TVgasm Recaps

The Ruins: Why Be Just Critical When You Can Be Hypocritical?

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:00:24 -0800

With Wus finally gone, I was hoping the Champions would get their act together and finally force the goons to prove themselves in the Ruins but no such luck. Fortunately, and sorry to ruin the suspense, most of the scapegoats will be gone by the end of this episode and some of these guys are going to have to step up. Dare I dream?

I think if I sit here long enough I can totally feel the hair growing back in this spot.

Heroes: Retcon Back Kotter

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 12:00:16 -0800

Tonight on Heroes, Charlie!! Um...you have something in your eye.

For the Love of Ray J: It's About Time!

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 08:00:23 -0800

Looks like my karma for all of those hours of voluntarily tickling homeless men has finally paid off because Ray J is back! So I totally tried to audition for this season but chickened out the night of the event. All of the castings were held at clubs and I didn't think my sweatpants and penny loafers would stand a chance against the foxy ladies of NYC. Those who can do; those who can't have to suffer through looking at this all season.

Tough job but somebody's gotta lick the TV screen.

The Hills: SINGLE WHITE FEMALE

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:47:47 -0800

I kill pets.

This week on the hills, Human Blow Up Doll has a birthday...what is it, 65?I can't tell by your skin, which is a thin layer of makeup-coated latex. Kristin and Blah dead get into a half-assed fight, and Justin eats curb. Oh yeah, and Bulimia is a stupid, stupid bitch. Did I miss anything? Probably not. Insert Troll and Trendy restaurant.

Project Runway: Poor People Are Losers

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:59:46 -0800

Tonight on Project Runway, some of the most beautiful art on Earth inspires a pile of crap you'll never remember. Well, at least this season's CONSISTENT.

Time to slaughter the donuts.

90210: It's [You &] Me Against The Music...Are You Ready?

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:00:12 -0800

This week on 90210, Mones resents having to watch this show instead of the series premiere of V. In other news, her cable reception was acting up and many scenes have no audio, are blacked out, fuzzy, or all three. FUN!

This probably would have been more interesting.

Mad Men: The End of the World

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:32:47 -0800

Shit? Meet Fan.

Hello, and welcome to the EXACT OPPOSITE of last week. I was so happy with everything after the last episode, so I kind of set myself up for it, but the stark, gut-wrenching sadness of this one bummed me out in an unpleasantly visceral way. The JFK-shaped shoe drops, finally, and everything starts to unravel. Duck and Peggy are still at it, and they win Best "Where Were You When..." Story. Pete and Trudy have become the realest couple on the whole show somehow while we weren't looking, and they sort of decide together how to deal with Pete's ever-weirdening position at Sterling Cooper. Roger's daughter gets married, and we watch him regain respect for his ex-wife while he comes to terms with the reality of his new one, but it's still Joan he calls when he needs real comfort. And then Betty breaks my heart.

The City: Girls Gone Mild

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:15:26 -0800

This week on The Shitty: Whit, Rox, and Sam head out to The Hamptons to party it up white-people-only-style; Olivia once again half-asses her job -- wait, that's not even accurate, she quarter-asses it -- and Erin once again has to pick up the slack. But this time, Zee is involved. And Erin pretty much sums up my feelings with this look:

Dancing With The Stars: What Else Can We Come Up With to Fill Two Whole Hours?

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:30:07 -0800

This week on Dancing With The Stars: In order to fill the two hours we're allotted with only 7 couples remaining, we're going to have a team dance competition!

Should have named them Team Douche-o and Team Wango.

Grey's Anatomy: The Diaper reflects the episode

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:00:23 -0800

Well it figures that after an awesome episode of Grey's Anatomy, we are followed by this crappy filler. I just don't understand why after such a killer episode we then get this one. I literally could recap this episode in about 3 paragraphs, but I'll give a bit more description than that. The one plus side of this episode?

It's monologued by this guy....

It's gonna take more than this head of hair to save this sinking ship, although it's a good start.

Gossip Girl: The Grandfather Part II...Getting the Party Started.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 06:00:27 -0800

Welcome back everyone! This week on Gossip Girl Vanessa takes us on an inside tour of the inner workings of a political campaign, we witness the dissolution of the "rock solid" friendship between Queen Bee and Sluterena, and it seems Chace Crawford has discovered how to give the audience an emotion other than "stoned". More after the jump!

"I call this my 'Contemplative' face."

DietTribe and the Case of the Drowning Women

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:27:29 -0800

Episode 5: Greatest Fears

Forgive me my trespasses, and also forgive me my delays. I've been in a booze and candy coma since the weekend, and those damn Phillies are keeping me glued to the television every night. Let's hope these bitches kick some ass this week to make up for my tardies. And I mean the DietTribers AND my Fightin' Phils.

Follow me!

Desperate Housewives: A Blanking Blankstorm of Blank

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:31:25 -0800

This week on Desperate Housewives: Cherry and Co. continue to want everyone to hate Katherine, and if this episode is any evidence, mission accomplished. Because she tries AGAIN to seduce Mike pretty much in front of Susan, then acts like a crazy cake-making ho toward Angie. But MIKE TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF! I know! Also, Tom cheats on a test and Lynette judges him for it. Gabby tries to home-school Juanita; and Bree and Karl have sex or a conversation or do the same crap they always do. Oh yeah, and Susan falls in something.

You're such a clutz, Suz!

Ugly Betty: The Return of a Good Episode!

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:43:12 -0800

Just when you thought it wasn't safe to watch Ugly Betty, they kick out an excellent episode! In fact, there was one scene where I actually laughed out loud. I know! The show is fighting it's way back to Thursday with an episode called "The Wiener, The Bun and the Boob." It's like Girls Gone Wild, ABC-Family Style.

Holy crap! It's Betty in male form!

Top Chef: Vegeterrorism

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:00:00 -0800

Hello and greetings and Happy Post-Halloween! I hope all of you had a great time, wore some fun costumes, and had some tasty candy. As many of you may be aware, Halloween = Gay Christmas so naturally I was in the middle of a great big gay bar party out in Scottsdale that puts on a huge show every year, and after we finished our PussyCat Dolls performance (where the pants on my costume kept threatening to fall down onstage) we were turned loose to ~~get drunk~~ make merry for the rest of the evening. I saw so many interesting things that I doubt you'd see anywhere else, such as a giant inflatable penis costume, or Balloon Boy and a Sarah Palin drag-queen getting into a fistfight, or the real kicker of the night, which was a guy in a black cowboy sex angel costume (I don't know how else to describe it) who started peeing on the ground directly behind me when I was sitting on the curb. Luckily I was able to grab one of the testicles of the inflatable penis costume and protect myself...

**...looks like Scar's Halloween costume was "Kelly Garrett" from Charlie's Angels...**

She looks rather uneasy in that picture, doesn't she? I wonder if one of those dishes she's glaring at so mistrustfully reminds her of wrinkly old writerdick (or maybe someone peed on the ground near her, too)? Either way, on tonight's episode of Top Chef we discover that Bravo is taking "going green" to the extreme and recycling the old "Celebrity Vegetarian Challenge" from this past season of Top Chef Masters, only instead of wacky Meg-Ryan-wannabe and horrible folk singer Zooey Deschanel we're stuck with serious Julia-Roberts-wannabe and the woman some feel is responsible for the destruction of the Star Wars saga, Natalie Portman. Initially I was kinda pissed, because I used all my best Vegetarian jokes in the TCM recap several weeks ago, but in all actuality this turned out to be one of my favorite episodes evah. Find out why after the jump!...