Top Chef Recap: StacheBear And The Succotash Snob

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Sunday, February 10, 2013 | 10:50 pm | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Top Chef

Hey, did you guys know that StacheBear’s wife is having a baby? She really is! And it’s probably Stachey’s! In fact, it’s now overdue! She has a 3 day old child inside of her! This is so dramatic! I wonder if she will ever have that baby, or if she’s still lolling around somewhere in Oklahoma holding it in? Let’s take our minds off of it by going to look at some dead frozen fish!…

47 Brooke Williamson Josh Valentine Dead Frozen Fish Top Chef 1014 79
so this is what the Gorton’s Fisherman goes through

Stoner Sheldon has selected two salmon varieties, sockeye and chum, and he plans to make a pea soup and he’s going to light more shit on fire to smoke the chum! Innovative! And do you guys know what is even more fun than looking at a bunch of dead frozen fish?…

48 Fish Guts Top Chef 1014 80
watching someone gut them

What’s not fun is the fact that being around a dock and boats and fish guts is causing poor Lizzie to be hopelessly reminded of her recently-deceased father, who taught her how to fish in the first place. I can’t even bring myself to transcribe her accent as she talks about missing him and (being a “daddy’s girl”) how much he meant to her, and how much he would have loved to see her in the competition, and why is it getting so hard to see my TV screen?…

49 Lizzie Binder Is Sad For Her Dad Top Chef 1014 81
stop it, Lizzie, this stuff causes recapper death as well

Let’s move on to happier things, and let me dry my strangely wet cheeks. The chefs have now departed for their day’s destination…

50 Gold Creek Salmon Bake Top Chef 1014 82
you’ll see why they don’t want stray dogs and kitties running around in a bit

They have 3 hours in the kitchens at the Bake to finish their bread and salmon. StacheBear tells us that he had an idea to infuse more of the raw sour flavor into the soup he has planned, so it looks like he’s dumping a baggie of the sourdough starter directly into it. He claims this is a risky move and causes my jaw to fracture on the floor when he insists that “it kind of fits the whole theme of my entire Top Chef experience.”…

51 Josh Valentine Is Completely Delusional Top Chef 1014 83
which up until this point has consisted entirely of bacon and bitching

Stachey can’t be serious, can he? Unless he’s just referring to the sourness of that shit, and then I could totally get in line with that statement. Also being kind of ridiculous is Stoner Sheldon, who’s claiming that he’s nervous because he’s never made pea soup before, this is a totally different kind of cuisine than he’s used to preparing…

52 Sheldon Simeon Thinks Bland White People Food Is Haaaard Top Chef 1014 84
bland white-people food is haaaaaard

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

15 Comments

  1. 1
    ShittyShorts
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 5:22 am

    fucking make a dish that describes yourself in a haiku about what makes things better involving a food item AND DO IT IN SHIRT FORM

    you know this will be the finale

    of top chef tumblr people who like the show enough to pretend to be better than it but still watch it every weak and then choose judges (to judge fucking pictures like… rational human beings of this site and the commenters that decided that neither commenters or commentors would appear correctly on spell check) out of the two followers (PROBABLY WHITE MALES TO EMPHASIZE THE PLIGHT OF WOMEN WHO HAVE TUMBLRS) they get that probably want to make fun of it but are drunk and forgot to. I am the drunk and didn’t forget to.

    YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER?
    BACON AND CORNBREAD AND WAR

    YOU MIX THE THREE TOGETHER AND YOU GET A FUCKING T-SHIRT THAT NO ONE EVER SHOULD EVER BE FUCKING WEARING. FUCK WHO THE UFCK WEARS T SHIRTS ON PURPOSE. IF I WAS A CELEBRITY AND GOT CAUGHT WEARING A T-SHIRT, LITTLE ALONE ADVOCATING THE PLIGHT OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT WAR HAS TO DO WITH FUCKING CORNBREAD

    I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT I’D DO BECAUSE I WOULDN’T BE A FUCKING RETARD WEARING A HOT TOPIC T SHIRT IN THE YEAR 2013. AND IT WOULDN’T BE ABOUT FUCKING BACON BECAUSE IT’S NOT 2010.

