Top Chef Recap: Stop Being A Bitch, Bitch!

26 Comments

1. 1
   badgerfreak
   Posted January 7, 2013 at 9:24 am

   J-Mo, your ability to phonetically spell all these accents is rather astounding. I applaud you.

   As soon as I finished this episode, I could hardly wait to read this recap. Hater-Tots finally truly lived up to his name. The pickle situation was ridiculous. Did he really think that if he just held them ransom, it wouldn’t come up in judging? Like they would ask her, where the pickles were, and she wouldn’t say, “John wouldn’t let me have any.” OR the fact that the challenge wasn’t really about the pickle as much as it was about the actual burger. The patty being what ended up sending him home anyways.

   Stachey is totally a dick. There was no reason you needed to “hide” your glee like that and then call him out for his excuse. As much as I don’t want to defend him, I have to say that cooking rice would require a flat pan more than a STOCK.

   I thought the challenge was interesting, but to me the most memorable moments had nothing to do with food, rather, with obscene behavior. IE Stephan reeming out that one chick in the leopard print in season 1. Or the attempted hair shaving of Marcel in season 2.

2. 2
   seepansy
   Posted January 7, 2013 at 11:10 am

   I honestly thought this episode would never end, and pretty much found the previous season’s recaps on the Spindle Wire were lots more interesting that anything happening on Season 10…until we came to the burger/pickle cook off. I really thought Hater Tots went beyond the pale in harassing Lizzie, but for some reason hubby didn’t see it that way. I feel validated reading your review, J-Mo. He did ask for “some” of the dill, and then proceeded to use the entire freaking thing. He continually left those doors open, and I thought Lizzie showed the patience of a saint when dealing gently with his bloated ego. Loved the fact that she said she wanted to “beat his bum”. Um, you and probably many thousands more, Lizzie! And I’m with badgerfreak: the most memorable scenes had nothing to do with cooking – they are usually behind the scenes at the chef house…very late at night…and totally alcohol fueled.

3. 3
   Miss Molly
   Posted January 7, 2013 at 11:13 am

   I would have liked to have seen a recreation of Gail’s “Brown Rubbery Eggs” hatred from Season 2.

4. 4
   POOCHIE
   Posted January 7, 2013 at 11:13 am

   Rite Aid (like a walgreens, if some don’t know) here in NY have the Wealthy Choice meals on sale this week buy 2 for $6

   Good deal, LOL!!!!

5. 5
   just julie
   Posted January 7, 2013 at 1:11 pm

   J-Mo, you absolutely crack me up! Between the way you handle the different accents and the sponsor names you re-create, I’m in pain from trying not to laugh too loud at my desk. I think the sponsor stuff is way over the top now, much worse than in the beginning. I fell asleep during the episode and now that I’ve read your review, I’m glad because it sounds pretty boring. Thanks for taking the hit!

6. 6
   kels
   Posted January 7, 2013 at 1:25 pm

   J-Mo, amazeballs recap as usual!! Some of the moments they chose were meh, but at least we didn’t have to endure Gail’s mouthgasm over Sexist Pigshit’s pepperooooooooni sauce.
   StachBear’s outburst was way beoynd uncalled for, but he is a dick, after all. So glad to see Hater Tots true fug colors come out! See ya!
   PICKLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. 7
   Pegalicious
   Posted January 7, 2013 at 2:09 pm

   Oh, J-Mo, your screen grabs (and captions) and your “accents” are sheer genius. Thanks for staying up until 0300 so we could enjoy the fruits of your labors today.

   (My captcha is “pound cake.” I can’t decide if they intend it as a cruel tease for a woman on a diet or if “pound” is being used as an imperative verb…)

8. 8
   suzwhat
   Posted January 7, 2013 at 5:10 pm

   J-Mo, you had me at “here go Hag come” last year. You are brilliant!

9. 9
   sagittariuskim
   Posted January 7, 2013 at 5:43 pm

   I was expecting the chefs to have to recreate memorable good or bad dishes, based on the previews. I should have known better because that would have actually made sense. Most of the moments they chose had nothing to do food and weren’t really memorable.

   I think everything that could be said about Hater-Tots has already been said. At least he can be content that even with that crap he pulled, he’s still not the biggest douchebag of this season. I think Stachebear can now claim the honor of being the biggest douche in Top Chef history.

