True Blood: Season 5 Episode 1 Recap

True Blood

By ApplePie | Wednesday, June 13, 2012 | 11:30 am | 23 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, True Blood

Back to Boring Sookie and the slightly more interesting Lafayette.  She’s picking up little pieces of Debbie Van Pelt and putting them on a shower curtain, and he’s sitting at Sookie’s kitchen table, chasing some giant pills with Courvoisier or whatever stereotypical liquor the set designer decided he should be drinking.  

Put down the purple velvet bag and help me pick up this bitch’s mess, Lafayette, or I’ll shoot you, too.

Nora, who is an Authority “Chancellor” tells Bill & Eric that “The Guardian” wanted Nan followed to make sure she did in B&E and Nora saw this as an opportunity to save Eric.  She also implies that there is a vamp revolt brewing from within The Authority, so I guess we can predict what the theme will be for this season.

In case you were bored with all the sex and violence, we’ll mollify you with some plot points over the next ten episodes.

Anywho, since B&E messed up Nora’s breakout plan by actually breaking out, they’ll all have to find a nice, cozy shipping storage container to share for the day.  Nora’s team will come rescue them the following night, when B&E will have to enter the Vampire Witness Protection Program and say good-bye to their glamourous Bon Temps/Shreveport lives.

Sookie and Lafayette decide to continue their CSI cleanup streak by visiting Lafayette’s home with the plan to take care of Jesús’s body.  Unfortunately/fortunately, el brujo is nowhere to be found.

It’s like he was never here, bleeding all over my carpet!  Grissom would be proud!

Lafayette freaks out, wondering where the corpse is, and Sookie suggests someone else moved it, you know, to be nice.  Lafayette sends Sookie out to wait in the car, and Lafayette tries to commune with Jesús, to no avail.  What do you think, Gasmii?  Is everyone’s favorite male nurse still alive?

And then, here’s something I didn’t need to see:

Andy Bellefleur, you got a pretty ass.  Now turn around so we can see your mouth.

Holly’s two teenage sons return from deer hunting to her (very) humble hotel abode to find her passed out in bed with a very naked, feminine-silhouetted Andy.  This show is nothing if not fair with the male/female nakedness ratio.  Plus, it’s really classy.  It’s not like this is Skinemax or anything.  One of her boys even makes a video on his phone of Andy’s still-sleeping form. Once they’re both awake and appropriately embarrassed, Andy makes a quick exit.

At Terry’s new house, the guy from The Unit is sharing some family time with Arlene, Terry and the kids and pissing Terry off by bringing up his past.  

A fire destroyed your home you say?  Verrrrry interesting …

Guess Terry and Unit will be talking about that fire later.

Cut to flashback scene in which Sookie remembers a rough childhood on the school playground (that young actress had a terrific Sookie voice, BTW), where Tara defended her from bullies.  I guess we all know who won the coveted 2012 Shittiest Friend of the Year Award:

Sookie4TW!

Did I mention that this flashback takes place while Sookie’s in the shower?  I bet if I tallied up Naked Minutes vs. Clothed Minutes on this show, Naked would win.

Naked4TW!

Once Sookie leaves the bathroom, after she’s washed away her shame, it’s Lafayette’s turn to wash the blood off his hands. 

This is gonna be the world’s longest bath … Out, damn spot!

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23 Comments

  1. 1
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Perfect recap- so funny! I thought the same thing about Anna paquin’s acting. Is she gonna be pregnant during the shooting of the show? If so, are they going to write it in?

  2. 2
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Nice recap apple pie. I am in the middle of reading the last two books so I had all the story lines confused. I guess I need to put the books away for a while, I mean because why read when it’s on tv.

    I remembered my love for Pam when she mentioned Sookie’s super snatch.

    How do we have all this nekkidness and Alcide has a two scenes fully clothed? Here’s hoping for an unclothed were wolf next week.

    Sookie — zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

  3. 3
    Jo
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    It’s worth reading the books – quite different to the tv series. Great recap!

  4. 4
    ApplePie
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    I love the books (just finished the last book … it’s hard to wait for the next one), too. I thought I wouldn’t like that the books and show were so different (I started watching the show before I read the series) but I do enjoy it; it’s like two parallel universes and I can appreciate that. @JaneandBlanche, I hope they do write in her pregnancy next season … and that Lafayette’s the father and Mavis tries to take THEIR baby! A girl can dream …

  5. 5
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Apple – the screen captions are priceless!!

    Pam has probably the best line of the entire series when she says, “I am wearing a Walmart track suit for y’all!” I love her and Lafayette.

    And Anna Paquin gets to screw with a different hot guy each season. AND get paid for it. Sheesh. She’s not hurtin’ in this economy, that’s for sure.

  6. 6
    WaffleBoy
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    This was a great recap, thanks! I got to wondering how Anna Paquin won an Oscar, especially seeing as she had to get naked to win a Golden Globe, so I looked to see who else got nominated. I was shocked to see that she beat out Holly Hunter (The Firm), and Emma Thompson (Name of the Father), but both of them were also up for Best Actress that year, so that probably cost them both a mess of votes.
    That meant that Anna Paquin only had to beat Rosie Perez for Fearless and Winona Ryder for Age of Innocence. All I remember about Fearless is watching that with some friends one night, and everyone getting progressively more angry because the movie was terrible, but not wanting to stop watching, because “we in too deep. What if it finally starts making sense?” That meant she beat out Winona Ryder, and I think people thought Winona was going to be a much better actress, so they’ed have plenty of time to give her an Oscar later. Next thing you know AP is an Academy Award winner, and everyone who watches True Blood gets to go WTF? every week.
    I mentioned it was a great recap, right?

