True Blood: Season 5 Episode 1 Recap

True Blood

By ApplePie | Wednesday, June 13, 2012 | 11:30 am | 23 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, True Blood

Last season on True Blood, a whole lot of shit went down.  Let’s see if I can cover it as quickly as the “Previously, on True Blood” summation did:

That chick from the Authority, Nan, named Bill King of Louisiana

Apparently, the sun isn’t the ONLY thing that causes wrinkles.

Sookie found out she’d been in Faery for 12.5 months (the gestational period of an elephant!) instead of a few minutes

And I screwed about 3,000 women while you were gone

Antonia, a Spanish witch from the Middle Ages, possessed Marty(ie?), a Wiccan shop owner hungry for power, who formed her own coven and attempted to eradicate the entire Louisiana vampire population, Marty cursed Eric with amnesia and, thus, he became a very compassionate, if temporary, boyfriend to Sookie.  When Sookie & Company killed Marty, her ghost/Antonia’s ghost possessed Lafayette and made him kill Jesús, to get all that black magic brewing inside of him

Now Lafayette will never be able to put his Black Magic inside of him again

Hoyt and Jessica’s relationship is finally kaput now that Jess & Jason admitted their liaison to Hoyt, Terry and Arlene’s rental property went up in flames, but that crazy lady ghost (Mavis?) saved the Baby Michael from the fire and everyone was unharmed.  René showed up from beyond the grave to scare Arlene about the baby (claiming it’s his and it will be evil) and Terry’s old Marine buddy showed up to make Terry even crazier.

Okay, I give up … I can’t cover everything.  But the most important part was that Debbie Van Pelt, Alcide’s scorned ex-werewolf, came to Sookie’s house to kill her with a shotgun and Tara threw herself in front of Sookie to save her.  After Debbie shot Tara, Sookie shot & killed Debbie with Debbie’s gun.

Now, let’s start this 50-Shades-of-Grey-for-The-Non-Readers party!

Reading is overrated.

Bill checks in with Jessica’s voice mail, leaving her in charge while he’s gone, while Eric speed-cleans up what’s left of Nan in the background.

If Eric cleans a house that quickly, he WOULD be the perfect boyfriend.

We get to see the final scene from last season in a different perspective as Sookie drives up to her house and Debbie surprises her in the kitchen with a shotgun.  Simultaneously, Bill & Eric feel Sookie’s fear.  Bill wants to run to her side, but Eric reminds him that Sookie rejected them both so they need to keep scrubbing and escape before the rest of the Authority gang arrives to give them the True Death.

A lot happens in the next 30 seconds:  Lafayette, recovering upstairs at Sookie’s house from the possession debacle, hears the shot and comes downstairs to see his bloody, unconscious cousin in Sookie’s arms, Bill decides to check on Sookie but is attacked by Authority guards with silver nets before he gets out of the front yard, and Pam appears at Sookie’s, looking for Eric.

Lafayette begs Pam to turn Tara, and while Sookie waffles, Pam points out that if she does turn Tara, since Tara’s missing half her head, she may rise tomorrow night completely “fucktarded” (Kudos, True Blood writers!).  After a quick negotiation, Pam agrees to turn Tara in exchange for Sookie’s ambassadorship between Pam and a pissed-off Eric – or, as Pam puts it, if Sookie can use her “Super Snatch” to make Eric forgive Pam (Pam should write for tvgasm!) – PLUS some other favor to be named at a later time.  

I drive a hard bargain.

Meanwhile, a newly-turned Pastor Newlin is at Jason’s door, begging for permission to enter, just to talk.

Jason prefers to “just talk” naked, of course.

Jason, the wisest he’s been in 4.1 seasons of this show, tells Steve he can’t trust him, nor look at him, since he is worried that Newlin will glamour him to get what he wants.  Newlin mentions that a vampire has to be taught to glamour, and since his recent turning wasn’t exactly a mutually-agreed-upon event, his female maker abandoned him as soon as he awoke, without teaching him anything.  Jason feels bad for him, a fellow man abandoned by a woman, and makes eye contact.  Steve glamours him and gets Jason to invite him in.  Since the glamour is in direct oppostion to what Steve just said, I assume this is foreshadowing for a later episode.

Behind Merlotte’s Sam has been cornered by a few wolves, one of whom changes into a very well-built female

She’s very modest for this show: She’s covering her nips!

who demands to know what Sam and Alcide did with their packmaster, Marcus Bozeman, since he never returned from his planned confrontation with them.  Sam plays dumb and turns into a falcon or something and flies off.

Back at Stackhouse Manor, Sookie and Lafayette are preparing to bury a dead Tara and a non-dead, bitching Pam.

A Wal-Mart sweatsuit?  What’s next, a thank-you gift certificate to Ruby Tuesdays?

Sam shows up at Luna’s house to warn her and Emma that Marcus’s pack may be coming after them.  Luna begs him to tell the pack that Alcide was responsible for Marcus’s death, but Sam refuses to dime him out.

Am I pulling off the naked and honorable thing?

