Paige Thomas – I’m Going Down by Mary J. Blige
I like her attitude and she has a good tone. Not too much of the vocal gymnastics. I’m not sure she is as good as the judges claim – Simon called it his favorite audition ever. But she can sing and should go far. She gets four yeses – yesses – yes’s – yes’ FUCK IT four YAY!’s. And we’ll see her at boot camp.
Now I thought miss fancy pants Kaci would be up next but NOPE. We just get to see her dogging the other contestants and hear this lovely comment come out of her mouth, “I’ll stand out because not everyone is as pretty as me. Especially in this crowd.”
Our next audition comes in the form of a baggage handler named Shawn Armenta. Knowing what I know about this show I never judge a book by it’s cover. HA! OK, I lied. I always judge and let shit fall where it may. More fun that way. Dude is a hot mess and I can’t wait for this. Shawn gets onstage and tells the judges that he has prepared by being in studio every night for four hours a night for the last 18 months. That’s dedication! THEN he drops the bomb. He is singing a song he wrote himself called Candy Girl. Aw FAK! I hate originals in auditions. Save that shit for your record deal. I want something I can recognisably make fun of. Jeebus. Can’t a girl get a break?
So he sings. If that’s what we are calling caterwauling these days. It’s awful, the song is worse and his dancing is like that drunk uncle that everyone has who takes off his shirt and dances at weddings. Simon holds up his hand to stop the travesty and there is complete and utter silence. Complete and utter AWKWARD silence. No one wanted to be the first to say anything. You know your shit is bad when…
Finally Simon says, “You are like a mouse trying to be an elephant. It’s just wrong.”
Shawn mouths off to Simon (always a good idea) and says he worked really hard and he knows he’s good.
Demi tells him, “A lot of people work really hard for their dreams but they might not be right for them.”
Britney asks him who let him onstage. HA! And in a hissy fit he leaves the stage but not before telling us he knows he is great and he is really insulted by the judges. Delusion-O’s are not just for breakfast anymore.
Then we get the obligatory montage of suck so I drink. Giant skull mug and I have decided on tequila to help with this evening. Say hi to Giant Skull Mug everyone!
BUT…wait…what’s this? During the montage of suck we get to hear Ms. Spears comments on the suckfest. Turns out Britney’s a bitch and I am in LOVE. Here are a few gems…