Top Chef Recap: StacheBear And The Succotash Snob

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Sunday, February 10, 2013 | 10:50 pm | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Top Chef

I would love it if someone served him krab on a stick (dipped in cocktail sauce!) for being such a bitchy little whiner. Show of hands, who gives a tiny cracked crabshit that Li’l Princess Brockella had a really long flight from South Carolina?…

17 People Who Don't Care Top Chef 1014 00
just as I thought

So the chefs finally get to cooking, and everybody is marveling about how tiny and cute Tracy’s Trampy Crab Shack is, all nestled by the water and surrounded by all this nature-stuff like trees and grass and rocks and things…

18 Terrifying Alaskan Drop Off Top Chef 1014 37
and terrifyingly steep drop-offs

McBitchyson, is, of course bitching because they haven’t even been off the boat for five whole minutes and they’re already competing in a challenge. I suspect she still thinks she’s on RuPaul’s Best Friend Race. She’s in the process of making crab toast, and using dungeness crab to make a compound butter (even though Li’l Boy Brocky said crab with butter was kind of boring). She’s also filling up on raw crab as she works, because it’s free, and she’s cheap.

Lizzie Borden’s really trying to git into the spirit of Aliska, and has decided she wants to make something that feels rostic and filling in the form of a king crib frittata, which involves iggs and sliced timatoes…

19 Lizzie Binder Makes Painful Faces Top Chef 1014 38
and painful faces

StacheBear suddenly asks to borrow McBitchyson’s shears and she snaps back “No, this is a competition, Josh!” She’s just kidding, but I kinda wish she wasn’t (cuz you know he wouldn’t be). In any case, Stachey is busily comparing himself to Li’l Boy Brocky, saying that he does very similar food, so he’s going to serve his butter-poached king crab with succotash… and something else…

20 Josh Valentine Thinks He's On Rupaul's Best Bacon Race Top Chef 1014 39
gee, guess who thinks they’re on RuPaul’s Best Bacon Race?

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? You know, pigs are already pretty low to the ground, they don’t need to be stomped into it, but Stachey’s doing his best to accomplish just that. He claims he’s just “keeping it simple” (I mean, why be imaginative?) and says he and Brocky are both just “good ol’ country boys”, so he feels really confident in serving this dish to someone he considers a peer…

21 Josh Valentine Wears Yet Another Pig T-Shirt Top Chef 1014 40
plus the guy has great taste in t-shirts

McBitchyson derisively calls his dish “sucker-tash”. Meanwhile, Stoner Sheldon’s been working mostly by himself, saying they don’t get a lot of crab to work with in Hawaii because it’s so expensive, so he’s racking his brains for a way to be super-creative on this challenge. And once again, that means he’s going to pull the exact same shit all over again and make an Asian dish, this time pulling out the internal organs of the crab to make a “miso” soup…

22 Sheldon Simeon Makes Another Fucking Asian Dish Top Chef 1014 41
because “miso” is apparently Japanese for “eyeballs, lungs and crab colon”

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

15 Comments

  1. 1
    ShittyShorts
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 5:22 am

    fucking make a dish that describes yourself in a haiku about what makes things better involving a food item AND DO IT IN SHIRT FORM

    you know this will be the finale

    of top chef tumblr people who like the show enough to pretend to be better than it but still watch it every weak and then choose judges (to judge fucking pictures like… rational human beings of this site and the commenters that decided that neither commenters or commentors would appear correctly on spell check) out of the two followers (PROBABLY WHITE MALES TO EMPHASIZE THE PLIGHT OF WOMEN WHO HAVE TUMBLRS) they get that probably want to make fun of it but are drunk and forgot to. I am the drunk and didn’t forget to.

    YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER?
    BACON AND CORNBREAD AND WAR

    YOU MIX THE THREE TOGETHER AND YOU GET A FUCKING T-SHIRT THAT NO ONE EVER SHOULD EVER BE FUCKING WEARING. FUCK WHO THE UFCK WEARS T SHIRTS ON PURPOSE. IF I WAS A CELEBRITY AND GOT CAUGHT WEARING A T-SHIRT, LITTLE ALONE ADVOCATING THE PLIGHT OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT WAR HAS TO DO WITH FUCKING CORNBREAD

    I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT I’D DO BECAUSE I WOULDN’T BE A FUCKING RETARD WEARING A HOT TOPIC T SHIRT IN THE YEAR 2013. AND IT WOULDN’T BE ABOUT FUCKING BACON BECAUSE IT’S NOT 2010.

