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We open this week on Stassi and Jax as they head to a dog boutique (I can’t even tell you how many of those fuckers exist in this city. It’s depressing. Even more depressing? I was once paid to pick up a dog’s birthday cake from a dog bakery.), to de-Laura Leigh Jax’s dog Zoe. Stassi’s looking much like her old self these days now that the world is right side up and Jax and her friends are kissing her ass again. Hilariously metaphorical, dogs hump each other around the couple’s ankles as Jax dedicates his whole fucking life to getting Stassi back. He’ll do anything, say anything, BE anything, if she’ll just take him back. Stassi pouts that she’s making an effort to get past ALL his mistakes so they can be “friends” again, and then snakes him out of a hundred bucks. This girl is good. Not only is she not sleeping with him, she’s not even committed to being FRIENDS with him, and he’s still giving her money he probably doesn’t have.
At Sur, LL approaches Lisa and squeaks that she’s quitting… because bitch booked a Jennifer Aniston movie. She’s flying out at 10pm that night and isn’t looking the fuck back. Holy. Mother. Of. God. That, my friends, is reality television gold. When she was cray-craying all over Jax last week about how when she booked her own TV show and got her picture took walking down the red carpet all of them were going to be sorry, all I could see was her at home in a studio in Echo Park doing meth alone and talking to herself! Not to mention it’s kind of frustrating to see someone who is clearly non-functional on so many levels succeed at a career widely deemed to be one of the hardest. Then again, show biz likes crazy…
…all the way to the bank.
Later on in the evening, Kristen’s at work and she calls Tom (while at work, on the floor) to whine about how much she misses Stassi and wants to make up. Tom encourages Kristen to go through with it, probably unaware of the massive amount of shit his girlfriend is about to eat. Use a dental dam tonight, Tom. But, before she can get the chance to pull Stassi aside, Peter pops up to both women and lets them know that LL will no longer be working at Sur due to a deux ex machina I keep wishing will happen to me. Kristen’s all, “She BOOKED it?” and looks much like she’s going to puke. Ha! Now go beg Stassi for forgiveness, so your night of humiliation and regret will be complete.