ZineCap: People Magazine Recap

ZineCap

By Flipit | Thursday, December 6, 2012 | 12:30 pm | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Watercooler, ZineCap

When Nads goes on break, I take over!! BWAHAHAHAH! I can do whatever I want! I’m in my undies watching youtube and laughing at idiots I don’t know. Yes, I do that every day, but it’s different when there’s no one to look at me sideways for it.

One of my fave things to do is to take a break from Housewives and Project Runway to mock my guilty pleasure trash magazines. The biggest, most fun waste of my time? People!! Let’s do this!

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A three legged dog, a fat woman who overcame cancer by injecting Frosties, and a fireman who extinguishes blazes with prayer.

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Finally! He’s had grandpa ears since he was five. A job he was born to do!

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Because if family tradition holds, her kid’s childhood will be the pits.

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Dear cars, please hit her. DWTS could use a new pointless voice.

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Internet porn works for any patient.

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She went to the hospital for morning sickness. Fucking princess. Oh. Wait.

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The fact that this article is the most read says a lot about our Country. None of it good.

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1. I hadn’t heard about this. I predict a giant forehead.

2. Has Britney’s vagina been dormant? Why is Danny DeVito in the gossip pages?

3. But William feeling like shit as People only likes to print pics of his balding head. RUDE

4. I’ve seen enough of Mario Lopez for one lifetime. Unless he’s shirtless, bugger off.

5. And the world wonders if he has a masturbation problem or if that’s just an old wive’s tale and jerking doesn’t cause baldness. If he goes blind in 2013, we’ll know for sure.

Check out my BS of the Day Gossip rants, and thanks for reading!

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

11 Comments

  1. 1
    Clair Clair
    Posted December 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Morning sickness sucks – and yes, I was hospitalized once for it. They had to get me back up over 100 pounds.

  2. 2
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted December 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    So will the baby be a prince/princess? I don’t understand this title stuff.

  3. 3
    Nads
    Posted December 6, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    I’m watching you!

  4. 4
    TurtleGirl93 TurtleGirl93
    Posted December 6, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    @Sag, yes the baby will be a prince or princess. S/he will be officially known as His/Her Royal Highness the Prince(ss) Insert-Name-Here. Charles is currently 1st in line for the throne, Wills is 2nd, and Wills’ child will be 3rd in line(bumping Harry to 4th place). However if the Queen chooses to bypass Charles, which has been rumored for years, the others will move up in ascendency. I believe Prince Andrew is after Harry, followed by his daughters, and then Princess Anne and her children. It’s all very confusing! (and sexist IMO because Anne is the oldest child of Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip. She should win the crown.)

  5. 5
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted December 6, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    “Grandpa ears since he was five” and “Fucking princess. Oh, wait.” had me ROLLING! I think I laughed at that way harder than I should have. You are my hero today. :)

  6. 6
    lestermaddox
    Posted December 6, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Actually TurtleGirl93 – Anne is younger than Charles, but older than Andrew and Edward (Charles was born in 1948 and Anne in 1950). Because of the former rules of male-preference primogeniture wherein the oldest male child takes the throne followed by any other male children and then any female children – Anne was 4th in line until her brothers had children. Currently it is Charles, then William, Harry (who will be bumped down by William’s children), Andrew, his daughters, Edward, his children, then Anne (I believe she is 10th or so) followed by her children and then it goes back to the late Princess Margaret’s line.

    The English Parliament is currently passing a bill that reads the oldest child of the current king/queen, regardless of sex, will inherit the throne meaning that if William and Kate have a girl first, she will be queen regardless of whether or not they have sons after her birth.

    Thus ends our British Monarchy lesson for the day.

  7. 7
    georgiababe
    Posted December 7, 2012 at 1:23 am

    The Queen cannot just choose to bypass Charles. Firstly, it doesn’t work that way. The eldest son gets the throne (first, anyway), that’s the way it has been for centuries. If the reigning monarch could just arbitrarily decide who gets the crown, then the history of the monarchy wouldn’t be what it is.

    Secondly, she doesn’t have the power anyway. She is just a figurehead, it is the English Parliament who decide these things, such as the bill that they passed previously which threw away the rule that monarchs must abdicate in order to marry someone who has been previously divorced (otherwise Charles couldn’t have married Camilla without abdicating) and the bill they recently passed which means that the throne passes to the oldest child, regardless of gender.

  8. 8
    georgiababe
    Posted December 7, 2012 at 1:35 am

    And the baby MAY be a prince or princess, but it is up to the Queen and the parents. (One of the only real powers she actually has is to bestow titles.) For example, Charles and Andrew’s children are princes and princesses (William, Harry, Beatrice and Eugenie). However, both Anne and Edward’s children are not. Anne chose not to bestow royal titles upon her children, so they are simply Peter and Zara Phillips (taking their father’s last name). Edward’s children, on the other hand, are called Lady Louise and James, Viscount Severn because those are the official titles of the children of an Earl, which Edward is. He and his wife chose to have their children’s titles reflect his status as an Earl. He is called Prince Edward because his mother is the queen, but his wife is not Princess Sophie because Edward is the Earl of Wessex (making Sophie a Countess), not the Prince of Wessex. Same reason why Fergie was Sarah, Duchess of York and not Princess Sarah – because Andrew was the Duke of York, not the Prince of York.

    Which is also why it’s technically incorrect to call Kate “Princess Catherine” because William is the Duke of Cambridge, not the Prince. Diana was called Princess of Wales because Charles was in fact the Prince of Wales, not a Duke or Earl or anything else.

    Kate’s official title is actually HRH Princess William Arthur Philip Louis, Duchess of Cambridge. Basically the same as being called Mrs. William Windsor. Should William later be named Prince of something, then her title will be changed to Catherine, Princess of ____ (known informally as Princess Catherine).

    It’s not automatic either, the Queen (and the Parliament too, I believe) has to approve. For example, Charles is the Prince of Wales, but Camilla is called the Duchess of Cornwall instead of the Princess of Wales because the palace felt it would be inappropriate, given their history, for Camilla to take Diana’s former title.

    Confusing, I know. I personally find it fascinating, but it’s rather a lot to keep straight.

  9. 9
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Well now…. I never expected a monarchy history lesson when I clicked on this post, but I’m glad I did! Thanks guys, I loved all this title analogy. It has always perplexed me.

  10. 10
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted December 9, 2012 at 7:33 am

    All this Prince and Princess and Lady and Lord and Duke and Duchess stuff is awfully elaborate for a family that’s really just on the dole.

  11. 11
    Danielle
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Another correction: Kate doesn’t have morning sickness, she has Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which is a rare disease of pregnancy that is very hard to treat and can be life threatening to both baby and Mama (I should know–I’m currently battling it now and I had it also with my first baby). It’s much more fun for some of the media to refer to it as MS because it makes for a better joke (“She went to the hospital for morning sickness. Fucking princess. Oh. Wait.”). It is marked mostly by the inability to eat or drink due to excessive and unrelenting vomiting (if you’ve had terrible food poisoning where you just puked your brains out for 24 hours, it’s a lot like that, except it lasts every day for at least the first 20 weeks). It’s a painful, depressing, and devastating disease. Thankfully mine got better after 6 months, although I still am sick. Just 4 more weeks of this shit to go!!!!

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