X Factor Season 2 Recap: It’s Britney Bitch (Round 1 Auditions)

X Factor

By PearlBlackDragon | Thursday, September 13, 2012 | 12:01 am | 10 Comments
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Posted in: Recaps, X Factor

Paige Thomas – I’m Going Down by Mary J. Blige

I like her attitude and she has a good tone.  Not too much of the vocal gymnastics.  I’m not sure she is as good as the judges claim – Simon called it his favorite audition ever.  But she can sing and should go far.  She gets four yeses – yesses – yes’s – yes’ FUCK IT four YAY!’s. And we’ll see her at boot camp.  

Now I thought miss fancy pants Kaci would be up next but NOPE.  We just get to see her dogging the other contestants and hear this lovely comment come out of her mouth, “I’ll stand out because not everyone is as pretty as me.  Especially in this crowd.”

Our next audition comes in the form of a baggage handler named Shawn Armenta.  Knowing what I know about this show I never judge a book by it’s cover. HA! OK, I lied.  I always judge and let shit fall where it may. More fun that way.  Dude is a hot mess and I can’t wait for this.  Shawn gets onstage and tells the judges that he has prepared by being in studio every night for four hours a night for the last 18 months. That’s dedication! THEN he drops the bomb. He is singing a song he wrote himself called Candy Girl. Aw FAK! I hate originals in auditions. Save that shit for your record deal.  I want something I can recognisably make fun of. Jeebus. Can’t a girl get a break?  

 

So he sings. If that’s what we are calling caterwauling these days. It’s awful, the song is worse and his dancing is like that drunk uncle that everyone has who takes off his shirt and dances at weddings. Simon holds up his hand to stop the travesty and there is complete and utter silence. Complete and utter AWKWARD silence.  No one wanted to be the first to say anything. You know your shit is bad when…
Finally Simon says, “You are like a mouse trying to be an elephant. It’s just wrong.”
Shawn mouths off to Simon (always a good idea) and says he worked really hard and he knows he’s good.
Demi tells him, “A lot of people work really hard for their dreams but they might not be right for them.”
Britney asks him who let him onstage. HA! And in a hissy fit he leaves the stage but not before telling us he knows he is great and he is really insulted by the judges.  Delusion-O’s are not just for breakfast anymore.

Then we get the obligatory montage of suck so I drink. Giant skull mug and I have decided on tequila to help with this evening. Say hi to Giant Skull Mug everyone!
BUT…wait…what’s this? During the montage of suck we get to hear Ms. Spears comments on the suckfest. Turns out Britney’s a bitch and I am in LOVE. Here are a few gems…

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6

I live in the wonderful land of Canadia.

I am the warden of a teen and not teen.

In my spare time I like wine, TV, and wine.

Sometimes I like stuff but mostly I like things.

I am loud mouthed and am not afraid to show my true colours.  What you see is what you get.  Unless you add wine.  Then you get more.

In a perfect world I would rule it. And you would all bring me dirty rock stars.  It would be a good life for all even though I wouldn't reward you.  Your reward would be knowing I'm happy. Also, bring wine.  I would like that. Don't be sad. If stuff wasn't all about me it would be all about the Kardashians. Lesser of two evils. Well, more tolerable of two evils. OK well, I at least would encourage drinking. JEEZ QUIT BEING SO NEEDY AND GET OFF MY BACK. I would let you use my air. There. Happy? Now leave me alone.

10 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 12:48 am

    Ugh. Since I can’t stomach TWO bad singing contest shows in one season, I decided I’ll watch the first one to get its recap. So X-factor it is.

    I’m not bitter about it. I kind of like the Simon Cowell character, his queeniness was the best part of Idol after all. And the Voice is, let’s face it, irrelevant.

  2. 2
    ConfusedinCanada
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:07 am

    Let’s face it there are 3 bad singing contests, X-factor, American Idol and The Voice…all are on for reality tv appeal and not really to help the singers.

  3. 3
    Toad
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:14 am

    The editing reminded me of the Hills or something lol

    Otherwise I <3 Xfactor and the new judges.

    The rocker girl was my absolute favorite of the night.

    Great recap!!!

  4. 4
    Gerrit Verstoep
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Loved your recap. Look forward to spending the season with you.

    @ConfusedInCanada (and who isn’t?) You’re probably right about these shows not wanting to help the singers. And I suppose Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Leona Lewis, JLS, One Direction and Adam Lambert just popped out like an undetected pregnancy in a junior high school locker room -hmmmm.