10. 10
    bogiesmom
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Love your recaps…LOVE THEM. This is my first time commenting because I just have to call bullshit on this challenge. The product placement on this show is completely out of hand. You accept sponsorship from Healthy Choice on a show that is supposed to be about GOOD food? Who will be a sponsor next season? Denny’s…..Taco Bell……Alli shit-yourself-diet pills?
    In this challenge the product placement made the competition completely unfair. Because it doesn’t matter how good some dishes were ( beef carpaccio or duck, for example), if Healthy Choice can’t reproduce it into crappy frozen crap then there is no way that the chefs with those dishes can win.
    Hater-Tots really showed himself to be a whiny punk-ass bitch on this one. And I just can’t anymore with Stachebear…..I hate his face. I’d be ecstatic with a double Stachebear-Blowsie elimination.

11. 11
    Philo
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 9:41 am

    I had a feeling once Hatertots started reflecting on his relationship with Bourdain/Ripert (during the early part of the episode) that this would be his curtain call.

    And Blowsie teaches people how to cook/eat healthy???? Who is her clientele?

    Great recap as always, loved the 9 to 5 insert.

12. 12
    Detinha
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 10:36 am

    You never fail to deliver, J! Thanks!!

    Can you imagine Bourdain and HaterTots together?! *shudders*

13. 13
    TallGirl
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 11:15 am

    The Blowsie teaching-people-how-to-cook-healthy line instantly sent visions of a fat aerobics instructor through my brain. How can she reconcile how she looks now as compared to her – cough, cough! – pro football days?? Is that change for the worse the result of all her “healthy” cooking?
    I’ve had a few of the Healthy Choice meals – not terribly bad. Loaded with sodium like all frozen processed dinners and relying upon rice or pasta to make up the bulk of the dish, but the flavors were pretty good.
    For whatever reason, StacheBear doesn’t really bug me. I just want to see Blowsie and CJ GONE!!

14. 14
    JimbobJones
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    “And Blowsie teaches people how to cook/eat healthy???? Who is her clientele?”

    I suggest you check out Taterz’s Biggest Loser recap here: http://www.tvgasm.com/recaps/the-biggest-loser-recap-think-of-the-children.html

15. 15
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Can you imagine cooked, processed, frozen, microwaved scallops?
    It would be like chewing on a ball of rubber…no matter if the dish had been the most delicious thing on Earth, Lizzie was never gonna win.
    I’m glad she managed to slay the four-eyed beast though.
    It’ll be different (in a good way) not having him around with his stupid glasses.
    Although Stefan will probably miss the blow jobs.

    “I’m not your bitch, bitch.”
    I can’t help but think that if only Tyler had uttered those five magical words to CJ at any point during their challenge, things may have turned out differently for him.

    It’s good to know that Blowsie is delusional in all aspects of her life, and not just in cooking.
    She thinks she’s fun and clever and cute.
    She thinks people are interested in her when all they want is the free food at her station.
    She thinks she qualifies as a professional athlete.
    She thinks she is an authority on healthy eating.
    Based on the prior two, one can only surmise that she thinks she’s skinny.
    She thinks that she knows how to use Namaste correctly in a sentence.
    I wonder what new facet of her secret world we will be exposed to next week.

    Moley Micah has grown on me a bit.

    And yes, those dinner guests were lame, but that’s why you needed to be there!
    To liven up the joint.
    And to tell us if Sheldon’s entry to the dining room was accompanied by the rich odor of green corn.
    Also, to tell us if Daddy Tom and Chris Cosentino are as yummy in real life as they look on TV.
    People need to know these things. They’re important.

    I burst out laughing that the Wealthy Choice meal said “baked taste”.
    I don’t want to even imagine what unholy cocktail of chemicals and preservatives were poured over that food to give it a “baked taste”.

16. 16
    crankyguy
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Thanks for the shout-out, J-Mo.

    @TallGirl, the Healthy Choice Crustless Chicken Pot Pie, “inspired” by this episode’s winning dish, won’t make anyone barf (it didn’t give me the runs either, but your mileage may vary) but it’s not particularly good and not particularly healthful. And not cheap, especially for what makes up the bulk of the whopping 300 calories, which is always some sort of dirt-cheap starch. In this case, peas, corn, carrot, and flour dumplings. I’m calling carrots a starchy vegetable in case anyone wants to argue about it. I guarantee that if Top Model’s dish had looked and tasted like the Wealthy Choice “inspired” dish, then she, and not Hater Tots, would have been sent to LCK.

    Any regular frozen chicken pot pie, even the cheapest ones from Banquet, tastes better, and since the “healthy” component of the Healthy Choice meals seems to be providing so little food as to be calorie restricted, then it is also about as healthful if you only eat 300 calories of it.

