True Blood: Season 5 Episode 1 Recap

True Blood

By ApplePie | Wednesday, June 13, 2012 | 11:30 am | 23 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Recaps, True Blood

His depression is obvious, especially as he considers Sookie’s pink razor while lying sadly in the tub.  I wonder where this is going.
Thank goodness Sookie’s done with her shower, because Alcide’s at the door.  Guess what?

You’re in danger.  Come with me and I’ll protect you.

The supes in Louisiana have the tiredest pick-up lines ever, and the line doesn’t work this time either.  I do wish I could move to Louisiana, if all the men look like these guys.  However, I know from Swamp People that most of them look like this:

Alcide tells Sook that Russell Edgington, Bill’s predecessor as the King of Louisiana, isn’t “dead”.  I mean, he’s undead, but he’s not dead, like Bill & Eric told Sookie he was.  Ruh-roh!  

At Merlotte’s, Jason tries to patch things up with Hoyt.  It doesn’t go well.

I dub thee Girlfriend Fucker.

While Jason’s getting his ass verbally handed to him by his former best friend and posse, Judge Clemons gets a private convo with Andy to get Andy to rescind his son’s extreme speeding court case.  Andy realizes that being sheriff is not all fucking barmaids and wearing the big star.

From one Andy to another, I’m sorry I made Sheriff-hood look cool.

Back at Stackhouse Manor, Lafayette comes to Sookie’s rescue when Alcide refuses to leave without her.  She also almost spills the beans about offing Debbie, so Lafayette’s arrival spoils that potential violence/sex scene, too.  Lafayette, although you interrupted a confrontation I’ve been waiting for, I’m happy to see you and so glad you didn’t pull a Whitney Houston!  He encourages Alcide to leave with his tail between his legs.  I am also grateful to see what Lafayette did with that razor.

Best Decision During The Entire Episode … I was getting tired of that cornrow mullet

Off in a barn somewhere, Sam’s being beaten by a few pack members who are trying to get info about where he buried Marcus.  In walks Martha, who interrupts the fun to have a short chat with Sam.  She tells him the pack’s rituals demand the use of Marcus’s body, so if he will just show the pack where Marcus is buried, she promises no harm will come to Luna and Emma.  She makes no such promises about Sam’s welfare though.  I dig this Martha chick, who was obviously ….

born with a cigarette in her mouth

Back at the storage container, Bill is giving Eric and Nora some privacy so they can catch up like brothers and sisters are wont to do …

… in Kentucky

Eric is sadly interrupted by a phone call; it’s Alcide, sharing that Russell is now cement-free and probably none too happy.  To emphasize the point, we see some poor schmuck dragged down a hallway and thrown into a room, where he is obviously killed, judging from the blood spatters on the window and the screams of pain.  Russell must be recovering nicely.

Jessica is using Bill’s house to throw a house party for the local college kids, and it’s pretty boring, and very obvious that she’s just horny for fresh meat.  Jessica’s pretty hormonal for a dead person, with all her crying jags, sexual escapades and moodiness.  

Must be all that blood in her system, causing Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Jason crashes the party, and has to find some new panties to raid, since Jessica has hers all in a bunch for Random Frat Guy.  Poor Jason …

Patrick (Unit’s character’s name) disturbs Crazy Terry on his smoke break to let him know that Patrick’s house also burned down in a suspicious fire – and so did the houses of two other guys in their former Marine squad.  Those guys died, and Patrick is convinced the house burnings are payback for “what happened that night in Iraq”.  Can’t wait to find out what that was!  Terry insists that Mavis burned down their house trying to claim Arlene’s Bad Seed Baby, and that Patrick needs to leave.

Fine, I’ll leave, but remember, if your house burns down again and you need fire insurance, you’re in good hands with my old boss.

What he said.

Back at Bill’s house,  Jessica’s singing “Cherry Bomb” on Rock Band with her new boy toy and his college friends.  I didn’t realize how much this song sucked until she sang it.  Jason offers to take the drunkest/easiest chick home, and she’s all for it, until she finds out he really means to just “take her home”.  I much prefer slutty Jason to lovelorn Jason.

Sam brings the pack to Marcus’s burial site, and they dig up his body quickly.  Luna arrives with Alcide, who admits to killing Marcus.  Two pack members immediately take the knee before him, but Martha (who happens to be Marcus’s mother) and other wolves refuse to recognize Alcide and eat Marcus’s intestines instead.  Now we know why the wolves had to find Marcus’s body.

Magically delicious?

