TVgasm Recaps

Amazing Race: Hit the Road, Crack!

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:17:11 -0800

Welcome back to Amazing Race everyone! The leg begins where we left off - Stockholm! Phil reminds us it's the birthplace of ABBA. OMG if they had an ABBA challenge that'd be AWESOME! Team BroMos would nail it.

THE HILLS: April Fools! I'm off birth control.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:00:42 -0800

This is what a no-carb diet and PMS looks like

This Hills episode, an extra dose of FUCKING APESHIT. Broahday, Kristin and Jayde all schedule lunchley meet and greets and get all up in each others' businesses. And, HBUD STILL wants a baby, and will stop at NOTHING to get what her hormonal, surgery-laden 23 year old self wants. Plus, did I mention lots of lunch dates? Yeah, there are.

90210: And I'll See Your True Colors Shining Through

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:30:23 -0800

This week on 90210, Jazz-Hands creeps out Harry and Becky, Matthews looks greasier than ever and both Naomi and Borianna are discovered to be lying jerks. In other news, the writers throw caution to the wind and just kinda ignore anything that happened in the original show.

Peace out, Jackie. I guess, I didn't know you at all...

Ugly Betty: Betty Goes Rogue! Within Her Comfort Zone!

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:17:11 -0800

On this falsely advertised as Betty-goes-bad-girl episode of Ugly Betty, we're begin our day at Casa de Nobody Works during breakfast. Betty comes into the dining room as Hilda woo-oohs that Betty got home late - at 10:30pm. I have to admit, I'm usually in bed before then, so it does sound late. Betty says some editors wanted to go out so she went with them. No wonder they called it an early night.

Wow. Fleshy.

Tabatha's Salon Takeover: Five crappy stylists, one jailbait owner and a tranny in a palm tree.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:02:25 -0800

Episode two of Tabatha's Salon Takeover brings Tabatha Coffey to Miami, Florida to meet with Pablo, owner of Allure Salon. Pablo is barely able to drink and but is on the brink of bankruptcy as owner of the Coconut Grove salon. Pablo took a job at the front desk of Allure out of high school, and worked there for a few years before he was offered the opportunity to buy. Whatever creep sold him the equivalent of a headless parakeet is now out of the picture and Pablo is left to shoulder the massive debt. It's time for Tabatha to intervene.

She'll find you there.

Fringe: Peter and Tyler's Excellent Adventure

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:00:34 -0800

Saying "Fringe opens with a bang" would be in poor taste, right?

In Queens, two NYPD squad cars streak up the twisty ramp of a parking structure. Sirens blare, tires squeal, the works. Two guys, both wearing suits, both looking sort of tough, stand on the roof in front of a nondescript sedan with a worried-looking teen boy in the backseat. A cop, Officer Gibson, gets out of his car, gun drawn, and orders the men to get on their knees. One of the men tells him he has no idea what he's dealing with. Gibson looks confused. He starts backing up to the edge of the parking structure. Another cop, Officer Williams, asks him what the hell he's doing. Gibson seems to be trying to resist -- he's sweaty and panicky and struggling -- but he just keeps backing up, until he backs right off the edge and falls to his death. Safety barriers, folks. They're a good thing. With the same look of terror-struck confusion, Officer Williams shoots the two remaining cops and then, horrified, puts the gun to her temple and pulls the trigger.

Three deaths by gunfire, one death by falling... No flesh-eating bacteria? No spinal cords getting ripped out? On the Fringe gore index, this barely registers.

DietTribe: Tick Tock, Don't Get Clocked in the Chin, Mary!

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0800

Welcome, welcome. We're thundering home to the conclusion of our 120-day DietTribe weight loss journey. But we have a few pitfalls left to stumble through before we get there. Namely, softball camp, resort restaurant dinner ordering, photo burning, and surfing lessons. Exciting--and random--times. The lesson today, though, is that their former selves were holding them back, and their current selves can rule the world! Suck it!

