Last season on True Blood, a whole lot of shit went down. Let’s see if I can cover it as quickly as the “Previously, on True Blood” summation did:
That chick from the Authority, Nan, named Bill King of Louisiana
Apparently, the sun isn’t the ONLY thing that causes wrinkles.
Sookie found out she’d been in Faery for 12.5 months (the gestational period of an elephant!) instead of a few minutes
And I screwed about 3,000 women while you were gone
Antonia, a Spanish witch from the Middle Ages, possessed Marty(ie?), a Wiccan shop owner hungry for power, who formed her own coven and attempted to eradicate the entire Louisiana vampire population, Marty cursed Eric with amnesia and, thus, he became a very compassionate, if temporary, boyfriend to Sookie. When Sookie & Company killed Marty, her ghost/Antonia’s ghost possessed Lafayette and made him kill Jesús, to get all that black magic brewing inside of him
Now Lafayette will never be able to put his Black Magic inside of him again
Hoyt and Jessica’s relationship is finally kaput now that Jess & Jason admitted their liaison to Hoyt, Terry and Arlene’s rental property went up in flames, but that crazy lady ghost (Mavis?) saved the Baby Michael from the fire and everyone was unharmed. René showed up from beyond the grave to scare Arlene about the baby (claiming it’s his and it will be evil) and Terry’s old Marine buddy showed up to make Terry even crazier.
Okay, I give up … I can’t cover everything. But the most important part was that Debbie Van Pelt, Alcide’s scorned ex-werewolf, came to Sookie’s house to kill her with a shotgun and Tara threw herself in front of Sookie to save her. After Debbie shot Tara, Sookie shot & killed Debbie with Debbie’s gun.
Now, let’s start this 50-Shades-of-Grey-for-The-Non-Readers party!
Reading is overrated.
Bill checks in with Jessica’s voice mail, leaving her in charge while he’s gone, while Eric speed-cleans up what’s left of Nan in the background.
If Eric cleans a house that quickly, he WOULD be the perfect boyfriend.
We get to see the final scene from last season in a different perspective as Sookie drives up to her house and Debbie surprises her in the kitchen with a shotgun. Simultaneously, Bill & Eric feel Sookie’s fear. Bill wants to run to her side, but Eric reminds him that Sookie rejected them both so they need to keep scrubbing and escape before the rest of the Authority gang arrives to give them the True Death.
A lot happens in the next 30 seconds: Lafayette, recovering upstairs at Sookie’s house from the possession debacle, hears the shot and comes downstairs to see his bloody, unconscious cousin in Sookie’s arms, Bill decides to check on Sookie but is attacked by Authority guards with silver nets before he gets out of the front yard, and Pam appears at Sookie’s, looking for Eric.
Lafayette begs Pam to turn Tara, and while Sookie waffles, Pam points out that if she does turn Tara, since Tara’s missing half her head, she may rise tomorrow night completely “fucktarded” (Kudos, True Blood writers!). After a quick negotiation, Pam agrees to turn Tara in exchange for Sookie’s ambassadorship between Pam and a pissed-off Eric – or, as Pam puts it, if Sookie can use her “Super Snatch” to make Eric forgive Pam (Pam should write for tvgasm!) – PLUS some other favor to be named at a later time.
I drive a hard bargain.
Meanwhile, a newly-turned Pastor Newlin is at Jason’s door, begging for permission to enter, just to talk.
Jason prefers to “just talk” naked, of course.
Jason, the wisest he’s been in 4.1 seasons of this show, tells Steve he can’t trust him, nor look at him, since he is worried that Newlin will glamour him to get what he wants. Newlin mentions that a vampire has to be taught to glamour, and since his recent turning wasn’t exactly a mutually-agreed-upon event, his female maker abandoned him as soon as he awoke, without teaching him anything. Jason feels bad for him, a fellow man abandoned by a woman, and makes eye contact. Steve glamours him and gets Jason to invite him in. Since the glamour is in direct oppostion to what Steve just said, I assume this is foreshadowing for a later episode.
Behind Merlotte’s Sam has been cornered by a few wolves, one of whom changes into a very well-built female
She’s very modest for this show: She’s covering her nips!
who demands to know what Sam and Alcide did with their packmaster, Marcus Bozeman, since he never returned from his planned confrontation with them. Sam plays dumb and turns into a falcon or something and flies off.
Back at Stackhouse Manor, Sookie and Lafayette are preparing to bury a dead Tara and a non-dead, bitching Pam.
A Wal-Mart sweatsuit? What’s next, a thank-you gift certificate to Ruby Tuesdays?
Sam shows up at Luna’s house to warn her and Emma that Marcus’s pack may be coming after them. Luna begs him to tell the pack that Alcide was responsible for Marcus’s death, but Sam refuses to dime him out.
Am I pulling off the naked and honorable thing?
The pack shows up, Sam tells them he killed Marcus and knows where the body is, and the pack threatens to abuse Luna and Emma unless Sam goes with them to pay for his crimes.
Off to the Garden of Eden
Back at Jason’s, Steve releases Jason from the glamour spell and admits that he is, in fact,
a Gay Vampire American,
and also hot for Jason. Side note: what’s really scary is that there is an actual person like this (except for the vampire part).
Ted Haggard: He who travels the “straight” and narrow(-minded) path falls off pretty often. And I’m a vampire!
What a world we live in; truth really is stranger than delicious TV fiction! This isn’t even the best part of the scene!!! When Jason politely refuses Pastor Steve’s advances, Steve decides to bite him but is interrupted by Super Red Riding Slut before he can.
Both of his heads & necks belong to me!
She goes all Substitute Queen of Louisiana on Steve’s ass, Jason rescinds the lovelorn pastor’s invite and we watch him get pulled out of the house, and then Jason and Jessica get to know each other all over again.
My manhood is not threatened by this chick. Let’s get it on!
Meanwhile, Eric and Bill are locked in the trunk of a limo carrying an intense female vampire with questionable taste in music. Her driver agrees with me.
Paul McCartney was so much better before the “Wings” era.
Bill & Eric discuss their limited options in the trunk of the limo, where they are suffering the slow burn effect of the silver netting they are now laying on. The silver netting blocks them from popping the trunk open yet they have to do something, since they are obviously not coming back from this Authority Car Trip To Hell. They decide to use an umbrella that someone left in the trunk (sure, some vampire lined the trunk in silver netting yet forgot to remove all stake-like objects) to stab a hole in the gas tank and wait, fangs crossed, for the inevitable fiery explosion that will hopefully free them from the vehicle without setting them afire. Good plan!
It works, but the two Authority Vamps also survived. Bill is injured more than Eric, which gives us the now-perfunctory Homoerotic Moment of the Episode between the two:
You must flee, Eric. Save yourself (and Sooookeh, if you can).
As the driver takes aim with his gun, the female vampire stakes him and Eric recognizes her as Nora, his long-lost “sister”, another child of Godric, which naturally leads to Eric making out with Nora.
This is how you fake passion, Mr. and Mrs. Moyer. Notice the hair-entwined fingers and the mouth suckage.
I don’t understand, Eric. Weren’t WE just having a moment?