17. 17
    dizzygirl
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    I <3 J Mo!!! When I see your recap up, depending on the time of day…it's either a vat of coffee or bottle of Chardonnay and I sit mesmerized by you. Thank you!!

    Captcha code…on the ball..LOL!!!!

18. 18
    badgerfreak
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 5:27 am

    @chaosbutterly: COMPLETELY agree. I had the same thought when she was making it. But then again, shouldn’t it really be TC’s fault for providing her with a “memorable moment” that revolved entirely around scallops? But yes, the idea of eating a frozen, and then reheated in the microwave, scallop makes my jaw tired from mental chewing.

19. 19
    Detinha
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 5:43 am

    BTW, memorable TC moments, in my opinion:
    Miguel calling Tiffany (season 1) a snake and hissing! And Mousy (TCTexas) homage to the letter F! I still laugh so hard remembering that pic you made, J-Mo!

20. 20
    PottyMouth
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 6:03 am

    Happy New Year J-Mo!

    Awesome recap as usual. Like others, I thought that many of the “best” moments were not captured here. What a supreme asswipe Hater proved himself to be, huh? The more he talked about how awesome he was to be sharing the pickles the more I hoped 100 jars of pickles would drop on his head. What a douche.

    I really would have loved to see what happened if the scallops didn’t get served. Would she have gotten reamed out for not including the major component in the dish? Or would Daddy Tom be impressed that someone FINALLY sacked up and refused to put out crappy food? I like to think it’s the latter, but we all know how finicky Daddy can be.

    Anyway, thanks for another super fabulous recap – I always think of you while I’m watching. The only thing that would make it better is if I could actually watch the show WITH you! Oh, and MUCH thanks for covering LCK so I never have to bother watching!!

    LOVE you!
    SWAK, PottyMouth

21. 21
    vallegirl
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 7:16 am

    Since one of the memorable moments was someone serving an incomplete dish, albeit because he didn’t finish plating, there’s the precedent. Of course, Howie was also in the bottom on that challenge but stayed. She could have explained when she served it what happened with the scallops but since her dish was still incomplete she still probably would have been on the bottom and still beaten John, so it’s all a moot point.

22. 22
    lindaw205
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 8:51 am

    I wasn’t sorry to see John go but I would rather it had been Blowsie or Stachebear. I’m really ready for both of them to be gone from my TV.

    I haven’t bought a Wealthy Choice meal in a few years because they’re too expensive and the food is crap. They need all that sodium to draw your attention from the fact that you’re eating food that tastes like the cardboard box it came in. With salt.

    Very entertaining recap, J-Mo. It made me giggle. A lot.

23. 23
    oodle_noodle
    Posted January 10, 2013 at 11:49 am

    I actually live in the greater Seattle area (and HATE that I never saw the Chefs doing anything) and there is a Central Market right by my house (if the chefs end up going to that one and I missed it, I may shit a brick). They always have the best produce, the best seafood, and the best meat selection. I am in shock that one of their products ‘turned’ overnight!

24. 24
    arizonatom
    Posted January 10, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Great recap, J-Mo!
    Whiney-Swine and “gag them style” – Hahahahahahahaha. Hater-tots is a giant dick-bag and shows his true colors in this episode. And Stache-Bear is #2 in the dick-bag parade. I agree that they could have picked some better moments (of course they could have picked better veterans to come back, but, …).
    Cute pic of the kitties!
    Lots O’ Love

25. 25
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted January 11, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Glad to see that HaterTots went out with out with his little pickle tantrum. What an idiot, having a hissy fit because Lizzy simply and quite reasonably asked him to close the oven door.

    I hate all the product placement. I DVR and fast forward through all the ads, but I guess they are determined to get you, one way or another. Next thing you know, they’ll have Daddy Tom and the rest of the judges wearing bibs with ads on them.

    Great recap as always.

26. 26
    Parisi LaRoe
    Posted January 11, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    You did a great recap as always J-Mo. I look forward to them every week. Between you and the kitty porn, how can anyone not be happy?

    I think Brook (WHO?) and Kristen really have an awesome chance of winning. I think they finally want another female chef. I know Grunge Girl is winning the Save A Chef and between the three of them, one is going to win.

    I want Josie gone so bad it makes me sick. I used to like her a lot.

    I personally hoped they were going to do the Bitter Jen blowout and how she got sent home since it lives in infamy (I miss my girl). However, Beaker’s chicken pot-pie made up for it.

    Great job again J-Mo!