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Monday, December 24, 2012
10:41 am
16 Comments
Tagged: Bart Vandaele, bravo, Brooke Williamson, chef, Christmas Kitty Porn, CJ Jacobsen, competition, cooking, Danyele McPherson, fucking product placement, Gail Simmons, hideous hags, J-Mo, John Tesar, Josh Valentine, Josie blows, Josie Smith-Malave, Kristen Kish, Last Chance Kitchen, Lizzie Binder, Micah Fields, padma lakshmi, reality, reality tv, recap, recaps, seattle, Sheldon Simeon, show, snozzberries taste like snozzberries, Stefan Richter, Stephanie Izard, The Blowsie Show, Thumby vs Hater-Tots, Tinfoil is my Jesus, tom colicchio, top chef, Top Chef Seattle, totally unlikable cast, TV, tvgasm, watching adults fight like children
Then StacheBear glumly tells everybody he’s not going to cook any more pork for a while, and interviews that it’s really difficult for him to keep getting “dinged” on pigflesh when that’s what he cooks every day. He must really be upset over this…
his mustache is starting to lose its erection
Then he makes a weird comment about his butt having eaten all his underwear (!!!) which grosses out Stoner Sheldon (and America)…
that’s not really the way buttholes work, but whatever
The next day the chefs arrive at the EZ-Bake Kitchen™ to find Scar standing there with the winner from Top Chef Season 4, Stephanie “Yoda” Izard…
judging your food today I am
In case you guys are wondering where Stephanie’s nickname came from, she apparently admitted when she first appeared on the show that she was “obsessed” with Yoda, wore a Yoda T-shirt and Yoda backpack in her audition video, and even showcased her oversized Yoda Pez™ dispenser, which we all know is a sure-fire sign of a true culinarian…
badass this is?
Also, out of respect to other recappers (like the lovely LoLo) I pretty much leave previously given nicknames as is. In any case, as the chefs enter the kitchen and see StephYoda, we hear Blowsie excitedly say “She’s coming back into the competition!”, which is completely stupid, and here’s why: first, they’ve already used that lame trick with Blowsie, UniBall and ThumbyHead Stefan, the Magical Elves aren’t going to do it again in the same season. Second, Yoda doesn’t need to compete for Top Chef since DUH, she already won!…
and third, shut the hell up, Blowsie
Yoda tells the chefs about how great it is to be there and not be competing. Scar points out that Yoda is the first TC winner to be named one of Food & Whine’s Best New Chefs… and is also the sole female winner in ten seasons of this show. “So far…” amends Yoda, which is really cool of her to be so hopeful, and kinda simultaneously sad that this shit is still such a boys club.
Anyhow, today’s QuickFire challenge is deceptively simple: Scar says the chefs have half an hour to make anything they want. The only catch is that while they were asleep, some poor Production Assistant was busy covering every single piece of food in the pantry with tinfoil (courtesy of brand Ben Olds Crap)…
and now everything looks like a space-age dildo
TV Social
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16 Comments
How is Blowsie still here? I’ve was expecting Daddy Tom to send her home as soon as he could for that turkey. And are her teeth to big for her to close her mouth. Her mouth is always open.
I didn’t catch Stefan’s wave or comment. All I saw was him trying to Hater and Blosie flipping him off. Only thing I got out of that fight, is that he finds Blowsie as grating as the rest of the world.
Lucky Chunky and Chica! I’m pretty sure all my cat is getting is coal. But she’s only 7 months old. So maybe Santa will give her a pass this year. Since it is her 1st Christmas.
“…but I’m gonna call bullshit and say she picked him because they’re both gingers and she wants to bang him…”
Wow, until I read that sentence, I wasn’t sure that “projectile vomiting” was a real thing. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
BTW, you owe me $200 for a new monitor.
I’ll have an interest in Last Chance Kitchen once UniBall is off. He has to have used up at least 8 of his lives thus far. Once Blowsie and Stachebear are sent packing, the next eliminated chef after that is when Last Chance gets very interesting.