The Biggest Loser: The Thin Red Line

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:09:58 -0800

Dear Gasmii, My sincerest apologies for posting this recap of The Biggest Loser so late. You see, I had the flu over the weekend. So I was already experiencing enough intestinal grief without adding this show to the mix. Forgive me?

If not, then Jillian will kill you.

Styl'd: Herbie Strikes Again

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:00:24 -0800

Tonight on Styl'd, we don't get to see Tara go apeshit on Julie's personal belongings. Styl'd, I'm very very dis'pntd in you.

Real Housewives of Orange County: Karma Is A Bitch And So Are You

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:00:26 -0800

This week was pretty damn pathetic.
Don't get me wrong, I was entertained and I got a couple of good belly laughs out of it, but the loser factor of these women's lives has rocketed into the stratosphere. Once again I am simply amazed that they are so unselfaware that they allow their vile behavior to be filmed season after season, and a new one signed up for the same crap! What does this Alex Bellino chick think is going to happen? Is she expecting to miraculously get flattering editing? Did she send Miss Andy a case of Mouton Cadet and a lifetime of free veneers in exchange for the kid glove treatment? I mean please, Bravo does not hire housewives with 'couth' and 'tact.' They want the ones who think that that's the name of a new Irish pub in Newport Beach.

Desperate Housewives: Would You Like a Strangling With Your Coffee? No? Just Cream Then.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:38:45 -0800

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan does a little comm-serve time for, you know, shooting her neighbor (not that Katherine didn't deserve it, because we all know she TOTALLY did); Angie finds out Bree's secret; Gabby is still. Trying. To get. Juanita. Back in school. Please, Cherry, let's just end that soon, mmkay? And Lynette keeps trying to hide her pregnancy. Does it work? Wait and se -- okay, fine, it doesn't. And there's another strangling! But it's probably no one you care about.

The no one you care about strangler is on the loose!

Survivor: Lightning Strikes Twice

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:08:19 -0800

REMEMBER THIS FACE, FOR IT WILL SPELL YOUR DOOM, LAURA.

Top Chef: Fat Kid Goes To The Circus

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0800

Hi guys'n'gals'n'tranzys, and welcome back to our regularly scheduled season of clowns. I never thought I would miss these people so much until they were taken away from me and I had to look at five seasons worth of douchebitchery... not to mention watching Fabio in his apparent audition to become The Next Bertolli Chef™. It's the only thing I can think of to explain the inconsistency of his accent. As far as his hosting/interviewing skills are concerned, well, I don't think Larry King has anything to worry about. Or Jerry Springer for that matter. So, I think we all agree it was all a big snoozy sludgefest, and I don't blame you guys for feeling cheated, too. I did my best to dress it up and make it pretty, but as we all know, you can put a wig and lipstick on a turd, and somehow you still end up with Carrie Prejean...

...or a fat cocky smacktalking little fucker who still mooches off of Mommy & Daddy and styles his hair after a toilet bowl brush...

Whoa, do I sound annoyed? I guess I am a little, because there's a lot of stuff that made me scream "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!??!" at my TV in this episode of Top Chef, and most of those AYFKM moments are thanks to either Fat Kid, Bitter Jen, or 80's Hooker. Still, it was a little bit like coming home to see them all again, so grab a big bowl of pureéd popcorn (???) and join me after the jump...

For the Love of Ray J: Now with More Nudity

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 11:00:05 -0800

In the first three minutes of this week's show, Trouble is drinking before noon, Extra is on a manhunt trying to figure out who left cornflakes in the sink and then she reads the bible.

"I wonder how this book ends..."

Models of the Runway: Models have Moms!

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:00:41 -0800

And some who are younger than the models!

Moments before... the three Project Runway finalists received the non-surprise that they will have to design a 13th look for their collections at the very last minute! Our Models of the Runway - Delta, Cheetos and Kalyn - all react like they just saw a soap bubble popping.