  7. 7
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    I also think people are always superficially impressed when children do things well. Like being a child is an accomplishment. (The same can be said for how many people are always impressed with an actor gaining weight for a role, like that’s the actual performance.) Except acting is probably a more not less natural thing for children since they play make believe a lot more than adults. Especially those who aren’t actors.

    So the Academy wanted to pat the cute little girl who acted angry really well on the head. Plus, she has a non-American accent which immediately means she’s smarter and more talented than her American competition.

  8. 8
    lindaw205
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    Great recap, ApplePie! I wish they had just left Tara dead because I haven’t liked her character since season 1. You have to cheer consistency, though, since she’s still the victim having been turned into the thing she most despised. I just hope she hasn’t been Bubbafied. Wait, is it too much to hope that she kills the crap out of AP?

    I mostly enjoyed the episode and really like the Eric/Bill bromance. Anything that will keep them both away from Sookeh. I was hoping that AB would learn that 11 million storylines does not make a good show but that isn’t the case. I guess I’ll do like I’ve done in the past….FF over the dull plot lines I don’t like. I almost didn’t come back for S5 after the big suckage of last season but the promise of a naked AS and JM dragged me back in and TB never fails to bring the naked.

  9. 9
    lindaw205
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    Oh, except this…..Alcide, why dost thou not forsake thy clothing???

  10. 10
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 3:11 am

    @LindaW205, I agree with you re: Tara (although I have a huge ass crush on Rutina Wesley). What I never understood is how Tara was such a ballsy girl and has turned into an unrecognizable victim over the past two seasons.

    @ApplePie, small note, but the woman’s name last season was Marnie, not Marty.

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 4:31 am

    @Derek…let’s try to forget Marnie…

  12. 12
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Alcide – clothes off!! :)

    It is back, yay!!! Respect my vampire authoritah!!!

    Do you think that the actress playing Nora was running through the set, high fiving folks when she read the sex scene between her and Eric? ‘Cause that is what I would do… :)

  13. 13
    DirtyWhoreMouth DirtyWhoreMouth
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

    I can’t ever decide who I love more.. Lafayette or Pam. It’s too tough to decide. Someone needs to teach sookeh how to cry

  14. 14
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    “Do you think that the actress playing Nora was running through the set, high fiving folks when she read the sex scene between her and Eric? ‘Cause that is what I would do… :) ”

    LAC it would be like the commercial where the girl gets the part and has to call everyone about it. That would be me.

  15. 15
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    @Classy! LOL! I love that commercial. So true…

  16. 16
    Elmstreet
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Excuse you ApplePie, but don’t you be making fun of Mitch (and Glen) from Swamp People! He’s just a sweet boy from the bayou who lives off the land. Or he was. Because sadly, he is no longer. :( Besides, people from Louisiana actually look like Sam Trammel (who IS from New Orleans). Mmmhmm.

    I never thought I’d complain about the nudity on this show until this episode, but was it really necessary for Alcide to be wearing clothes at all for any reason? Sheriff Andy got an ass shot! Fine, guess I’ll have to fill my Naked Joe quota when I go see Magic Mike this weekend.

    I don’t know where they are taking Terry this season, but I already don’t like it. Terry is, like, supposed to be the moral center of the show! I’m going to sic Russell Eddington after Alan Ball if anything bad happens to Terry, is all I’m saying. And since Scott Foley has already shown up (ugh), I’ve got Russ on speed dial over here.

  17. 17
    lindaw205
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    I almost forgot! I am SO glad Russell is back! And yes to the Pam and LaFayette love and wish they had more scenes together. Too bad Jesus couldn’t hang around…..I liked him with LaFayette, except for the witch stuff. I just liked them as a couple.

  18. 18
    lindaw205
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    And I vote for all the TB men to just be naked all the time, no matter what the circumstance. Maybe Terry and Lala could wear aprons while they cook.

  19. 19
    carol
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Oh, how I missed Pam and her one liners.

    Why was Jason naked at the door? Not that I mind, but does he just hang out naked at home? If so, they should consider a True Blood Big Brother.

    @classy drunk – June 29th, Magic Mike, Alcide (well, the actor) is Big Dick Richie. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t wear a shirt the whole movie.

    @LAC – everything you said is perfect.

  20. 20
    Elmstreet
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 10:16 am

    @ Carol – Jason was naked because Jessica had just been over. When she came back in to save him from Steve, she was wearing the same Red Riding Hood outfit from earlier too.

  21. 21
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 10:22 am

    thanks for this information about the nekkid Alcide in Magic Mike. Regal 24 you will have my $11.

  22. 22
    carol
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    @classy drunk – Alcide at the MTV movie awards (picture and the video) *I know tvgasm posted about this but the recap doesn’t include the video*
    http://swoonworthy.net/2012/06/04/the-mtv-movie-awards-so-this-happened/

  23. 23
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 26, 2012 at 10:42 am

    @Apple Pie, are you still recapping this? I know the last episode wasn’t that eventful (too much Tara), but I’d still like to see the recaps..THANKS!

    FYI…Alcide will be on WWHL on Weds. Here’s hoping he gets nekkid because I am sure he’s promoting the movie and True Blood. Especially since we can’t get him nekkid on the show.

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