Confused, as well, over the whole Stefan and Blowsie blow-up. Next week looks REALLY interesting when she goes totally apesh*t while the other contestants look on with open mouths.
Stefan is always such a flirt. He finds the cutest girl in the group and becomes her constant companion. Remember when he did that to Jamie/Turtle even though she’s gay?? I think that she even told him something along the lines of “You know I’m gay, right?”
If every dish was inexplicably served with a tongue depressor maybe we could solve our nations obesity problem. I feel so fat right now…
Who puts fucking sausage in gazpaucho. I mean really.
Ps your cats are freaking adorable in those hats
just wanted to say a big thank you for adding on the last chance kitchen crap. mildly interested but don’t want to add to the time invested in this show. I guess I’ll vote Kristen? but we’ll see. I want to like stachebear (Is that what you call him?) But he makes it hard.
Merry Christmas J-Mo! and all the gasmics!
J-Mo, your recaps are great! Thank you!
I’m still puzzled at that cake Top Model made. Is it really possible to make that cake in less than 30 min and to bake it in the foil?? Amazing or bs??
I liked Stephanie, but girlfriend is resembling a cavewoman with that hair! I was LMAO at your Yoda talk!
Oh and my least favorite would be Thumby!
J-Mo – your kitty christmas porn is adorable! Danke for that and the recap.
Lord, let there be a Houdini challenge that requires these asshats to pick out their fish while in a tank in a straitjacket. What?? There would be someone to pull them out if they panic…eventually…
Blowsie – you make me hate beavers, and chipmunks, and pianos (the white keys). Oh, and having to cheer CJ, if and when you get to the Last Chance Kitchen. You make me irrationally hate things!!! And based on the roller derby, more of her crackling and whooping and probably lame cooking. Hate!!!
Thumby – my husband hates him. In an obsenity strewn diatribe way that he unleashed last night. It was a nice moment between us.
This season is coming close to the fucktard nightmare that was forced on us during the DC season. Otherwise known as “NO FUCKING WAY!!” Top Chef.
Team Super Model – she’s tall and looks good without makeup, so I should hate her. But, hey she is talented and seems sweet.
Aw damn it’s good to be back and to find a J-Mo recap up, with all it’s glorious photos, captions, snark and hilarity.
I just got out of the hospital tonight (having been there since Monday – yes, Christmas Eve).
Double yay!
Amy, hope you are feeling better.
Aww, thanks, LAC. I was for awhile and now I’m crossing my fingers that it doesn’t come back (partial intestinal blockage treated with “gut rest” ie a clear liquid only diet. For three. Effing. Days. McRib
Yum mm.
I left the hospital and went straight for a
McRib! McRib! Why did it cut it off? Sigh.
Great recap, J-Mo!
Even Helen Keller could’ve told that there was a pineapple in that foil package Hater-Tots picked, not a “pot of herbs”! Asshole!
I can’t believe Bart put the foil on his head to make his bowl – kinda’ made me wonder if the judges would refuse to taste his food, but maybe they didn’t see that.
Moley and his raw-ass Lamb! What else can I say? Except that maybe he should have named his girls Anise and Artemisia. Or Bay Leaf and Basil?
Gail called it at the berry farm – Blowsie was trippin’ for sure. She must have tasted the crack instead of the crab when she was preparing things for her dish (I can’t really say “making” her dish, ‘cuz she didn’t do much of that). Blowsie should have gone home. I am SO tired of her.
I say Top Model for the win!!!!
Lots O’ Love
Bay Leaf and Basil
I don’t think Blowsie passed the “keep your hands to yourself” part of Kindergarten and that face noogie she pulled on poor Lizzie Borden, geeze. She can’t seem to keep her hands off the poor woman. She is beyond annoying.
Hater-Tots is a tattle-tale. He didn’t add the part about the tuna not being “sustainable” until way late in the game. He was like chicken-licken, “IT’S FROZEN TUNA!” Yeah, we heard you the first time, but I thought he was gonna win by his own stunning culinary skills not some douchey move like that. “Daddy Tom, he’s using frozen tuna!”
Had to be one of the funniest episodes ever, but your recap took it over the top. Fabulous job!