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Sunday, February 10, 2013
10:50 pm
15 Comments
Tagged: ass-kissing does not make everything better, bacon bacon bacon, bacon does NOT make everything better, bravo, Brooke Williamson, butter does not make everything better, chef, chum bucket, Cold, competition, cooking, crabs not krabs, dog food, duelling newsies, Emeril Lagasse, filler, funny, Gail Simmons, Gaylaskan, hilarious, horrible, Hugh Acheson, I think Season Ten might suck, J-Mo, Josh Valentine, Kristen Kish, Last Chance Kitchen, Lizzie Binder, MAJOR filler, minor filler, one-note chef, padma lakshmi, rainy, reality, reality tv, recap, recaps, salmon, Sean Brock, Sheldon Simeon, show, smoking does not make everything better, South African accents, starting to hate bacon, tom colicchio, top chef, Top Chef Seattle, TV, tvgasm, watching bread rise, wet
Not only is he running right back to Asian food again, but Stoner is also doing his other trick, which is to Light Random Shit On Fire And Use The Smoke For “Flavor”. This time he’s grabbed some pine needles, claiming he’s heard of this technique being used at Noma (the Best Restaurant In The Universe™ that UniBall worked at) and will be “smoking” some asparagus. He thinks this is being really risky…
while I think he’s just being a huge pyromaniac
Oh no, it looks like poor StacheBear’s butter sauce is breaking, and there’s only 2 minutes left so he can’t really fix it… but he knows that the flavors (mostly bacon) are there, so he’s not really worried. And now that time is up, they will start with Lizzie Borden…
and her Great Frittata Caper
They happened to catch a shot of her flipping that entire thing perfectly in a frying pan, so I’m impressed by her sheer strength. After they eat some, Scar asks if she soaked the capers, and Lizzie siys no, she drained thim. Li’l Boy Brocky says the crab is amazing, but I dunno that he’s necessarily saying that about her dish in particular as much as he’s marveling at the raw goodness they have to work with. I suspect Lizzie has picked up on his non-compliment, too…
yeah, will, I spit in your iggs, so fock oaf
Next up they go to visit Stoner Sheldon…
and his Bowl Of Burnt™
I hope they enjoy the nice pine-tar flavor he imparted. Li’l Boy Brocky asks him to explain about the burning pine needles crap, and Stoner looks lost and just mumbles something about wanting to try it out. Scar says the broth is nice, if a little on the thick side. Then they move on to McBitchyson…
and her Seaside Shit On A Shingle
Li’l Boy Brocky wants to know how she made the butter, and McBitchy talks about using the dungeness meat and shells in it to give it maximum flavor, and Brocky giggles and calls it an “expensive butter”…
you’re pandering to me. keep it up.
Seeing that shirt again jogged something in my memory, and I discovered that Brocky’s not the only one who has been caught flaunting the non-violent virtues of cornbread… because Richard “BlazeHawk” Blais has worn it, too…
dunno why it makes him look so weirdly transgendered
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15 Comments
fucking make a dish that describes yourself in a haiku about what makes things better involving a food item AND DO IT IN SHIRT FORM
you know this will be the finale
of top chef tumblr people who like the show enough to pretend to be better than it but still watch it every weak and then choose judges (to judge fucking pictures like… rational human beings of this site and the commenters that decided that neither commenters or commentors would appear correctly on spell check) out of the two followers (PROBABLY WHITE MALES TO EMPHASIZE THE PLIGHT OF WOMEN WHO HAVE TUMBLRS) they get that probably want to make fun of it but are drunk and forgot to. I am the drunk and didn’t forget to.
YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER?
BACON AND CORNBREAD AND WAR
YOU MIX THE THREE TOGETHER AND YOU GET A FUCKING T-SHIRT THAT NO ONE EVER SHOULD EVER BE FUCKING WEARING. FUCK WHO THE UFCK WEARS T SHIRTS ON PURPOSE. IF I WAS A CELEBRITY AND GOT CAUGHT WEARING A T-SHIRT, LITTLE ALONE ADVOCATING THE PLIGHT OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT WAR HAS TO DO WITH FUCKING CORNBREAD
I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT I’D DO BECAUSE I WOULDN’T BE A FUCKING RETARD WEARING A HOT TOPIC T SHIRT IN THE YEAR 2013. AND IT WOULDN’T BE ABOUT FUCKING BACON BECAUSE IT’S NOT 2010.