The pack shows up, Sam tells them he killed Marcus and knows where the body is, and the pack threatens to abuse Luna and Emma unless Sam goes with them to pay for his crimes.

Off to the Garden of Eden

Back at Jason’s, Steve releases Jason from the glamour spell and admits that he is, in fact,

a Gay Vampire American,

and also hot for Jason.  Side note:  what’s really scary is that there is an actual person like this (except for the vampire part).

Ted Haggard:  He who travels the “straight” and narrow(-minded) path falls off pretty often.  And I’m a vampire!

What a world we live in; truth really is stranger than delicious TV fiction!  This isn’t even the best part of the scene!!!  When Jason politely refuses Pastor Steve’s advances, Steve decides to bite him but is interrupted by Super Red Riding Slut before he can.  

Both of his heads & necks belong to me!

She goes all Substitute Queen of Louisiana on Steve’s ass, Jason rescinds the lovelorn pastor’s invite and we watch him get pulled out of the house, and then Jason and Jessica get to know each other all over again.  

My manhood is not threatened by this chick.  Let’s get it on!

Meanwhile, Eric and Bill are locked in the trunk of a limo carrying an intense female vampire with questionable taste in music.  Her driver agrees with me.

Paul McCartney was so much better before the “Wings” era.

Bill & Eric discuss their limited options in the trunk of the limo, where they are suffering the slow burn effect of the silver netting they are now laying on.  The silver netting blocks them from popping the trunk open yet they have to do something, since they are obviously not coming back from this Authority Car Trip To Hell.  They decide to use an umbrella that someone left in the trunk (sure, some vampire lined the trunk in silver netting yet forgot to remove all stake-like objects) to stab a hole in the gas tank and wait, fangs crossed, for the inevitable fiery explosion that will hopefully free them from the vehicle without setting them afire.  Good plan!  

It works, but the two Authority Vamps also survived.  Bill is injured more than Eric, which gives us the now-perfunctory Homoerotic Moment of the Episode between the two:

You must flee, Eric.  Save yourself (and Sooookeh, if you can).

As the driver takes aim with his gun, the female vampire stakes him and Eric recognizes her as Nora, his long-lost “sister”, another child of Godric, which naturally leads to Eric making out with Nora.

This is how you fake passion, Mr. and Mrs. Moyer.  Notice the hair-entwined fingers and the mouth suckage.

I don’t understand, Eric.  Weren’t WE just having a moment?

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23 Comments

  1. 1
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Perfect recap- so funny! I thought the same thing about Anna paquin’s acting. Is she gonna be pregnant during the shooting of the show? If so, are they going to write it in?

  2. 2
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Nice recap apple pie. I am in the middle of reading the last two books so I had all the story lines confused. I guess I need to put the books away for a while, I mean because why read when it’s on tv.

    I remembered my love for Pam when she mentioned Sookie’s super snatch.

    How do we have all this nekkidness and Alcide has a two scenes fully clothed? Here’s hoping for an unclothed were wolf next week.

    Sookie — zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

  3. 3
    Jo
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    It’s worth reading the books – quite different to the tv series. Great recap!

  4. 4
    ApplePie
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    I love the books (just finished the last book … it’s hard to wait for the next one), too. I thought I wouldn’t like that the books and show were so different (I started watching the show before I read the series) but I do enjoy it; it’s like two parallel universes and I can appreciate that. @JaneandBlanche, I hope they do write in her pregnancy next season … and that Lafayette’s the father and Mavis tries to take THEIR baby! A girl can dream …

  5. 5
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Apple – the screen captions are priceless!!

    Pam has probably the best line of the entire series when she says, “I am wearing a Walmart track suit for y’all!” I love her and Lafayette.

    And Anna Paquin gets to screw with a different hot guy each season. AND get paid for it. Sheesh. She’s not hurtin’ in this economy, that’s for sure.

  6. 6
    WaffleBoy
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    This was a great recap, thanks! I got to wondering how Anna Paquin won an Oscar, especially seeing as she had to get naked to win a Golden Globe, so I looked to see who else got nominated. I was shocked to see that she beat out Holly Hunter (The Firm), and Emma Thompson (Name of the Father), but both of them were also up for Best Actress that year, so that probably cost them both a mess of votes.
    That meant that Anna Paquin only had to beat Rosie Perez for Fearless and Winona Ryder for Age of Innocence. All I remember about Fearless is watching that with some friends one night, and everyone getting progressively more angry because the movie was terrible, but not wanting to stop watching, because “we in too deep. What if it finally starts making sense?” That meant she beat out Winona Ryder, and I think people thought Winona was going to be a much better actress, so they’ed have plenty of time to give her an Oscar later. Next thing you know AP is an Academy Award winner, and everyone who watches True Blood gets to go WTF? every week.
    I mentioned it was a great recap, right?

  7. 7
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    I also think people are always superficially impressed when children do things well. Like being a child is an accomplishment. (The same can be said for how many people are always impressed with an actor gaining weight for a role, like that’s the actual performance.) Except acting is probably a more not less natural thing for children since they play make believe a lot more than adults. Especially those who aren’t actors.