    NEXT WEEK ON TOP SHIT:

    SOMEONE PROBABLY DOESN’T QUITE WIN YET LOL. BUT IT’S YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE I CIRCUMVENTED THE CAPTCHA USING MAGIC*

    *I had to watch two ads to get it right BECAUSE I THOUGHT FUCKING CAPS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CRUISE CONTROL

  2. 2
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Still reading, but the quickfire judge looks like the lovechild of LaGassy and StacheBear!

    Captcha is “love me”, because you know LaGassy hit and quit it and Stachey just can’t let go.

  3. 3
    Realitytvjunkie
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 8:59 am

    I will miss Lizzie. And the recaps of her accent are spot on hilarious!! I find myself reading your version outloud lol!! And I literally laughed outloud at “looking like an LL Bean catalog”. Perfection!! I can’t decide who I want to win. I don’t feel emotionally invested in anyone this season.

  4. 4
    PacoSauce
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 11:03 am

    This season is boring. the. shit. out of me. I didn’t have access to Bravo during the 7th season, so I’ll have to take your word that this season is far worse. And really, the downward spiral began when Kristen was eliminated because she was one of the few contestants who proved to be really talented. It’s like we got 3 or 4 really great chefs and 20 mediocre fillers. But with Kristen gone, you can really see just how average everyone else is in comparison: I totally ignored how Sheldon used Asian food as a crutch, but now it’s annoying the hell out of me. This has been a rough ass season, but the recaps make it so much better. Now I have a lovely daydream where LaShawn Beyond rises from obscurity to snatch Josh’s bacon, exclaiming “THIS IS NOT RUPAULS BEST BACON RACE, BITCH.”

    And that, my dears, is what I like to call hope.

  5. 5
    kels
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Oh J-Mo, these recaps are the only thing making this season bearable. For fucks sake, Stach needs to stop with the bacon. STOP. Loved the Blazing Saddles refernce; made me snort laugh! Top Model for the win!

  6. 6
    JimbobJones JimbobJones
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    “And really, the downward spiral began when Kristen was eliminated…”

    Actually, the downward spiral began when they said “Welcome to Top Chef Seattle. Surprise! Here are our 3 returning chefs.”

  7. 7
    JimbobJones JimbobJones
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    And, yeah, Snidley Dumbass is actually making me hate bacon. Which is just sad.

  8. 8
    featherhead
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    Every time I read the title – Suffering Succotash goes in my head. And now I cannot remember which cartoon character said it. Aggravating! I’m at the point where I don’t want any of these three winning – I have my fingers crossed that top model makes it back and takes the whole thing!

  9. 9
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    Okay, so I always say I hate Florida (the only damn place I’ve ever lived), but the freak-storm in the Northeast and J-Mo’s first paragraph are actually giving me pause…the worst day of said storm was a de-fucking-lightful sunny and cloudless 80 degrees here, so…not so bad?

    I think I finally learned a valuable lesson! Although I STILL desperately want to go sledding and skiing and snowmobiling and…you get the point. Back to reading.

  10. 10
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    I totes forgot until I saw the “carnage” photo how much I miss Deadliest Catch! I’m guessing they’re filming the opilio season now? Wrap it up, people, and get to editing. I need my fix, especially since TC is ending soon and J-Mo goes with it. Wah!!!

  11. 11
    JJ
    Posted February 12, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Featherhead – Suffering Succotash = Sylvester the Cat.

  12. 12
    featherhead
    Posted February 12, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Thank you JJ!!

  13. 13
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted February 13, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Late to the party again, but I have to comment on this:

    you wanna go with me to get a manicure and then roll around naked in some bacon?

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! He has been away from the wife for a long time!

  14. 14
    badgerfreak
    Posted February 13, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Can they just crown Kristen? At this point it’s just becoming painful. Not only is she clearly the best, but she’s the most gracious. And I have to agree with Jimbob, the season took a massive runny shit when they brought the 3 returning chefs back.

  15. 15
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted February 14, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    J-mo, those are the sweetest little kitties!!! I really think Sheldon should have gone, he seemed to have more egregious mistakes than Lizzie did, but heck, this show is dismissive of women, otherwise, how are the average talents of Stachy and Stoner in the final group!

    I’m still a little confused as to how the finale will play out with LCK and a voted in person. For the vote in, is it week to week, winner take all, and then they restart . . . I can’t see how Uni has the most votes at anything other than “most likely to be an entitled douche”!

    I was really hoping for an all female finale . . . sigh . . .

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