X Factor Season 2 – Introducing Our 5th Judge: God. (Auditions 4)

X Factor

By PearlBlackDragon | Friday, September 21, 2012 | 4:59 pm | 13 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: 1, Recaps, X Factor

Tonight’s auditions are being held in Greensboro, NC.  Apparently the entire town decided to show up because there is not A SINGLE soul on the street.  Kinda creepy.  Simon, however, uses this opportunity to have his driver show him around.  The first place she takes him is a diner for some grits. Grits are a love em/hate em kind of food.  I hate em, my brother would sell his child for them.  Simon thinks they taste like butter.  Probably has nothing to do with the stick of butter they put in his bowl. Ew.

Back at the stadium we meet a young man named Willie Jones.  Willie is sporting a killer Kid n’ Play haircut and some good old nineties clothes.  I’m almost scared to hear what old school rap/ R & B song he chooses. Willie is a really nice kid though and when LA Reid tells him to stop calling him sir Willie replies,”Yes sir.” LMAO.
The music starts to play, Willie starts to sing, and my jaw hits the floor:

Willie Jones – Your Man by Josh Turner

Goosebumps.  Absolute goosebumps. I feel like I am tripping out because this kid is the exact opposite of his image. But oh can he hit those low notes. As the song goes on his range pulls up a bit so I have a feeling this kid is hiding some things.  Time will tell. Four YAY!’s for Willie.

Now I complain a lot about not being able to understand the words when people sing but our next auditioner, Kalvin McManigle takes it to a whole new level.  

Kalvin McManigle – laskdfhg#%#r4 by !jddir#5

Kalvin is so awful that it turns awesome.  I keep watching this and giggling my ass off.  And while Kalvin gets four nos from the Judges, he gets a, “Thank’s for comin’ out.” from me.

Standing in line waiting for her big break is Julia Bullock.  Julia is the lead singer in a band.  The band is pissed that Julia is here trying to become a solo act.  It doesn’t help that 1/3 of the band is absolutely in love with her. Like this is uncomfortable  to watch in love.  Julia lies to the judges when she tells them that the band supports her and is happy for her.  I hope she fails.  There is nothing I hate more than a liar.

Julia Bullock – Pumped Up Kicks by Foster The People

Meh.  She is too peppy for this song. This song is about a kid on a killing spree.  No need to smile and show perk all the way through.  Julia’s vibrato is awful when she sings this high. Nerves? I am annoyed with the judges when they all tell her how wonderful she is and that they just LOVE her. 4 YAY!’s for Julia.  I don’t see her making it past judges houses.

We meet another young lady with the side of her head shaved.  Her name is Krysten Colon and she is bubbly and cute and I like her. Krysten doesn’t want to be a hairdresser for the rest of her life so she is here to make her dreams of singing come true.  Same old story.

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I live in the wonderful land of Canadia.

I am the warden of a teen and not teen.

In my spare time I like wine, TV, and wine.

Sometimes I like stuff but mostly I like things.

I am loud mouthed and am not afraid to show my true colours.  What you see is what you get.  Unless you add wine.  Then you get more.

In a perfect world I would rule it. And you would all bring me dirty rock stars.  It would be a good life for all even though I wouldn't reward you.  Your reward would be knowing I'm happy. Also, bring wine.  I would like that. Don't be sad. If stuff wasn't all about me it would be all about the Kardashians. Lesser of two evils. Well, more tolerable of two evils. OK well, I at least would encourage drinking. JEEZ QUIT BEING SO NEEDY AND GET OFF MY BACK. I would let you use my air. There. Happy? Now leave me alone.

13 Comments

  1. 1
    sfspurri
    Posted September 21, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    As much as I love the two girls from Rochester, MA (originally from New Bedford, my hometown, YAY!), I really am voting for Jeffrey and Vino (?? the guy with the tattoos on his face & head and performs for the troops). Other than their amazing talent, I have a thing for tattooed guys who are looking to use their talents to provide for their children. :)

  2. 2
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted September 21, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Jeffrey was AMAZING!!!!! I can so see him winning the whole shebang.

    What a cooze Krysten was, sorry Toots, you can’t sing to save your life. Thank for flipping out and making my night.

    The thunder was way cool, no?

  3. 3
    sfspurri
    Posted September 21, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Also, with Krysten, I love how her mom told her “You promised you wouldn’t act like this.” Which leads me to believe that her getting big fat no’s was discussed, and that her mom knows what a crazy b her daughter is. That’s when you, as a mother, go: “Whee! We’re off to the X Factor! We’re just going to stop here at some singing lessons, right across the hall from an inpatient anger management rehab center you’re going to hang out in for a week! IT’S GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!!”

  4. 4
    realhousewivesfan
    Posted September 21, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    The Last pitchy bitch is just a Rihanna Big headed chubby copy cat, I bet she idolizes her. Anyway i Loved the Hallelujah guy!! Fav so far in the compettetion, my least is the born this way black transgender/gay male in a weeding dress to make the community look bad.

  5. 5
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted September 22, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    This is a real public service. I can just read this recap and I don’t have to endure the bloated version on TV.

    Some thoughts:

    My beloved, late dog used to leave deposits out in the yard that were very reminiscent of what Demi Lovato has on the top of her head in this episode.

    A kid named Talon? Does he have siblings named Phalanges and Phalanx?

    What has Simon done to his face? He’s looking quite waxen.

  6. 6
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted September 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    @Gilty P., thanks for the chuckles, you should be a recapper! I couldn’t figure out what the hell that thing was on Demi’s head, now I know

  7. 7
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted September 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Oh and btw, did anyone else notice the woman with the huge hair holding “Talon”? She looks like a chubby Marcia Brady

  8. 8
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted September 23, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Thanks, Pat Ledoux! I’ve thought about being a recapper, but I’m not sure if I could stomach watching some of these shows on a regular basis. And, I fast-forward through much of the boring filler junk of the ones I actually do watch regularly. I have a lot of respect for recappers. They sacrifice a lot for our laughter.

