funniest episodes ever, but your recap took it over the top. Fabulous job!