True Blood Recap: Everybody Hurts, Everybody Fries

True Blood

By McWeanis | Wednesday, July 18, 2012 | 5:00 pm | 13 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, True Blood

Finally, the answer we’ve all been waiting for… What makes Russell’s dick hard??

Previously… there was a scary roar at the end of the episode!

Baggin Russell

What was it? A gang of werewolves, stashed all over the old hospital! Yep, once again, Russell has V-addicted werewolf minions. While the wolves attack Alcide, Bill and, and Eric, Russell takes advantage of their distraction to attack Sookie, who flings him away with fairy light.

Eric swoops in to stake Russell, but Bill pulls up in time to stop him: if the boys turn in Russell alive, maybe the authority will let them live?

Best. Threeway. Ever.

Bill convinces Eric to hold off long enough for Black Authority Council guy to swoop in with laser guns to take over. (Do the laser guns shoot stakes or something?) Sookie’s like wtfff? As she has not really been updated on the whole Authority Politics situation. Don’t worry, Sook, it’s not that interesting.

As Russell is dragged off, he goes on a tirade about how these Authority vampires are no better than humans with their “magical thinking”. AGREE! Fundamentalism is never ftw.

Eric and Bill think quickly to explain the presence of Sookie and Alcide – they were humpin’ in a van, which the boys needed for Doug to take them to the hospital.

JUST KIDDING! This is a superior menage.

They “know too much,” so Eric glamours Alcide and Bill “glamours” Sookie. (Okay, so many problems with this. Black Authority guy is not suspicious that Alcide’s a werewolf and then Russell just happened to have werewolf minions? Also, he can’t SMELL SOOKIE? I thought fairy blood was supposed to smell all crazy and awesome, like Jessica chasing that fairy guy to the wooded clearing. And again, later in the episode, the vamps get all chompy just from a drop of Sookie blood on a bandaid. So the idea that Black Authority guy thinks she is human? :P :P :P )

BIll’s glamouring is all metaphorical:  “It will be as though we never met. And you will live your life, as you were meant to live it. In the sun.” This brings about shiny almost-tears in both their eyes.

(Why don’t vampires eyes turn red and bloody when they’re ABOUT to cry?)

Eric’s glamouring is hilarious and a bit romantic. He takes it upon himself to VERY SENSUALLY heal Alcide’s wounds with a drop of vamp blood. For your benefit, I have included a montage.

i don’t know why a man’s resistance weakening turns me on so much.

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McWeanis
About

first thing's first: the origin of "mcweanis."

It is not because I have a giant weanis (look it up) although it is usually unusually bulbous and crusty.

it is in fact because as a child i was dubbed Weanie (it rhymes with my first name, because i'm awesomely named)  by my older sister Drunk, which my friends co-opted and which eventually evolved into weanis and finally mcweanis or MC weanis depending on how gangster i am at the time.

i am a huge nerd of all kinds, especially tv, books, and school. i'll be going to harvard law school in the fall cause i'm so SCHMANCY! i plan to put my excellent time management skills to work in balancing my courseload and my must-watch-tv-load.

13 Comments

  1. 1
    Closet Fan
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Love your recaps!

  2. 2
    ellemck1
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 5:56 am

    My mombl and I wondered if whenHoyt was being drained close to death and the vampire was shot, did he somehow ingest a little vampire blood amd will they be somehow making him a vamp… I’m gonna have to watch that bit again.

    Sad about Terry and Arlene, they were so cute. And I loved seeing Ruby Jean again! She’s the best crazy!

  3. 3
    Bridget
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 7:54 am

    Entirely way too much happens every episode. Cut some of the story lines back. Alan Ball step away from this series before you fuck up it entirely.

    The best scene of this season and probably every season past was between La-la and his mom.
    Actually any scene between those two is just pure magic. Very emotional. I think those scenes really showcase what terrific actors they both are.

    I have to say I am able to tolerate Bill & Sookie this season because they are rarely in any scenes together. Anna Paquin shows a modicum of talent when she doesn’t have to act with Bill. Bill still basically sucks, but I think that Eric is doing his best to shine a turd.