    Was that little Talon’s mother? You’d think if it was, they’d include her in the backstory of the struggling wife and mother supporting her husband’s dream through the years. She did look like an inflated Marcia Brady or that youngest kid on “Family Ties.” Tina Yothers? Daddy did have kind of a cool voice. What was his name, Jeffrey Gutt? GUTT? The kid’s name is Talon Gutt! And vultures use their TALONS to rip out the GUTTS of dead animals. Oh, brother. They could have used a little Latin flair and named him Colon Gutt.

  9. 9
    Holyterror
    Posted September 23, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I’m sitting here WEEPING after Jeffrey Gutt’s audition, and I really don’t do that kind of shit. Add the cute kid running out to him, and I’m a mess. He also just seems like a really decent person. I came to be snarky, but I really wish him well.

  10. 10
    juddfan
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    OMG, Holyterror, I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one! I’ve got to give it up to the editors, coz they milked me like a cow in heat! The kid, the single parent, that song . . . that voice . . . oh gawd I bawled!!! I’m usually easy tho, but seriously . . . I can only take so much! His voice has so much amazing potential, can’t wait to hear more! I’m prayin’ for some good song choices, it will make all the difference. I”m afraid to watch it again here in the office, lest I go off again!

    The country kid was good, but he really needs to rethink his tired look that has nothing to do with country. He might be cute under all that Bobby Browness . . .

    The tattoo guy was hot, @sfspurri, but for whatever reason, people who sing “Trouble” for auditions, and do well, almost never live up to their potential . . . hope he proves me wrong tho.

  11. 11
    XxinnocentexX
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    (previously sfspurri)

    @juddfan, I didn’t think think Vino was hot (however, it helps that his name means “wine” in Portuguese), but he had a sultry voice I loved! I hope he proves you wrong as well though, because I might not like looking at him very much, but I could live with him waking me up in the morning. :p
    I’m just a sucker for his personality, especially since the stigma is still there that if you’re heavily tattooed, you’re automatically judged by some as not a good person. But the dude is doing this for his son and sings for the troops. I just love when people like him prove idiots wrong. :)

  12. 12
    XxinnocentexX
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    OH! And PBD, I’ve been meaning to compliment you on your quick recapping skills. LOVE IT!

  13. 13
    KartofflMuter
    Posted September 29, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    I love Will Jones- I don’t like Simmons’s daughter. Saddly. Tara will have a melt down. So will the kid who had a hydration problem-13-end of show-carryover-totally staged. He had a good voice,30 extra pounds. Bring him back in 3 years-if the U.S still exists. Dinah-15? with 20 in her family? -Not a chance in hell. But -do get a psych eval and some orthodontal XXXXL work.
    Translation- her bet is as good as her baby bro’s shot at the pissoir in 5-4-3-2-1.

    I s anyone else getting tired of the desperate ,the ridiculous,the clownish, the delusional,those who had it but lost it and G-d really needed a bash in the head (the guy who sang a duet with Brittany and his life has taken a nose dive and you just know-you just KNOW-you will be reading his obit in the next 3 months and wondering why No ONE stepped up to drag him out of hell and save him????????)
    And yes-I’m even talking to myself. But I had oral surgery for 3 FxxxxK weeks folks and all my “life partner” could say when I dared to come down in my floor length night gown (he had bought me ) was “you look horrible. My G-d you’re ugly.”
    So -I have nothing to eat with after spending$12000 but,I will still reach out to him. Hell-it’s not like I’ll lose my husband. Anybody have his full name and address? Because I know,(personal experience)-this poor schlub will try to end his pain. I don’t know anyone to help me. I tried calling the Suicide Hotline. They are no help. Don’t believe the police. They are liars. I have been hung up on 3 times in a row. Did they know I would die? Or were they somehow omnipotent? My first attempt was when I was 9. Damn car swerved. Then I overdosed on aspirin. The doctor did exploratory surgery. I can’t tell you how many times-no one has given a damn. And you know what ? ASC ? When you finally steal my house out from under me? You will find me hanging from my beaautiful 20 foot ceilings. Why? Because I know you are waiting for the highest price from the highest Chinese bidder. And they are superstitous. Dead body-vengeful corpse-lower price. I will be very vengeful.

    Shame on you for making money off our corpses.
    Romney-I hope your dead,vomitting dog haunts you and shits in your mouth.
    Probably as good as the wife’s cooking.
    So-gimme the name. I have nothin’ and nobody left.
    I even tried to make friends on this place-but hay-I guess-I’m too old? too stoopid?
    And what the fuckin hell is a troll? I’m an old women who’s been picked on by pretty much everybody and
    Has decided she’s not going to take it anymore-which makes me what?
    One more moocher for Obama?
    Have you got a problem with that?
    I dared
    Dared to support saris-
    Yahoo-people- I just got and order in of 10 new ones -10 -priced from $1.25 to $9.59.
    No-I’m not a seller. I just wanted to make Kanta quilts for my children.
    Till I got the latest letter from my daughter’s kidnapper.
    (This is the daughter who called 4 cop cars on us. Told her BF”s parents I never fed her (she was 20 lbs overweight) and gave her no blankets).
    I wanted to make Kanta quilts for the kids. I’d already made crochet blankets, 19th C. quilts,coverlets,and was now making Indian Bengali Kantha Quilts. If you want the address.,just ask. If you want the daughter-pictures of my broken heart are available at hvgee@me.com

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