This episode was all about the new patients. Kari Anne proves herself to be a mean, spiteful brat that would probably screw over the devil himself for a pack of Newports. Tom, on the other hand, is the opposite. He's busy trying to charm everyone, including Dr. Drew. Who suffers because of this? You and me, in the case of Kari Anne, and Heidi, when it comes to the great Mr. Sizemore.

Prettiness.

Jennifer, you're owt. 

What's that you say? Self-made millionaires and their fabulously coifed wives have nothing to do with modeling? But the episode is called Hart to Hart, isn't it? Oh. Heart to Heart, my bad. 

Hey Gasmi, it's February, and you know what that means. The weather stinks, and you're broke from trying to buy your loved ones' affections over the holidays, all of which means it's time to start spending some serious time with the glass teat. Now we all have our favorite poisons when it comes to rotting our brains out, but for this particular waffleboy, you can never go wrong with a good solid crap movie that some programmer is playing over and over on le tube de boob. Today's movie has everything you need when looking for craptastic goodness, plenty of explosions, plenty of fisticuffs, HBO's been running it on a 20 minute loop lately, and just to make everyone feel way uncomfortable, Billy Crudup's amazing colossal blue CGI schlong. Yep, I'm talking about the 2009 release, Watchmen. So come on, times a wasting, make the jump and lets get to the good stuff.

Think about the classic TV shows throughout the ages. Seinfeld. Friends. The Simpsons. Now remember your favorite episodes. Without hesitation, you're able to answer "the clip show." Tonight, American Idol capitalizes on that love of things that have already happened and may not have been important enough to show previously to give you their most phoned-in show ever!

Also, I'm used to Flashforward, so I apologize if every minor detail is pulled apart in a search for hidden answers. And I cut my teeth on the timesuck monster that is America's Got Talent, so I'm also not used to an audition show that people actually care about. But forget about all that, it's Idol time!

This week on Lost, people we thought were dead are alive, people we thought were alive are kind of dead, Smokey gets homesick, the Losties check out the Temple of Doom, and we finally land at LAX.

Will we last forever? Do we fall apart? Sometimes, it's so confusing, these questions of the heart. You followed me through changes, and patiently, you'd wait. Til I came to my senses through some miracle of faaaaaate. I was living for a dream! Lovin' for a moment. Taking on the world--that was just my style...

Ahem.

Finally, we're at the end of this Launch My Line mess. The season started off with confusion and drama, with too many characters. Then as the interesting characters (but poor designers) were dropped, the show itself drooped. Finally, in time for the finale, the show came together into something meaningful and almost engaging!

What do you do when some crazy Botoxed cougar with a needle nose and death stare who's previously been a big ol' bitch to you comes back and supposedly wants a second chance? If you're Patti Stanger, you bitch up and down to anyone who will listen, give Botoxed bitch a thinly veiled sneer, do your best to hook a crazy up, and then kick her out of your "club" when you've lost all patience. Sounds about right! Also, a really cute rich boy needs help meeting women. AS IF. Hi, Millionaire Matchmaker!

***DIDDLY FLASHBACK MUSIC***

Samuel went from zero to hero among the carnies by staging a shootout and blaming it all on HRG. Everyone and their brother showed up there, right on time to see HRG get dragged in quite theatrically by Copy Boy. Oh, and Lydia bought the farm. One guest star down. Too bad it wasn't Gretchen, but there are still two episodes left. Sylar went out to LA (he can still fly, I think?) and begged Matt to take away his powers. I don't know that it's still begging if you threaten the guy's wife, but anyway. Matt agreed, but after taking away his powers, he used his Papa Parkman power and locked Sylar up alone in his head. Then he started to brick him up in his basement...

Edgar Allan Poe much?

...but Peter showed up to haul Sylar off to help rescue Emma from the carnival. One thing led to another, and now Peter is stuck in Sylar's head with Sylar, which pretty much hoses everything.

Which brings us to last night's Episode, entitled The Wall. Maybe it's The Wall in Parkman's basement. Maybe Claire don't need no education. Who knows. Anyway. On to the action! Peter is now stuck inside the Matrix in Sylar's head...

But does he know kung fu?

...for starters, this is last year's winner...

And no, that's not Carrie Prejean. I don't think. Anyhow, these girls may not have been so pretty, but they were a spirited bunch, and at one point (while we were watching a Cher impersonator whose dick was busily trying to pop out of her body stocking) Flipit leaned over to me and said "Hey, do you want to do a write up on the 2010 Miss America Pageant next weekend?" and I said, "Sure, it sounds like fu--" and then I got whopped in the eye when Cher's body stocking gave way. SO, come with me and let's see how the real girls do it compared to the "ladies" I'm used to dealing with after the jump!

On this weeks episode of taking the stage, we meet the new kids, re-unite with our old enemies, and learn that even MTV can't rig high school talent shows!

Hello beloved readers! Since you guys are my bestest cyber friends, I wanted to tell you the big news. I got engaged this week! My bachelorette days are over (almost). My Bachelor days, however, appear to be never ending. We've got another doozy tonight!

Tonight on The Bachelor the remaining ladies have been consolidated onto one of the RVs to coast into San Francisco at each others' throats. Did you know that Jake sending home four girls last week is really proving to Princess Tenley that he is dead serious about finding love? Mean Ali thinks she owns this leg of the journey since she lives in San Francisco. Jake tells us that next week are the Hometown Dates so this week he has to figure out whose parents he wants to meet. Meeting the parents takes the relationship to a whole new level, m'kay? Yes, especially a fake relationship that invades the parents' home with a camera crew of 25.

First of all, I just want to thank all of you who have been reading and/or commenting so far. You make the time spent trying to decipher Odrama's screeching or watching Emily/Ty define and undefine their non-relationship worth it. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one sitting here analyzing these fools. That being said, I've got to make this one a little shorter because after work on Friday I'll be heading to a place with no internet for the weekend (I know, I know, a land without internet? The myths you've heard are true, folks: it exists. Not even any cell service!) The bright side is you'll get to read this sooner, so this week's shenanigans will be much fresher in your minds.