Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap: We All Watched

Vanderpump Rules

By Alejandra | Wednesday, March 6, 2013 | 8:12 am | 12 Comments
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Posted in: Recaps, Vanderpump Rules

So this was boring, and by boring, I mean BOOOOOOOOORRRIIIINNGGGG.  But that’s what happens when a show focuses on a couple that’s shallower than an empty bathtub and surrounds them with a bunch of people we’re expected to believe have nothing else to worry about besides their friends’ breakup.  But let’s begin at the beginning, because I have to, NOT because it’s a very good place to start.  Hey!  Did you guys catch the AMAZING “The Sound of Music” gag at the Oscars?  Surprise!  I like musicals, and I’m still giggling.

A moment in my life during which Seth McFarlane and I made exactly the same face.

The gang’s all here, including Lisa, who’s not so much a participant, but a MAIT (Miss Andy In-Training).  She doesn’t do a crap job, but there is only one Miss Andy (thank goodness) and shadowing him makes Lisa look like a wannabe.

It’s like she’s trying to steal his spirit.  You can do better, Lisa!

Andy asks Lisa what it was like watching all the staff shenanigans that she usually doesn’t get to see, and in so many words, she says it sucked.  Apparently it wasn’t fun remembering days when Stassi called off and realizing that most of the time it was because of some bullshit emotional meltdown.  Fair.  If my bosses knew that 99.999999% of my excuses (all of which are WAY more legitimate than “a breakup”) were foul lies designed to mask the fact that I have a really, REALLY difficult time leaving my house on time, they’d probably be… firing me.

But, Bravo insists that Stassi is more interesting than Lisa running a restaurant (jury’s out on that for me), so Andy asks Stassi how many people have to die before she becomes a princess.  Hey, Miss Andy – don’t give the violent girl ideas.  Then he reads out a bunch of her self-important quotes.  Thanks, Andy, I totally forgot how awful Stassi was, and my faith in the basic goodness of humanity was on its way to being restored, but no longer!  According to her, Stassi has always been totally full of herself, even as a child, and… nope, that’s it.  She stops there.  You heard it here first, Gasmii – once an asshole, always an asshole, and there’s no changing. 

Speaking of assholes, apparently, two yahoos drove up all the way from San Diego (for those not in the know, that’s a long way for dinner) to visit Sur and taunt Stassi.  JEEZ.  The TIME on your hands!  Listen, I’m not saying I’m above that, I’m not even saying I don’t have plans to do that this Friday, but I WILL say, I can fucking walk to Sur, pop in, and then go have a night that doesn’t revolve around someone I don’t know.  We all might like to judge Stassi from the comfort of our couches, but that’s a long way from spending $100 on gas and hanging out with a bunch of Persians just to be nasty to someone you’ve never fucking met.  I hope Stassi finds you, San Diego Weirdos, and rips you new assholes bigger than the one she ripped Laura-Leigh.  Who am I kidding – you’d probably enjoy that.

You are clearly easily amused…

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About

Alejandra lives in Los Angeles and is an actor/writer/producer of opinions.  She loves the beach, but never goes, and hates reality stars, but follows them religiously.  In addition to TVGasm, you can read her writing at the online magazine DigN2It, or various fanfiction websites if you're industrious enough to find her.  If you're not industrious at all, a bottle of fine wine will always be an acceptable bribe.

12 Comments

  1. 1
    cocoted
    Posted March 6, 2013 at 8:28 am

    I spent the whole episode transfixed by the clump of fake eyelash glue on Stassi’s left eye. Why didn’t one of her “friends” tell her it was there?

  2. 2
    MrsRogerSterling
    Posted March 6, 2013 at 10:29 am

    In no way, shape or form do I find Jax attractive. His smarmy smile and hideous lower teeth drive me insane!!!

  3. 3
    Jacey
    Posted March 6, 2013 at 10:30 am

    Anybody else sick of the Stassi & Jax show? Why did they have anybody eles there? I think Katie said like 1 sentence. Let’s be honest! You know they are on this show for the publicity and I need someone to confirm that they exactly serve food. Yet like the car wreck they are I can’t turn away. I will watch a 2nd season just for the meltdowns. Honestly if I got caught having sex at the bar I work at (it’s my 2nd job and no I’m not an actress lol) I would be fired. I can’t call in to either job because my boyfriend broke up with me. Plus if an ex-methhead twitchy high pitched girl can get major roles than I KNOW I can be an actress. LA and Sur here I come! (well after I lose weight and have my chin done lol)

  4. 4
    LP
    Posted March 6, 2013 at 10:42 am

    I am so enamored by this train wreck of a show that my girlfriends and I ventured to SUR for dinner the other night. Peter the manager was there and he’s by far the hottest guy on the show. That is all. Oh, and the food there sucks almost as bad as Jax and Stassi’s relationship.

  5. 5
    labowner
    Posted March 6, 2013 at 11:46 am

    LP interesting you say that about the food, may be that is why the serve all that alcohol so you won’t notice the difference.

    Okay what in the fuck is wrong with Lisa that she is constantly making excuses for Stassi and still has her employed? Oh wait the show was totally scripted as no way in hell anyone could still be working after sending those texts and proudly admitting it. This is California and a Hostile Work Environment lawsuit should have been filed by LL. Anyone know how they get around the law?

  6. 6
    labowner
    Posted March 6, 2013 at 11:47 am

    I forgot. Thank you Alejandra for having to recap this shit show.

  7. 7
    Jacey
    Posted March 7, 2013 at 10:40 am

    LP was anybody else there working? Because I’m pretty sure none of them actually work lol

  8. 8
    LP
    Posted March 7, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    Jacey…I didn’t see anyone else from the show there that night but after reading the restaurant’s reviews on Yelp, patrons report that it is pretty common to see Jax, Stassi, Tom, and the rest of the gang actually working as servers. I’ll have to go back on a different night for hopefully more sightings.

  9. 9
    glesson
    Posted March 9, 2013 at 2:22 am

    stassi could only ever be heart broken by being turn into a vampire
    she’s a thug on every level
    nothing matters but her

  10. 10
    glesson
    Posted March 9, 2013 at 4:01 am

    just to help the reviewer (and the cast)…
    stassi’s friends did not believe frank, not her.
    and all frank had was the word of a snake… hisself
    stassi choose to ditch her pals when they refused to be taken in: they tried to defend her from that douche, but you can’t protect people from themselves, and she has spent her whole life getting the world to spin her way – there was no chance

    not a small difference, but those fools couldn’t see it

  11. 11
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    @cocoted-I did too!

    That and I literally wondered if I could remember an episode where Stassi didn’t cry. I don’t think there is one.

    They should name a drink after her and call is Crocodile Tears. Jaysus that witch can’t cry at the rop of a hat.

    And what, WHAT was that monstrosity she was wearing? It looked like a Russian ice skater’s costume for the Olympics of something. #NOTHOT

  12. 12
    2muchbravo
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 1:22 am

    Soooo sick of the Jax and Stassi show. He’s every delusional, smarmy guy and she’s a princess. Everything is always, “Why are they doing this to meeeee? I never do anything wrong. Why meeee?” I knew people like this in college. I don’t need to see them on my TV.
    I must say I’m disappointed that in Lisa for keeping them at her business. Any other serious business person (who was fucking one them herself) would have fired these people for acting like they have.

    Oh, and I think little Laura-Leigh may be having the last laugh. Not only is she in a Jennifer Aniston movie, she’s got a part on, “The Client List.” Hope she stays on the wagon.

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