Back at the shipping wharf, Nora, Eric and Bill meet a boat that holds Nora’s partners in crime, who have fresh identity papers for Eric and Bill and plan to take them to safety.  As Eric and Nora say their passionate goodbye, a hail of gunfire takes out the entire rescue team, and a squad of Authority vampires surround Nora, Eric and Bill.

At Stackhouse Manor, Lafayette and Sook are impatiently waiting for Pam and Tara to rise.  Sookie mentions that they haven’t eaten in awhile and Lafayette goes inside to grab some food, because that’s what gay black guys are for, to serve food.

Don’t be silly!  We also design clothes …

… and look fierce

… and run the free world

As soon as he leaves, Pam rises but Tara doesn’t.  Sookie frantically unearths Tara’s body, finding her still dead and stinky.  As she begins to “cry”, I wonder AGAIN how on earth this chick won an Oscar at age 9.  

And the Oscar does NOT go to …

Lafayette, returning from the kitchen, is more believably distraught.  In a split second, though, Tara rises and reaches for Sookie

You call that bullshit a tearful goodbye?  I should bite you to punish your bad acting.

as she screams, “Lafayette”!  Don’t think the semi-witch is going to be helpful in this situation, Sookie.  Perhaps you should be screaming a random dude’s name, since you slept with a whole bunch of guys who would be more help against a new vampire.  Can’t wait ‘til next week!  

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23 Comments

  1. 1
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Perfect recap- so funny! I thought the same thing about Anna paquin’s acting. Is she gonna be pregnant during the shooting of the show? If so, are they going to write it in?

  2. 2
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Nice recap apple pie. I am in the middle of reading the last two books so I had all the story lines confused. I guess I need to put the books away for a while, I mean because why read when it’s on tv.

    I remembered my love for Pam when she mentioned Sookie’s super snatch.

    How do we have all this nekkidness and Alcide has a two scenes fully clothed? Here’s hoping for an unclothed were wolf next week.

    Sookie — zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

  3. 3
    Jo
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    It’s worth reading the books – quite different to the tv series. Great recap!

  4. 4
    ApplePie
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    I love the books (just finished the last book … it’s hard to wait for the next one), too. I thought I wouldn’t like that the books and show were so different (I started watching the show before I read the series) but I do enjoy it; it’s like two parallel universes and I can appreciate that. @JaneandBlanche, I hope they do write in her pregnancy next season … and that Lafayette’s the father and Mavis tries to take THEIR baby! A girl can dream …

  5. 5
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Apple – the screen captions are priceless!!

    Pam has probably the best line of the entire series when she says, “I am wearing a Walmart track suit for y’all!” I love her and Lafayette.

    And Anna Paquin gets to screw with a different hot guy each season. AND get paid for it. Sheesh. She’s not hurtin’ in this economy, that’s for sure.

  6. 6
    WaffleBoy
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    This was a great recap, thanks! I got to wondering how Anna Paquin won an Oscar, especially seeing as she had to get naked to win a Golden Globe, so I looked to see who else got nominated. I was shocked to see that she beat out Holly Hunter (The Firm), and Emma Thompson (Name of the Father), but both of them were also up for Best Actress that year, so that probably cost them both a mess of votes.
    That meant that Anna Paquin only had to beat Rosie Perez for Fearless and Winona Ryder for Age of Innocence. All I remember about Fearless is watching that with some friends one night, and everyone getting progressively more angry because the movie was terrible, but not wanting to stop watching, because “we in too deep. What if it finally starts making sense?” That meant she beat out Winona Ryder, and I think people thought Winona was going to be a much better actress, so they’ed have plenty of time to give her an Oscar later. Next thing you know AP is an Academy Award winner, and everyone who watches True Blood gets to go WTF? every week.
    I mentioned it was a great recap, right?

  7. 7
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    I also think people are always superficially impressed when children do things well. Like being a child is an accomplishment. (The same can be said for how many people are always impressed with an actor gaining weight for a role, like that’s the actual performance.) Except acting is probably a more not less natural thing for children since they play make believe a lot more than adults. Especially those who aren’t actors.

    So the Academy wanted to pat the cute little girl who acted angry really well on the head. Plus, she has a non-American accent which immediately means she’s smarter and more talented than her American competition.

  8. 8
    lindaw205
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    Great recap, ApplePie! I wish they had just left Tara dead because I haven’t liked her character since season 1. You have to cheer consistency, though, since she’s still the victim having been turned into the thing she most despised. I just hope she hasn’t been Bubbafied. Wait, is it too much to hope that she kills the crap out of AP?

