Top Chef Recap: Welcome Back, You Still Suck

26 Comments

1. 1
   whataboutmaura
   Posted November 19, 2012 at 9:07 am

   When I first heard the name Bart Vandaele all I could think of was Art VanDelay from Seinfeld, George’s alter ego, so it stays! Art VanDelay the Belgian knight.

2. 2
   Faye
   Posted November 19, 2012 at 9:28 am

   Am I the only one that thinks Josh and Carla look like broke ass distant cousins of Joey Fatone and Janice Dickinson? Just me?! Ok I’ll keep reading.

3. 3
   crankyguy
   Posted November 19, 2012 at 10:08 am

   When I first glanced at Carla, I did wonder what Janice Dickinson was doing on Top Chef. So, that makes at least two of us.

4. 4
   Coopcal
   Posted November 19, 2012 at 10:35 am

   Great recap!

5. 5
   POOCHIE
   Posted November 19, 2012 at 10:49 am

   ingrediences?

   Is Teresa Guidice writing this recap?

   LOL!!!!

6. 6
   tcanna
   Posted November 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

   J-Mo, it goes without saying, but I’m gonna say it: fabulous recap. The Grudgy screencap still has me giggling.

   whataboutmaura, I also immediatley thought of Art Vandelay!

   Hater-tots reminds me of Alfred E. Neuman from Mad Magazine.

7. 7
   zerocool
   Posted November 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

   Excellent work J-Mo, you never fail to deliver the laughs!

   I saw Carla on that showdown show with Bobby Flay a few years ago and she was pretty much the same, maybe a little less annoying. I wonder how much the editing is affecting our opinion. BTW her cooking beat Bobby Flay’s (it was a seven dish christmas special, not just one dish).

   And I would much rather watch her annoy the other chefs than StacheBear annoy me with his attitude. What a d-bag.

   Stefan definitely had the advantage to stay. But Jewfrey did overcook his fish so it wasn’t a big surprise he left.

8. 8
   Chris Velazquez
   Posted November 19, 2012 at 11:45 am

   Man, I missed your Top Chef recaps, love the snark. Shame for the eliminated contestant, wish they’d have gotten rid of dickbag Stefan first, considering he also fucked up his protein. He should’ve won over Hoser, yeah, but none should have won over Carla. Stupid Casey ruining everything for everyone. At least this season starts off on the right track with my favorite, Grudge Girl, kicking ass in both the first two challenges and taking the win.

   Chatterbox Carla is somehow hilarious. I understand how she’d annoy others, but since I’m watching, it’s plain funny, plus I find her more tolerable than openly jerkish guys like Thumbhead and Stachey. Tyler bothers me too, if only because of the fact that his skin tone creeps me out. That type of skin pigmentation seems like something artificial, it cannot be natural. As for a nickname for Brooke Williamson (Who?), how about Brooke Wholliamson?

   Also, love that pic in the end, Chunky’s just adorbs. And hey, seems cats all feel the same about shirtless dudes, mine told me the same thing even when they were babies:
   http://i881.photobucket.com/albums/ac19/Rem_Rant/PoppaKittens.jpg

9. 9
   just julie
   Posted November 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

   I just recently discovered this site and I’m in pain from reading this recap. I haven’t watched Top Chef yet, just been too busy. But I may decide to just read your recaps. They have to be more entertaining than the actual show!

10. 10
    JimbobJones
    Posted November 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    ” now half of this season’s Team Rainbow has been cut, and having Josie be the only gay left in the competition is just depressing”

    Maybe they should bring Turdle back, because you KNOW that Jamie isn’t going to last for long.

11. 11
    JimbobJones
    Posted November 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    *Josie won’t last long. Jamie IS Turdle. This is what happens when you read Wikipedia right before posting.

12. 12
    crazy rooster
    Posted November 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Brooke Williamson – Cindy loo who?

13. 13
    2muchbravo
    Posted November 19, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    I had a feeling Jewfrey was going to be heading home when they did his bio AND he f’d up their dish. It’ll be interesting to see if Carla chills or continues to act like a wackjob.
    WTF is it with spot prawns? They look like shrimp to me.

    I love your recaps J-Mo. I still refer to Art Smith as Big Gay Art every time I see him. Well, now he’s Not-So-Big Gay Art. And, I can’t look at Marcus Samuelsson without remembering your brilliant artwork.

    Chunky is such a big, beautiful kitty. How could you argue with him? I agree…talk to the paw!

