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Monday, December 24, 2012
10:41 am
16 Comments
Tagged: Bart Vandaele, bravo, Brooke Williamson, chef, Christmas Kitty Porn, CJ Jacobsen, competition, cooking, Danyele McPherson, fucking product placement, Gail Simmons, hideous hags, J-Mo, John Tesar, Josh Valentine, Josie blows, Josie Smith-Malave, Kristen Kish, Last Chance Kitchen, Lizzie Binder, Micah Fields, padma lakshmi, reality, reality tv, recap, recaps, seattle, Sheldon Simeon, show, snozzberries taste like snozzberries, Stefan Richter, Stephanie Izard, The Blowsie Show, Thumby vs Hater-Tots, Tinfoil is my Jesus, tom colicchio, top chef, Top Chef Seattle, totally unlikable cast, TV, tvgasm, watching adults fight like children
Lizzie Borden’s telling us that she wants to highlight the raspberry’s innate “fimininity” (I dunno if that’s a slam against butchy Blowsie or not) so she’s pairing it with pork and red cabbage. Blowsie, naturally, is making something called “Raspberry Rock’n'Roll” (fucking eye-roll is more like it) which she claims is going to be a play on a California Roll…
only covered in blood
We never really see Sir Barts-a-lot get testy, but he’s having trouble finding a blender to use, and when he spies Hater-Tots with one he wants to borrow it, but Hater won’t let it go, saying he’s “using it right now”. He’s not, cuz he’s pouring some whitish goo into another container, but he still refuses to share, so Bart tells him to fuck off and stomps away. A few minutes later he loudly snarls “Do I hear a blending?… Nooooo!” Hater-Tots just shrugs and continues pouring his goo…
his dish is clearly inspired by the porn store floor
KIDDING, that’s not bukkake batter, Hater-Tots says it’s going to be a “white gazpacho” with chorizo, bread, almonds, garlic, water and gooseberries. But he’s complaining that he can’t measure anything properly, the proportions are off-kilter…
and StacheBear is jizzing everywhere
Stachey doesn’t think he’s going to have any problem making better food than Rapunzel, and most likely he’s right. He thinks she’s spending too much time on making her chicken terrine and not enough time figuring out how to incorporate their blueberries into the dish. Then he brings up the whole stupid TX vs. OK rivalry thing and claims Rapunzel likes rapunishment…
while she considers braining him with a baking sheet
Top Model is the lucky one who does not have to bother with petty bullshit or catcalls from other chefs, because she’s the only one making a dish with tayberries. She wants to win because $10,000.00 would let her finally visit her homeland of Korea. Then she tells this strange and terrible story of how her birth mother abandoned her and she was turned over to the police who named her…
and forced her to play with scary racially inappropriate toys
I am so goddamned glad that I was too old for those fug Cabbage Patch dolls…
but I was just old enough to know the dance
Tim is running out, and the chefs are moving their food to their individual EZ-up stations. Daddy Tom has suddenly decided to show up and shit-stir, so he goes up to Hater-Tots and tells him ThumbyHead Stefan (who is working right behind him) just claimed he was going to beat his ass and that Hater didn’t stand a chance. What is Totsy’s response to that?….
well, I don’t wanna tattle, but somebody is using frozen chicken of the sea
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16 Comments
How is Blowsie still here? I’ve was expecting Daddy Tom to send her home as soon as he could for that turkey. And are her teeth to big for her to close her mouth. Her mouth is always open.
I didn’t catch Stefan’s wave or comment. All I saw was him trying to Hater and Blosie flipping him off. Only thing I got out of that fight, is that he finds Blowsie as grating as the rest of the world.
Lucky Chunky and Chica! I’m pretty sure all my cat is getting is coal. But she’s only 7 months old. So maybe Santa will give her a pass this year. Since it is her 1st Christmas.
“…but I’m gonna call bullshit and say she picked him because they’re both gingers and she wants to bang him…”
Wow, until I read that sentence, I wasn’t sure that “projectile vomiting” was a real thing. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
BTW, you owe me $200 for a new monitor.
I’ll have an interest in Last Chance Kitchen once UniBall is off. He has to have used up at least 8 of his lives thus far. Once Blowsie and Stachebear are sent packing, the next eliminated chef after that is when Last Chance gets very interesting.
