True Blood Recap: Insextigations

True Blood

By McWeanis | Wednesday, June 27, 2012 | 9:00 am | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, True Blood

Anyway, the history lesson was just foreplay. Her seduction strategy? Flattery, which Bill is on to, but eventually succumbs to. She admires his heart and idealism, rare among vamps. She wants to help him. Blah dee blah. They bone.

It’s really grunty and arhythmic.

Time for seduction number two. Really? (First is the worst, second is the best!) Poor Eric. He’s like a million years older but still gets sloppy seconds. Salome also tries flattery on Eric – this time through his maker, Godric. Eric’s considerably more suspicious of the mentions of Godric and Nora; Salome’s keeping the secret of their siblinghood – for now. She tries a different tack; she knows he’s been wounded. emotionally. and such. The conversational seduction pretty much fails, so she just lies naked on the bed and he comes to bone her.

and looks really excited about it.

While Bill and Eric are taking their pleasure, Nora is getting tortured about her sanguinista loyalties. She finally confesses.. but is it true? Or is she just taking the fall?

Bill and Eric later have an awkward talk about banging Salome. Bill gets to feel superior about getting first pick. I HATE when Bill gets to feel superior. The Guardian, meanwhile, goes to check in on Salome’s insextigations. She thinks she can trust them – not Sanguinista. “Mr. Compton is still looking for something to believe in, Mr. Northman only believes in himself.” The Guardian’s not quite trusting, since he’s fresh off of Nora’s traitorous confession.

Salome turns out to be not that gung ho about mainstreaming (which is apparently responsible for uprisings in the middle east.) Only for the Guardian’s protection, though, or so she says. She goes for round three with the Guardian. My god. Do vampires make sperms? Does she tighten up real quick again? That’s a lot for one day. Did she really need to have sex with all three of them? Like, strategically? Does she have a lie detector in her vag?

Jason & Jessica, Also Off Doing Unrelated Stuff

Jason’s at the grocery store, and he meets an old teacher. He seduces her with pickles. They bone. Same old same old. Oh wait, not, because it turns out this was Jason’s first, who took advantage of him when she was his teacher at some unspecified age which I am praying was at least 16 but was almost certainly not. Before the boning, Jason’s celebrating what they had and how the teacher taught him the only thing he’s good at. He laments his love history… his fuck buddy teenage vampire, preceded by a murdered girlfriend, a gay preacher’s wife and a were panther.

After the boning, Jason’s got that empty look all of us who make bad sexual decisions are familiar with.

just like looking in the mirror every sunday morning. (i’m the girl)

He takes back what he said before – everything they did was a mistake – and takes off, taking the teacher from post-coital dizzy happiness to shame and disappointment in thirty seconds.

Meanwhile, Jessica is shopping (with her “daddy’s” credit card) for a dress to impress Jason. The clerk tells her she doesn’t need to try that hard: “God gave that boy a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Jessica accurately detects that the ‘concern’ is really an expression of the other girl’s jealousy- she boned Jason and got dumped. Take that!

While Jessica is in the dressing room, a foreigner comes in to pick up an order for his sixteen sisters.

he’s a little beaky. but i guess he smells nice.

Jessica falls all over herself: “You smell awesome, what are you?” When he sees her fangs, he runs off. Sixteen sisters, that’s gotta be a hint, right? A quick google search turned up everything from covens to Franciscan nuns. Jessica follows his car, but it ends up abandoned in the woods.

All horn-dogged up from the new scent, Jessica comes to Jason’s door to get some second string loving. Unfortunately for her, he’s in no mood. “I’ve got this big fucking hole in men I’ve been trying to fill with sex.” Haven’t we been over this ground before? Sex isn’t enough? “I can’t be friends with a girl. I don’t know how.” Jessica’s going to put on some sweats and put her boobs away and listen to Jason’s day. Awww.

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McWeanis
About

first thing's first: the origin of "mcweanis."