    More Terry. More Andy paired preferrably with a less serious Jason. Less Sam & Luna. More Russell. Less authority, Hoty & Jessica, and Tara.

  4. 4
    Bridget
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Also it would be great if they would reveal the motivation for some of the characters behaviors. The books are also limited when it comes to revealing motivation, but I am often left wondering why is such and such doing that. It is frustrating.

  5. 5
    SuburBint
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Sookie was annoying enough to begin with, but now that she’s virtually un-killable thanks to her super fairy powers, this show makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a cheese knife every time she’s on screen. I liked it better when she was actually vulnerable; now it’s like “bad person attacks Sookie, bad person goes flying across the room due to magical fairy light/force-field/thingy. Bad person has the drop on Sookie? No worries, a friend, family member, or particularly charitable passer by just happens to be hiding in the bushes and they will leap in front of our poor fragile heroine and sacrifice their own life to save hers.” Although I guess we pretty much always had the second scenario going on.

    I’m just really, really over Sookie. She and her magical twinkly fairy vagina and super potent wonderific fairy blood can go die in a hole. She is by far the worst character in this show.

    I will, however, gladly view as many sexy Eric and Alcide scenes as this show chooses to throw at me. I would even be willing to submit for an experiment in which I have to watch such scenes for extended periods of time in order to determine the maximum number of minutes per episode that said scenes should occupy. I am currently voting for all the minutes.

  6. 6
    RazzBeth
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Nothing can top what SBint just posted, so all I will say is: Yeah. What she said! Particularly the last paragraph. :)

  7. 7
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 10:21 am

    @Suburbint, I’m sure Mr. Bint can appreciate your magical twinkly fairy vagina. (best descriptor of Sookie’s hold over men!) I guess I like the fact that Lafayette tried to kill her last week and he’s openly gay, so her pussy has no power over him.

    In general, I think this four or five episode stint was a waste of Christopher Meloni’s talents. If he really left SVU to do this, he obviously made a mistake. Why get a name actor to play such a short-term character, if Russell Edgington was always planned to be the “big bad?”

  8. 8
    SuburBint
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 10:25 am

    @ Derek Hazelton — My mother-in-law has accused my vagina of having the ability to control my husband’s mind and actions. She didn’t use those exact words, but that was the jist.

    At least last time Christopher Meloni was on an HBO show, we got to see him naked.

  9. 9
    iwantadventure
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Why didn’t The Guardian explode? No goo drop for Christopher Meloni? Too bad he couldn’t monologue through it but it does make sense to kill him allowing Russell to wreck havoc as he does so well!

    Did Hoyt get shot when the vampire was killed? I was confused.

    Anyway, I liked this episode all the plots are coming together and everything is on the precipe of beginning to be resolved. I really want to know which Vampire ate Sookie’s parents…I hope it was Bill!

  10. 10
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    No threeway that involves Bill could be classified as “superior.” Trade him out for Pam, Alcide and Eric and now you’re on to something.

  11. 11
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    @Iwantadventure, I do think that Bill ate Sookie’s parents; we’ve seen him and his maker drain the prostitutes this season and if he smelled the blood on the band-aid, he recognized it as Sookie in Season 1. He may have planned to kill her in the beginning, but fell in love with a fairy.

  12. 12
    VirtualBoricua
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Christopher Meloni was SO miscast. His stilted, stuck-on-detective-mode acting, mortally receding hairline and WTF? Nike shirts made me giggle. It’s a long way from Oz, my dear, and you can’t just click your heels three times to get back to your HBO family!

  13. 13
    annie Annie
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    Was it just me, or did this episode blow?
    Too many dumb story lines, not enough time to really explore them all in one ep. Don’t care about Terry and the Smoke Monster, and don’t care about the shit going on in the Wolf Pack, and their long meetin’ in the barn. Also losing interest in the Shifter vs. Everybody storyline.
    Speaking of which, Sam pretty much got their pack leader killed……they outta be suspects Numero Uno on the list of “Who We Think Wants to Kill Shifters?”. Duh.

    The Tara / Pam storyline seems pretty good though. Oh, and Im gonna miss Chris Meloni. What was the point of having him in half the season?

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