Confused, as well, over the whole Stefan and Blowsie blow-up. Next week looks REALLY interesting when she goes totally apesh*t while the other contestants look on with open mouths.
Stefan is always such a flirt. He finds the cutest girl in the group and becomes her constant companion. Remember when he did that to Jamie/Turtle even though she’s gay?? I think that she even told him something along the lines of “You know I’m gay, right?”
If every dish was inexplicably served with a tongue depressor maybe we could solve our nations obesity problem. I feel so fat right now…
Who puts fucking sausage in gazpaucho. I mean really.
Ps your cats are freaking adorable in those hats
just wanted to say a big thank you for adding on the last chance kitchen crap. mildly interested but don’t want to add to the time invested in this show. I guess I’ll vote Kristen? but we’ll see. I want to like stachebear (Is that what you call him?) But he makes it hard.
Merry Christmas J-Mo! and all the gasmics!
J-Mo, your recaps are great! Thank you!
I’m still puzzled at that cake Top Model made. Is it really possible to make that cake in less than 30 min and to bake it in the foil?? Amazing or bs??
I liked Stephanie, but girlfriend is resembling a cavewoman with that hair! I was LMAO at your Yoda talk!
Oh and my least favorite would be Thumby!
J-Mo – your kitty christmas porn is adorable! Danke for that and the recap.
Lord, let there be a Houdini challenge that requires these asshats to pick out their fish while in a tank in a straitjacket. What?? There would be someone to pull them out if they panic…eventually…
Blowsie – you make me hate beavers, and chipmunks, and pianos (the white keys). Oh, and having to cheer CJ, if and when you get to the Last Chance Kitchen. You make me irrationally hate things!!! And based on the roller derby, more of her crackling and whooping and probably lame cooking. Hate!!!
Thumby – my husband hates him. In an obsenity strewn diatribe way that he unleashed last night. It was a nice moment between us.
This season is coming close to the fucktard nightmare that was forced on us during the DC season. Otherwise known as “NO FUCKING WAY!!” Top Chef.
Team Super Model – she’s tall and looks good without makeup, so I should hate her. But, hey she is talented and seems sweet.
Aw damn it’s good to be back and to find a J-Mo recap up, with all it’s glorious photos, captions, snark and hilarity.
I just got out of the hospital tonight (having been there since Monday – yes, Christmas Eve).
Double yay!
Amy, hope you are feeling better.
Aww, thanks, LAC. I was for awhile and now I’m crossing my fingers that it doesn’t come back (partial intestinal blockage treated with “gut rest” ie a clear liquid only diet. For three. Effing. Days. McRib
Yum mm.
I left the hospital and went straight for a
McRib! McRib! Why did it cut it off? Sigh.
Great recap, J-Mo!
Even Helen Keller could’ve told that there was a pineapple in that foil package Hater-Tots picked, not a “pot of herbs”! Asshole!
I can’t believe Bart put the foil on his head to make his bowl – kinda’ made me wonder if the judges would refuse to taste his food, but maybe they didn’t see that.
Moley and his raw-ass Lamb! What else can I say? Except that maybe he should have named his girls Anise and Artemisia. Or Bay Leaf and Basil?
Gail called it at the berry farm – Blowsie was trippin’ for sure. She must have tasted the crack instead of the crab when she was preparing things for her dish (I can’t really say “making” her dish, ‘cuz she didn’t do much of that). Blowsie should have gone home. I am SO tired of her.
I say Top Model for the win!!!!
Lots O’ Love
Bay Leaf and Basil
I don’t think Blowsie passed the “keep your hands to yourself” part of Kindergarten and that face noogie she pulled on poor Lizzie Borden, geeze. She can’t seem to keep her hands off the poor woman. She is beyond annoying.
Hater-Tots is a tattle-tale. He didn’t add the part about the tuna not being “sustainable” until way late in the game. He was like chicken-licken, “IT’S FROZEN TUNA!” Yeah, we heard you the first time, but I thought he was gonna win by his own stunning culinary skills not some douchey move like that. “Daddy Tom, he’s using frozen tuna!”
Had to be one of the funniest episodes ever, but your recap took it over the top. Fabulous job!