It is not because I have a giant weanis (look it up) although it is usually unusually bulbous and crusty.

it is in fact because as a child i was dubbed Weanie (it rhymes with my first name, because i'm awesomely named)  by my older sister Drunk, which my friends co-opted and which eventually evolved into weanis and finally mcweanis or MC weanis depending on how gangster i am at the time.

i am a huge nerd of all kinds, especially tv, books, and school. i'll be going to harvard law school in the fall cause i'm so SCHMANCY! i plan to put my excellent time management skills to work in balancing my courseload and my must-watch-tv-load.

11 Comments

  1. 1
    SuburBint
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Buffy reference? Check.
    Veronica Mars reference? Check.
    Shutting down the sexy time in favor of sweats? Check.

    Quit spying on my life, McWeanis. I still have 30 days in which to turn in that restraining order paperwork, you know.

  2. 2
    motown
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 10:05 am

    The silver spray is to keep Russell out when he inevitably comes to kill Sookie.

  3. 3
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 10:19 am

    I just read the comment but Motown why would the spray have been turned towards the house if it’s to ward off Russell. Wouldn’t it have been turned out? I really think it was to keep Tara in.

  4. 4
    motown
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Truth: I am hating this season and was folding laundry while watching the episode, but I didn’t think the silver sprayed out in one direction. Also, didn’t she go to the shop to buy something to protect her from Edgerton? A stake-gun or something and then settled on the silver spray.

  5. 5
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Great recap! You got all of those story-lines nailed. I hate the Bill/Eric one. It’s a real bore! I could care less about all this mainstreaming the vampires politics…snoozefest. The best part of that was bringing in the newly vampired Reverend as back-up for the masses when it comes time for them to be swayed. That could be fun.

    As for Tara backing off on that girl who’s car was broke down, I think it was because she had a crucifix hanging from her rearview mirror.

  6. 6
    Laura Gill Laura Gill
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Pam wouldn’t have said “TB” or even “tuberculosis” back in 1905; it was known then as “consumption.”

  7. 7
    carol
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    Maybe I am alone on this, but I really wish Tara had just died and not been reborn as a vampire. I hope that she does fry in the tanning bed. I don’t like the character at all, haven’t from the start. The actress only has one facial expression, and compared to Anna Paquin, she is still not that good. That being said, if more Tara time means more Pam time, it might not be a bad thing.

    Veronica Mars. Thank you so much for the reference. The actress looked familiar but the character was the one I recognized. Even if they weren’t going for a crossover, it was a funny one.

    How did Tara ever get into Snookie’s home? Snookie never invited her in. If I remember correctly, Pam told her to go inside. Is the house still owned by Eric so it is vampire friendly? Wouldn’t this mean that Russel could just walk into the home?

  8. 8
    NikkiHughes
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Kinda makes me sad that everyone keeps saying Mac from VM and no one has the love for Deb from Napoleon Dynamite! :(
    (She was also in Big Love)

  9. 9
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    You’re not Carol. I hope it’s the true death for Tara.

  10. 10
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    @Carol, @ClassyDrunk, I love Rutina Wesley and I think Tara is one of the few breakout characters on the show, but I do think that the character has devolved over time (especially when we see how she was a ballsy girl and turned out to be a such a desperate, clingy woman). Did you guys read the EW article a few weeks ago where she said she had such a grasp on Tara, the character? I don’t even know what that means since the character has sucked for the past two seasons. I guess she knows the character sucks and has sucked for so long and will continue to do so.

    @NikkiHughes, in my Napoleon Dynamite voice, TOTS! I always think of that actress as Amanda Seyfried’s fat friend from Big Love, more so than Veronica Mars and Napoleon Dynamite.

    @McWeanis, I actually like the recaps as broken out by storyline because it’s much easier to follow than the actual episode. Thank you so much for simplifying it! Hopefully, this plot driven crapfest will be easier to recap than Mad Men.

  11. 11
    iwantadventure
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    This was a great recap! I liked that it was divided by plotline. It’s too bad the episode the week before this wasn’t recapped. And you forgot the best line of the episode when the Authority Tech said, “Think of it like a training bra.” And Eric’s response was, “It’s been a while since I wore one of those.” Anyway, I’m glad someone picked up the recaps, can’t wait for more!

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