    NEXT WEEK ON TOP SHIT:

    SOMEONE PROBABLY DOESN’T QUITE WIN YET LOL. BUT IT’S YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE I CIRCUMVENTED THE CAPTCHA USING MAGIC*

    *I had to watch two ads to get it right BECAUSE I THOUGHT FUCKING CAPS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CRUISE CONTROL

  2. 2
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Still reading, but the quickfire judge looks like the lovechild of LaGassy and StacheBear!

    Captcha is “love me”, because you know LaGassy hit and quit it and Stachey just can’t let go.

  3. 3
    Realitytvjunkie
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 8:59 am

    I will miss Lizzie. And the recaps of her accent are spot on hilarious!! I find myself reading your version outloud lol!! And I literally laughed outloud at “looking like an LL Bean catalog”. Perfection!! I can’t decide who I want to win. I don’t feel emotionally invested in anyone this season.

  4. 4
    PacoSauce
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 11:03 am

    This season is boring. the. shit. out of me. I didn’t have access to Bravo during the 7th season, so I’ll have to take your word that this season is far worse. And really, the downward spiral began when Kristen was eliminated because she was one of the few contestants who proved to be really talented. It’s like we got 3 or 4 really great chefs and 20 mediocre fillers. But with Kristen gone, you can really see just how average everyone else is in comparison: I totally ignored how Sheldon used Asian food as a crutch, but now it’s annoying the hell out of me. This has been a rough ass season, but the recaps make it so much better. Now I have a lovely daydream where LaShawn Beyond rises from obscurity to snatch Josh’s bacon, exclaiming “THIS IS NOT RUPAULS BEST BACON RACE, BITCH.”

    And that, my dears, is what I like to call hope.

  5. 5
    kels
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Oh J-Mo, these recaps are the only thing making this season bearable. For fucks sake, Stach needs to stop with the bacon. STOP. Loved the Blazing Saddles refernce; made me snort laugh! Top Model for the win!

  6. 6
    JimbobJones JimbobJones
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    “And really, the downward spiral began when Kristen was eliminated…”

    Actually, the downward spiral began when they said “Welcome to Top Chef Seattle. Surprise! Here are our 3 returning chefs.”

  7. 7
    JimbobJones JimbobJones
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    And, yeah, Snidley Dumbass is actually making me hate bacon. Which is just sad.

  8. 8
    featherhead
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    Every time I read the title – Suffering Succotash goes in my head. And now I cannot remember which cartoon character said it. Aggravating! I’m at the point where I don’t want any of these three winning – I have my fingers crossed that top model makes it back and takes the whole thing!

  9. 9
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    Okay, so I always say I hate Florida (the only damn place I’ve ever lived), but the freak-storm in the Northeast and J-Mo’s first paragraph are actually giving me pause…the worst day of said storm was a de-fucking-lightful sunny and cloudless 80 degrees here, so…not so bad?

    I think I finally learned a valuable lesson! Although I STILL desperately want to go sledding and skiing and snowmobiling and…you get the point. Back to reading.

  10. 10
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    I totes forgot until I saw the “carnage” photo how much I miss Deadliest Catch! I’m guessing they’re filming the opilio season now? Wrap it up, people, and get to editing. I need my fix, especially since TC is ending soon and J-Mo goes with it. Wah!!!

  11. 11
    JJ
    Posted February 12, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Featherhead – Suffering Succotash = Sylvester the Cat.

  12. 12
    featherhead
    Posted February 12, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Thank you JJ!!

  13. 13
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted February 13, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Late to the party again, but I have to comment on this:

    you wanna go with me to get a manicure and then roll around naked in some bacon?

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! He has been away from the wife for a long time!

  14. 14
    badgerfreak
    Posted February 13, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Can they just crown Kristen? At this point it’s just becoming painful. Not only is she clearly the best, but she’s the most gracious. And I have to agree with Jimbob, the season took a massive runny shit when they brought the 3 returning chefs back.

  15. 15
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted February 14, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    J-mo, those are the sweetest little kitties!!! I really think Sheldon should have gone, he seemed to have more egregious mistakes than Lizzie did, but heck, this show is dismissive of women, otherwise, how are the average talents of Stachy and Stoner in the final group!

    I’m still a little confused as to how the finale will play out with LCK and a voted in person. For the vote in, is it week to week, winner take all, and then they restart . . . I can’t see how Uni has the most votes at anything other than “most likely to be an entitled douche”!

    I was really hoping for an all female finale . . . sigh . . .

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