    So the Academy wanted to pat the cute little girl who acted angry really well on the head. Plus, she has a non-American accent which immediately means she’s smarter and more talented than her American competition.

  8. 8
    lindaw205
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    Great recap, ApplePie! I wish they had just left Tara dead because I haven’t liked her character since season 1. You have to cheer consistency, though, since she’s still the victim having been turned into the thing she most despised. I just hope she hasn’t been Bubbafied. Wait, is it too much to hope that she kills the crap out of AP?

    I mostly enjoyed the episode and really like the Eric/Bill bromance. Anything that will keep them both away from Sookeh. I was hoping that AB would learn that 11 million storylines does not make a good show but that isn’t the case. I guess I’ll do like I’ve done in the past….FF over the dull plot lines I don’t like. I almost didn’t come back for S5 after the big suckage of last season but the promise of a naked AS and JM dragged me back in and TB never fails to bring the naked.

  9. 9
    lindaw205
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    Oh, except this…..Alcide, why dost thou not forsake thy clothing???

  10. 10
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 3:11 am

    @LindaW205, I agree with you re: Tara (although I have a huge ass crush on Rutina Wesley). What I never understood is how Tara was such a ballsy girl and has turned into an unrecognizable victim over the past two seasons.

    @ApplePie, small note, but the woman’s name last season was Marnie, not Marty.

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 4:31 am

    @Derek…let’s try to forget Marnie…

  12. 12
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Alcide – clothes off!! :)

    It is back, yay!!! Respect my vampire authoritah!!!

    Do you think that the actress playing Nora was running through the set, high fiving folks when she read the sex scene between her and Eric? ‘Cause that is what I would do… :)

  13. 13
    DirtyWhoreMouth DirtyWhoreMouth
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

    I can’t ever decide who I love more.. Lafayette or Pam. It’s too tough to decide. Someone needs to teach sookeh how to cry

  14. 14
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    “Do you think that the actress playing Nora was running through the set, high fiving folks when she read the sex scene between her and Eric? ‘Cause that is what I would do… :) ”

    LAC it would be like the commercial where the girl gets the part and has to call everyone about it. That would be me.

  15. 15
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    @Classy! LOL! I love that commercial. So true…

  16. 16
    Elmstreet
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Excuse you ApplePie, but don’t you be making fun of Mitch (and Glen) from Swamp People! He’s just a sweet boy from the bayou who lives off the land. Or he was. Because sadly, he is no longer. :( Besides, people from Louisiana actually look like Sam Trammel (who IS from New Orleans). Mmmhmm.

    I never thought I’d complain about the nudity on this show until this episode, but was it really necessary for Alcide to be wearing clothes at all for any reason? Sheriff Andy got an ass shot! Fine, guess I’ll have to fill my Naked Joe quota when I go see Magic Mike this weekend.

    I don’t know where they are taking Terry this season, but I already don’t like it. Terry is, like, supposed to be the moral center of the show! I’m going to sic Russell Eddington after Alan Ball if anything bad happens to Terry, is all I’m saying. And since Scott Foley has already shown up (ugh), I’ve got Russ on speed dial over here.

  17. 17
    lindaw205
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    I almost forgot! I am SO glad Russell is back! And yes to the Pam and LaFayette love and wish they had more scenes together. Too bad Jesus couldn’t hang around…..I liked him with LaFayette, except for the witch stuff. I just liked them as a couple.

  18. 18
    lindaw205
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    And I vote for all the TB men to just be naked all the time, no matter what the circumstance. Maybe Terry and Lala could wear aprons while they cook.

  19. 19
    carol
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Oh, how I missed Pam and her one liners.

    Why was Jason naked at the door? Not that I mind, but does he just hang out naked at home? If so, they should consider a True Blood Big Brother.

    @classy drunk – June 29th, Magic Mike, Alcide (well, the actor) is Big Dick Richie. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t wear a shirt the whole movie.

    @LAC – everything you said is perfect.

  20. 20
    Elmstreet
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 10:16 am

    @ Carol – Jason was naked because Jessica had just been over. When she came back in to save him from Steve, she was wearing the same Red Riding Hood outfit from earlier too.

  21. 21
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 10:22 am

    thanks for this information about the nekkid Alcide in Magic Mike. Regal 24 you will have my $11.

  22. 22
    carol
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    @classy drunk – Alcide at the MTV movie awards (picture and the video) *I know tvgasm posted about this but the recap doesn’t include the video*
    http://swoonworthy.net/2012/06/04/the-mtv-movie-awards-so-this-happened/

  23. 23
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 26, 2012 at 10:42 am

    @Apple Pie, are you still recapping this? I know the last episode wasn’t that eventful (too much Tara), but I’d still like to see the recaps..THANKS!

    FYI…Alcide will be on WWHL on Weds. Here’s hoping he gets nekkid because I am sure he’s promoting the movie and True Blood. Especially since we can’t get him nekkid on the show.

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