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Ohhhh, ‘Gasmii, this episode of Top Chef Seattle was a late Christmas gift, all wrapped up nice and pretty with a big glittery bow on top and no doubt handed to the loyal viewers by the Magical Elves as a way of pseudo-apologizing for all the terrible things that this show has become in recent years… namely, an unrelenting vehicle for shameless product-placement that is populated by chefs chosen less for their actual culinary talent, and more for their abrasive personalities and wacky eyewear antics…
see how quirky and lovable I am?
He’s no giant hulking bulldyke or penis-nosed hick, but John “Hater-Tots” Tesar finally manages to rise to his potential and fulfill the destiny that has awaited him from the moment he first arrived on the show. But first, we should remember the things we learned last week, such as…
how much fun it is to watch roller derby
how Sir Barts-a-lot tried to jazz up his bland food
and how much Blowsie complained about her sensitive nipples
Also, before we go any further, please keep in mind whose corporate dick is being sucked off tonight…
in case you forget
I wanna give a quick shout-out to commenter crankyguy who took a huge bullet for the rest of us and actually purchased two of these expensive piles of shit meals, which he informed us taste like prison gruel, and are full of healthy things like sodium, chicken-like product and Elmer’s School Paste™. Mmmmmmm.
Morningtime at the Saliv-8 High-Rise, and Stoner Sheldon is already busy in the kitchen sharpening his knives…
while StacheBear grits his teeth at the noise and dons his Hangover Glasses™
Stoner sloowwly tells us that he does this on a daily basis, and that it’s what separates a good chef from a psychotic great chef. Then he mentions something about being possessed by the spirit of a menehune, which he says is either a tiny Hawaiian warrior creature…
or another euphemism for really good weed
Boy, I wish I lived with someone who spent a lot of time talking about violent spirits and honing their stabby things into increasingly lethal sharpness. Anyhow, it is really amazing that they just happened to catch Sheldon doing all that knife sharpening, because when the chefs arrive at the EZ-Bake Kitchen™ they see that they each have their own whetstones set up at their stations. Scar is there, too, and she’s standing next to today’s Guest Judge…
who desperately needs to take a dump