    I mostly enjoyed the episode and really like the Eric/Bill bromance. Anything that will keep them both away from Sookeh. I was hoping that AB would learn that 11 million storylines does not make a good show but that isn’t the case. I guess I’ll do like I’ve done in the past….FF over the dull plot lines I don’t like. I almost didn’t come back for S5 after the big suckage of last season but the promise of a naked AS and JM dragged me back in and TB never fails to bring the naked.

  9. 9
    lindaw205
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    Oh, except this…..Alcide, why dost thou not forsake thy clothing???

  10. 10
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 3:11 am

    @LindaW205, I agree with you re: Tara (although I have a huge ass crush on Rutina Wesley). What I never understood is how Tara was such a ballsy girl and has turned into an unrecognizable victim over the past two seasons.

    @ApplePie, small note, but the woman’s name last season was Marnie, not Marty.

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 4:31 am

    @Derek…let’s try to forget Marnie…

  12. 12
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Alcide – clothes off!! :)

    It is back, yay!!! Respect my vampire authoritah!!!

    Do you think that the actress playing Nora was running through the set, high fiving folks when she read the sex scene between her and Eric? ‘Cause that is what I would do… :)

  13. 13
    DirtyWhoreMouth DirtyWhoreMouth
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

    I can’t ever decide who I love more.. Lafayette or Pam. It’s too tough to decide. Someone needs to teach sookeh how to cry

  14. 14
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    “Do you think that the actress playing Nora was running through the set, high fiving folks when she read the sex scene between her and Eric? ‘Cause that is what I would do… :) ”

    LAC it would be like the commercial where the girl gets the part and has to call everyone about it. That would be me.

  15. 15
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    @Classy! LOL! I love that commercial. So true…

  16. 16
    Elmstreet
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Excuse you ApplePie, but don’t you be making fun of Mitch (and Glen) from Swamp People! He’s just a sweet boy from the bayou who lives off the land. Or he was. Because sadly, he is no longer. :( Besides, people from Louisiana actually look like Sam Trammel (who IS from New Orleans). Mmmhmm.

    I never thought I’d complain about the nudity on this show until this episode, but was it really necessary for Alcide to be wearing clothes at all for any reason? Sheriff Andy got an ass shot! Fine, guess I’ll have to fill my Naked Joe quota when I go see Magic Mike this weekend.

    I don’t know where they are taking Terry this season, but I already don’t like it. Terry is, like, supposed to be the moral center of the show! I’m going to sic Russell Eddington after Alan Ball if anything bad happens to Terry, is all I’m saying. And since Scott Foley has already shown up (ugh), I’ve got Russ on speed dial over here.

  17. 17
    lindaw205
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    I almost forgot! I am SO glad Russell is back! And yes to the Pam and LaFayette love and wish they had more scenes together. Too bad Jesus couldn’t hang around…..I liked him with LaFayette, except for the witch stuff. I just liked them as a couple.

  18. 18
    lindaw205
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    And I vote for all the TB men to just be naked all the time, no matter what the circumstance. Maybe Terry and Lala could wear aprons while they cook.

  19. 19
    carol
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Oh, how I missed Pam and her one liners.

    Why was Jason naked at the door? Not that I mind, but does he just hang out naked at home? If so, they should consider a True Blood Big Brother.

    @classy drunk – June 29th, Magic Mike, Alcide (well, the actor) is Big Dick Richie. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t wear a shirt the whole movie.

    @LAC – everything you said is perfect.

  20. 20
    Elmstreet
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 10:16 am

    @ Carol – Jason was naked because Jessica had just been over. When she came back in to save him from Steve, she was wearing the same Red Riding Hood outfit from earlier too.

  21. 21
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 10:22 am

    thanks for this information about the nekkid Alcide in Magic Mike. Regal 24 you will have my $11.

  22. 22
    carol
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    @classy drunk – Alcide at the MTV movie awards (picture and the video) *I know tvgasm posted about this but the recap doesn’t include the video*
    http://swoonworthy.net/2012/06/04/the-mtv-movie-awards-so-this-happened/

  23. 23
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 26, 2012 at 10:42 am

    @Apple Pie, are you still recapping this? I know the last episode wasn’t that eventful (too much Tara), but I’d still like to see the recaps..THANKS!

    FYI…Alcide will be on WWHL on Weds. Here’s hoping he gets nekkid because I am sure he’s promoting the movie and True Blood. Especially since we can’t get him nekkid on the show.

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