NEXT WEEK ON TOP SHIT:
SOMEONE PROBABLY DOESN’T QUITE WIN YET LOL. BUT IT’S YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE I CIRCUMVENTED THE CAPTCHA USING MAGIC*
*I had to watch two ads to get it right BECAUSE I THOUGHT FUCKING CAPS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CRUISE CONTROL
Still reading, but the quickfire judge looks like the lovechild of LaGassy and StacheBear!
Captcha is “love me”, because you know LaGassy hit and quit it and Stachey just can’t let go.
I will miss Lizzie. And the recaps of her accent are spot on hilarious!! I find myself reading your version outloud lol!! And I literally laughed outloud at “looking like an LL Bean catalog”. Perfection!! I can’t decide who I want to win. I don’t feel emotionally invested in anyone this season.
This season is boring. the. shit. out of me. I didn’t have access to Bravo during the 7th season, so I’ll have to take your word that this season is far worse. And really, the downward spiral began when Kristen was eliminated because she was one of the few contestants who proved to be really talented. It’s like we got 3 or 4 really great chefs and 20 mediocre fillers. But with Kristen gone, you can really see just how average everyone else is in comparison: I totally ignored how Sheldon used Asian food as a crutch, but now it’s annoying the hell out of me. This has been a rough ass season, but the recaps make it so much better. Now I have a lovely daydream where LaShawn Beyond rises from obscurity to snatch Josh’s bacon, exclaiming “THIS IS NOT RUPAULS BEST BACON RACE, BITCH.”
And that, my dears, is what I like to call hope.
Oh J-Mo, these recaps are the only thing making this season bearable. For fucks sake, Stach needs to stop with the bacon. STOP. Loved the Blazing Saddles refernce; made me snort laugh! Top Model for the win!
“And really, the downward spiral began when Kristen was eliminated…”
Actually, the downward spiral began when they said “Welcome to Top Chef Seattle. Surprise! Here are our 3 returning chefs.”
And, yeah, Snidley Dumbass is actually making me hate bacon. Which is just sad.
Every time I read the title – Suffering Succotash goes in my head. And now I cannot remember which cartoon character said it. Aggravating! I’m at the point where I don’t want any of these three winning – I have my fingers crossed that top model makes it back and takes the whole thing!
Okay, so I always say I hate Florida (the only damn place I’ve ever lived), but the freak-storm in the Northeast and J-Mo’s first paragraph are actually giving me pause…the worst day of said storm was a de-fucking-lightful sunny and cloudless 80 degrees here, so…not so bad?
I think I finally learned a valuable lesson! Although I STILL desperately want to go sledding and skiing and snowmobiling and…you get the point. Back to reading.
I totes forgot until I saw the “carnage” photo how much I miss Deadliest Catch! I’m guessing they’re filming the opilio season now? Wrap it up, people, and get to editing. I need my fix, especially since TC is ending soon and J-Mo goes with it. Wah!!!
Featherhead – Suffering Succotash = Sylvester the Cat.
Thank you JJ!!
Late to the party again, but I have to comment on this:
you wanna go with me to get a manicure and then roll around naked in some bacon?
HAHAHAHAHA!!! He has been away from the wife for a long time!
Can they just crown Kristen? At this point it’s just becoming painful. Not only is she clearly the best, but she’s the most gracious. And I have to agree with Jimbob, the season took a massive runny shit when they brought the 3 returning chefs back.
J-mo, those are the sweetest little kitties!!! I really think Sheldon should have gone, he seemed to have more egregious mistakes than Lizzie did, but heck, this show is dismissive of women, otherwise, how are the average talents of Stachy and Stoner in the final group!
I’m still a little confused as to how the finale will play out with LCK and a voted in person. For the vote in, is it week to week, winner take all, and then they restart . . . I can’t see how Uni has the most votes at anything other than “most likely to be an entitled douche”!
I was really hoping for an all female finale . . . sigh . . .