14. 14
    badgerfreak
    Posted November 19, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    I’m kind of surprised no one has commented about the “vets” getting to come back. It completely irritates me. It would be one thing if this was an all-star challenge, or if there was a “cook your way back onto the show” sort of challenge. But they just pick 3 rand-o people from rand-o seasons, and put them back on Season 10? How does that make sense? I love CJ, Josie is completely not memorable, and Stefan is just the dick that lost. There’s no reason to bring them back at all. You just had a whole episode eliminating other chefs that should’ve rightfully had a chance to compete in a new season over these guys. It’s stupid.
    I will also be incredibly mad if Stachebear is going to make me side with Mean John. WTF is that guy’s deal? He has some anger issues. I think it’s the mustache. Maybe he’ll hogtie John to the railroad tracks…
    Carla needs to chill out. She makes me want to have a cigarette and I don’t even smoke. CALM DOWN. But it’s entertaining.

15. 15
    crankyguy
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 7:31 am

    If it’s all about the food and nothing but the food as far as who goes and who stays, as Daddy Tom has always lied about insisted, then it really should not matter who the constants are. If the quality of food really is the only criteria, then either the new crop are as good as the returning players or they or not. I do see some rationale for letting Stefan have another chance back, since Hoser never should have won over him or really much of anybody else.

16. 16
    LAC
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Thank you for the great recap, J-Mo! I get scary Grudge pictures and some kitty and Daddy porn. Nice! And oh,yes. Miss Kitty thang read you on Tvgasm with that paw move.

    I kinda like the idea of the veterans coming back to mix things up a little bit. I prefer them to having Richard “Why did I lose to a girl…whaaaaaaaaaaa” Blais or any assortment of douchenozzles coming back. (Speaking of which – Iron Chef Redemption has Marcel the Monkey Boy and Spike “Too cool for school” Mendelson among the competitors. huuuraaaay….)

    “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT CARLA IS BEING LOUD AND CRAZY FOR THE CAMERA!!!! NO!!! THE CAMERA LOVES THE CARLA! TAKE THAT BACK OR I WILL SHRIEK AND RUN AROUND A TINY KITCHEN WITH MY BANGS IN MY EYES!!!” Somewhere, there is a kindergarten class an hour past nap time missing their classmate. Shaaaaaaadup!

    It is taking time for me to warm up to any of these folks and no time at all for wishing Stachebear a handlebar mustache wedgie.

17. 17
    TVKimmy
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 8:31 am

    I’m damn happy you are recapping this. Through a series of misfortunate events, I’m living in a cheap, extended stay hotel and I don’t get Bravo. And I’m a diehard TC fan, have been from day one, so I’d be devestated without your recaps J-Mo! Saved my reality show lovin’ ass!

18. 18
    vallegirl
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 10:54 am

    @2muchbravo – I hear you about the nicknames. I still hesitate whenever I talk about Michael Voltaggio because my impulse is to call him Li’l Volt.

    But I kind of like Kuniko and the fact that she’s not learned in the ways of reality TV so she has a normal, human response to basically winning nothing by saying “Thank you,” and yet knowing that her crackheaded, American competitors might start targeting her. Plus, she has enough Carla Hall in her to actually be entertaining when she talks.

19. 19
    crankyguy
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Yeah, vallegirl, Kuniko did win nothing, essentially, unless a “good job” pat on the back is something. Not even a signed copy of Padma’s cookbook, which I remember from a previous season being the prize to the week’s “winner.” The very next week, the weekly winner got a laptop. Padma probably thought her cookbook was just as good a prize, especially since she even bothered to sign it. That laptop is obsolete by now, but the cookbook will be treasured and handed down to future generations as a cherished heirloom. But, poor Kuniko gets diddly shit.

20. 20
    kels
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Am I the only one who’s disappointed that this season’s Bear is an asshat? This season needs a DirtyBear.

21. 21
    susanb
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Did anyone notice how whenever those guys are trying to hug Grudge, she keeps backing up and holding out her hand to shake! She definitly has the Asian reseve and doesn’t like being hugged by strangers!!! She did get robbed with the knife pick because the quick fire dish was her idea too!

22. 22
    arizonatom
    Posted November 21, 2012 at 2:16 am

    Great recap, J-Mo!
    I think we need to blame Jewfrey’s mom’s super-huge glasses! I had big ones in the 80′s, but not THAT big! Also, I think you are wrong about Carla. She used her “dining-room-voice” (like an “inside voice”) when out with the judges, then went back to her “kitchen-voice” when she was back in her comfort zone! I wish Jewfry wouldn’t have gotten sacked so soon.
    Lots O’ Love

23. 23
    Khakie
    Posted November 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    CJ and Stefan were my 2 favorite chefs ever on this series

24. 24
    Khakie
    Posted November 24, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Also, haven’t finished reading but the picture on page five the yay girl power the chef all the way to the left her face in that screen grab looks exactly like richard blais

25. 25
    Khakie
    Posted November 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Sorry, Orangello is one of my all time favorite chefs as well, if not my all time favorite

26. 26
    Daisy
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 12:01 am

    Josie is awesome! She is one of the coolest celebrities I’ve met. she was so nice and genuine. I’m happy to see her back in the competition. Maybe this time she can win! Go Josie! She also has the best laugh.