Top Chef Recap: Season Of The A-Holes

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Monday, December 24, 2012 | 10:41 am | 16 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Top Chef

For once I have to agree with StacheBear when he says a little piece of him dies every time Blowsie caws that grating cackle of hers. In any case, we’re finally back in the Stew Room again, and fuck me if ThumbyHead Stefan and Hater-Tots aren’t still going at it about the fucking frozen tuna! Stefan winds up going around the room and asking each of the chefs if they’ve ever used saku block tuna in their lives, and they all answer yes, at which point Stefan jumps up and demands a blowjob from Hater-Tots…

80 Stefan Richter Wants Head From John Tesar Top Chef 1007 205
um, never in life would I do that for a man wearing socks’n'crocs

Thankfully Scar arrives just in time to ask that Hater-Tots, Blowsie, Sir Barts-a-lot, Moley and Rapunzel join her at the Judges’ Table. As they all leave, StacheBear asks in a low voice “That’s the bottom?” and ThumbyHead snaps “Of course it’s the bottom, what are you, fucking high?”…

81 Stefan Richter And Josh Valentine Are Tops For Once Top Chef 1007 206
well, this is StacheBear we’re talking about
bottom in three out of the last five challenges

At the Judges’ Table, Scar reveals that the gathered group lost their head-to-head battles according to the diners votes. Daddy Tom says the Judges all had the exact same choices as well, so nobody can claim it’s the boneheaded public’s fault (like we do when elections don’t go the way we want them to).

For starters, Scar asks Moley if he’s shocked to have lost out to Stoner Sheldon, and Moley says they had very different dishes, but Stoner’s dish “pooped”. Oh, wait, sorry, he said it “popped”, my bad. Scar wants to know if Moley ever tried to eat his dish all together, to which Moley replies he did, he liked it and thought it was a great concept. Daddy Tom wants to know how he felt he executed that concept, and after a bunch more blathering, Moley sorta half-heartedly mentions his biscuit maybe not having enough strawberry flavor. Gail tells him it was just off, period, it was dense and chewy and lacked any shred of strawberry essence…

82 Micah Fields Is No Longer Listening Top Chef 1007 208
aaand Moley’s no longer listening

They move on to Blowsie, who has stopped maniacally laughing long enough to not be shocked that people thought her dish sucked. Amazingly, she was able to hear Lizzie Borden thanking several people for their votes over the freight-train shriek of her lame little vaudeville show. Gail nails her by pointing out the challenge “was not about doing a demo!” Blowsie digs her heels in and claims she wasn’t trying to make it be about doing a demonstration, but she had to try and entertain while she struggled to put her food out…

83 Josie Smith-Malave Makes More Excuses Top Chef 1007 209
and I know I’m super adorable when I squinch up my face like this, amirite?

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted December 24, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    How is Blowsie still here? I’ve was expecting Daddy Tom to send her home as soon as he could for that turkey. And are her teeth to big for her to close her mouth. Her mouth is always open.

    I didn’t catch Stefan’s wave or comment. All I saw was him trying to Hater and Blosie flipping him off. Only thing I got out of that fight, is that he finds Blowsie as grating as the rest of the world.

    Lucky Chunky and Chica! I’m pretty sure all my cat is getting is coal. But she’s only 7 months old. So maybe Santa will give her a pass this year. Since it is her 1st Christmas.

  2. 2
    JimbobJones
    Posted December 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    “…but I’m gonna call bullshit and say she picked him because they’re both gingers and she wants to bang him…”

    Wow, until I read that sentence, I wasn’t sure that “projectile vomiting” was a real thing. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

    BTW, you owe me $200 for a new monitor.

  3. 3
    TallGirl
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 6:45 am

    I’ll have an interest in Last Chance Kitchen once UniBall is off. He has to have used up at least 8 of his lives thus far. Once Blowsie and Stachebear are sent packing, the next eliminated chef after that is when Last Chance gets very interesting.
    Confused, as well, over the whole Stefan and Blowsie blow-up. Next week looks REALLY interesting when she goes totally apesh*t while the other contestants look on with open mouths.
    Stefan is always such a flirt. He finds the cutest girl in the group and becomes her constant companion. Remember when he did that to Jamie/Turtle even though she’s gay?? I think that she even told him something along the lines of “You know I’m gay, right?”

