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More chaos, with chefs stumbling everywhere frantically trying to claim workspace, and utensils, and ingrediences (and trying to learn each other’s names and social security numbers). Top Model Kristen Kish has run and stuck her arms up to the elbow in the shit-pit that contains the geo-duck (pronounced GOO-ee-duk) because it’s a protein that can be prepared quickly (unlike the dungeness crabs that can take up to 15 minutes to cook). The only downside to working with geoduck in her opinion is the fact that it looks like a giant penis…
or a really big limp thumb
Meanwhile, other chefs have the same idea, because Hater-Tots John, Brooke Williamson (who?) and Eliza Gavin are also digging like mad in the poo-stew searching for more penises. It’s almost like a reward challenge on Survivor, except everybody’s a lot healthier-looking and they probably don’t smell as bad. Hater-Tots finds the last geoduck and runs away with it, dribbling buttmud everywhere, which causes Crazy Eyed Eliza to give up and grab some razor clams instead. Eleyeza’s on Team Ginger with Danyele McPherson (who has so much fucking hair I’m going to call her Rapunzel from now on) and StacheBear Josh Valentine. StacheBear immediately starts bitching to us about the fact that Eleyeza wasn’t able to get any geoduck, so now they have to think of some other dish idea, and you guys, this is haaaaard…
Instead, they’re going to make the first dish anybody thinks of when you hear the word “clams”: chowder (or in this case, chowduuuuh). With any luck, StacheBear Josh will plate it 10 minutes early and it’ll be a cold gloppy mess by the time Scar and company get to eat it. This is fun.
Over in another part of the kitchen, we come across the only all-girls team, which consists of Lizzie Borden, Filipina Chrissy Camba… and mouthy-ass Carla Pellegrino, who is currently shouting at us that it is very important to not only be a good cook in the kitchen, but also to lookgood as well…
I suspect this Carla’s spirit guides are Cthulhu and Beelzebub. Lizzie and Chrissy would probably agree, because even when they are trying to talk to each other about what they’re going to do, Carla is yelling over them and demanding everyone’s attention. StacheBear Josh stops crying over geoduck long enough to tell us he’s super-glad he’s not on this team…
Hey, remember that Belgian Knight dude that made it onto the show? Me either, but he’s here and talking about how amazingBelgian food is because of all the numerous times Belgium has been conquered, they just keep all the best ingrediences from whatever the dominant culture happens to be…
my countrymen are a bunch of pussies