  5. 5
    keebler elf
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 10:30 am

    i loved britney but i dont really like demi as a judge, sounded like she was judging a beauty pageant most of the night telling people they were beautiful, cute, or adorable

  6. 6
    See-Jay
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 10:48 am

    I’m not sure why The Voice gets slammed so much around here. It’s miles above Idol or The X-Factor in terms of talent and the judges have the best chemistry out of any panel. The format of the show leaves a lot to be desired but overall I enjoy it significantly more than any other singing competition on TV.

    I found the X-Factor premiere to be pretty offensive, overall. The glorification of the judges was to be expected, but the blatant scripted drama and the exploitation of tortured souls (Don Phillips) was simply nauseating. On top of that, even the “good” auditions weren’t anything to write home about. The last audition with the “bullied” girl (that word gets thrown around too often nowadays and it’s nearly lost all meaning) was ridiculously melodramatic and dragged out for far too long.

    Side note: Demi Lovato went to my town’s high school and the general consensus from students who knew her was that she had a bitchy, superiority-complex which was why nobody liked her. Being unpopular for having a terrible personality does not translate to “I was bullied.”

  7. 7
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I don’t like The Voice for a couple of reasons. The first being that it’s whole concept — that people are chosen based on their voice alone — is bullshit. That takes up an entire five minutes of the season. From there on in, it’s pretty much the same popularity contest as AI or X Factor.

    It’s also completely unrealistic to pretend that some 40-year-old schlub has a chance at any kind of professional career.

    Which leads me to the Voice’s penchant for stocking its fishpond with ringers — nearly all of the people they feature seem to be professional singers of one form or another. I understand why they do this — the more seasoned types handles the pressure better and put on a better show. But it completely eliminates the whole fantasy of some unknown being picked out of nowhere to achieve fame and fortune.

    Which is really the only reason to watch these shows, isn’t it?

    But perhaps the worst part of the Voice are the judges — their schtick was cute the first season. It got tiring really really quickly the second season. The only real interest the second season was wondering if and when Xtina’s chest would finally explode.

  8. 8
    juddfan
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    I was so curious about Brit, I had to tune in. This show made me ill last time around, not sure it will be better this time, but I did find Ms. Spears refreshing with her leathery looking skin. Even Simon was in awe . . . Demi had one good line, “everyone is going to love your new look” to Simon in a really ill-fitting white tee.

    I wish someone told the first girl, Mary J is not your jam . . . her voice is much more suited to pop with less range, but I found her adorable, and I liked the stockings. Her daughter was so funny how she looked on in awe, can’t imagine the impression it made on a three year old.

    LA is still a pig, sorry, but he is . . . there’s something really sleezy about him and this show.

    I was glad the grrrls were there to push through the drag queen bride, it was funny, and you can tell their youngness makes them more hip to something like that. LA and Simon would have never put him through otherwise.

    I’ll give it a chance tho, I can’t with the voice . . . just have no interest . . . I’m curious to see which judge will get which group, the ones with Demi wont have a chance, sorry kid, but you’re just too young. They’ll probably give her the over 30′s . . . sigh . . .

    How odd that there hasn’t been a whisper about the 5 million dollar winner Leona clone from last year–I heard she was in pop star school, whatever (cough)diet(cough) that is . . .

    look forward to more caps, PBD!

  9. 9
    PearlBlackDragon PearlBlackDragon
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    Thanks All! Glad to have you all stuck in the cabin watching this with me. Don’t worry. If this plane/show starts going crashing and burning I will save myself. But I promise to write really nice eulogies for all of you. I might even write stuff I mean.
    Here’s to hoping for a great season!

  10. 10
    JELLIEPAIR
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Im surprised there isnt more talk about what a train wreck britney is – she looks at least 40, her hair looked terrible, her eyes look crazy, she was eating m-&-m’s during the show while she was talking and made faces throughout the entire show. i am not complaining though – so much better than nicole and paula although paula was always amusing. That whole scene with her former duet partner was painful for everyone. He looks like he might be wearing a britney mask and skin in some basement

    I wonder if Simon will get the girls again this year as Britney would be the logical choice. Let simon have the groups…he seems to have the touch with them. What Demi Lovato can teach is anyones guess. Perhaps eyebrow drawing 101. LA Reid is creepy and reminds me of the butler on different strokes…- and if we get another astro this year I wont be surprised as LA thinks thats what america is looking for.

    Why do they bother allowing over 30′s anyway – its not like they will give them the prize. And

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