  4. 4
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    If every dish was inexplicably served with a tongue depressor maybe we could solve our nations obesity problem. I feel so fat right now…

  5. 5
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Who puts fucking sausage in gazpaucho. I mean really.

  6. 6
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Ps your cats are freaking adorable in those hats

  7. 7
    mullymoon
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    just wanted to say a big thank you for adding on the last chance kitchen crap. mildly interested but don’t want to add to the time invested in this show. I guess I’ll vote Kristen? but we’ll see. I want to like stachebear (Is that what you call him?) But he makes it hard.
    Merry Christmas J-Mo! and all the gasmics!

  8. 8
    Val Detinha
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    J-Mo, your recaps are great! Thank you!

    I’m still puzzled at that cake Top Model made. Is it really possible to make that cake in less than 30 min and to bake it in the foil?? Amazing or bs??

    I liked Stephanie, but girlfriend is resembling a cavewoman with that hair! I was LMAO at your Yoda talk! :D

  9. 9
    Val Detinha
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Oh and my least favorite would be Thumby!

  10. 10
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 9:40 am

    J-Mo – your kitty christmas porn is adorable! Danke for that and the recap.

    Lord, let there be a Houdini challenge that requires these asshats to pick out their fish while in a tank in a straitjacket. What?? There would be someone to pull them out if they panic…eventually…

    Blowsie – you make me hate beavers, and chipmunks, and pianos (the white keys). Oh, and having to cheer CJ, if and when you get to the Last Chance Kitchen. You make me irrationally hate things!!! And based on the roller derby, more of her crackling and whooping and probably lame cooking. Hate!!!

    Thumby – my husband hates him. In an obsenity strewn diatribe way that he unleashed last night. It was a nice moment between us. :)

    This season is coming close to the fucktard nightmare that was forced on us during the DC season. Otherwise known as “NO FUCKING WAY!!” Top Chef.

    Team Super Model – she’s tall and looks good without makeup, so I should hate her. But, hey she is talented and seems sweet.

  11. 11
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Aw damn it’s good to be back and to find a J-Mo recap up, with all it’s glorious photos, captions, snark and hilarity.

    I just got out of the hospital tonight (having been there since Monday – yes, Christmas Eve).

    Double yay!

  12. 12
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Amy, hope you are feeling better.

  13. 13
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    Aww, thanks, LAC. I was for awhile and now I’m crossing my fingers that it doesn’t come back (partial intestinal blockage treated with “gut rest” ie a clear liquid only diet. For three. Effing. Days. McRib :-) Yum mm.

    I left the hospital and went straight for a

  14. 14
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    McRib! McRib! Why did it cut it off? Sigh.

  15. 15
    arizonatom arizonatom
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Great recap, J-Mo!

    Even Helen Keller could’ve told that there was a pineapple in that foil package Hater-Tots picked, not a “pot of herbs”! Asshole!

    I can’t believe Bart put the foil on his head to make his bowl – kinda’ made me wonder if the judges would refuse to taste his food, but maybe they didn’t see that.

    Moley and his raw-ass Lamb! What else can I say? Except that maybe he should have named his girls Anise and Artemisia. Or Bay Leaf and Basil?

    Gail called it at the berry farm – Blowsie was trippin’ for sure. She must have tasted the crack instead of the crab when she was preparing things for her dish (I can’t really say “making” her dish, ‘cuz she didn’t do much of that). Blowsie should have gone home. I am SO tired of her.

    I say Top Model for the win!!!!

    Lots O’ Love

    Bay Leaf and Basil

  16. 16
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    I don’t think Blowsie passed the “keep your hands to yourself” part of Kindergarten and that face noogie she pulled on poor Lizzie Borden, geeze. She can’t seem to keep her hands off the poor woman. She is beyond annoying.

    Hater-Tots is a tattle-tale. He didn’t add the part about the tuna not being “sustainable” until way late in the game. He was like chicken-licken, “IT’S FROZEN TUNA!” Yeah, we heard you the first time, but I thought he was gonna win by his own stunning culinary skills not some douchey move like that. “Daddy Tom, he’s using frozen tuna!”

    Had to be one of the funniest episodes ever, but your recap took it over the top. Fabulous job!

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