TVgasm Recaps

True Blood: Stepping In Bull Stuff

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:30:18 -0800

Hey Gasmi, how's it going? How was your week? Do anything exciting, like get attacked by a minotaur, held hostage by vampires, agree to go to Dallas to get vampires to release your friend, go to bible camp where you dreamed about vampires, hung out at a wild Bacchanalian orgy, or maybe just went on a date with an under aged vampire who can't control her fangs? No? Well your life obviously isn't going to hold my attention for 60 minutes, now is it? (Don't feel bad, the only times my own life holds my attention for that period of time; it usually involves me interacting with shiny objects or string) Well, lucky for me the good people at HBO just put out a new episode of True Blood, so let's make the jump and talk about people much more interesting then you and I

Somebody needs a new driveway, now that's excitement

The Bachelorette: Earning Her Hometown Laurels

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 02:00:13 -0800

"Even when I'm thinking hard, I'm fun."

I'm trying to think, but it's hard because there is this constant high pitched squealing in my ear. I see a small brunette girl leaping around the TV screen like an epileptic bunny and I realize... it's time for another episode of The Bachelorette!

Real World Cancun: I Have a Boyfriend. Let's Dry Hump.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:16:34 -0800

Bienvenidos my cheesy enchiladas, ready to go back to Cancun for a long weekend?

I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat!

Big Brother Countdown Picture Contest!! SEVEN DAYS!!

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:02:02 -0800

TVgasm's favorite Summer crap fest begins next next Thursday on CBS, which means it's time for our Big Brother Countdown Picture Contest! Snap the most creative pic you can muster of a number between 1 and 7 and shoot it over to Flipit75@gmail.com with the subject BB PHOTO for a chance to win a glamorous TVgasm t-shirt or your choice of some sweet swag, like an entire season of Family Ties or Roseanne! Where else could you get such high class prizes for snapping a pic?

I will start off with my three favorite things: a morning Starbux, the Chenbot, and my computer.

Breakfast Botuccino

****More BB info after the jump!

Daisy of Love: Homeless No More!

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:45:01 -0800

You are supposed to drop a quarter or a buck (if you're feeling really generous) into their cup and walk away, not invite them to stay with you!

"Dude, can I borrow a cup of sugar AND A LIFE?!"

New York Goes To Work: Mama Said Knock You Out

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0800

Well Gasmi, it's finally here! Tonight is the season (and hopefully SERIES) finale of New York Goes To Work! WOO HOO!! I can't say I'm sorry to see this one end, I gotta tell ya, and the fact that they've decided the finale should be AN HOUR LONG and not feature a job to vote on is B-O-G-U-S.

They couldn't come up with anything better than this?!?

In order to prepare myself for this week's "job" I decided it would be a good idea to punch myself in the face over and over and over and over. Truth be told, I was hoping to give myself a concussion so that I could tell Flipit he needed to get someone else to write this. Sadly, a concussion doesn't appear to be valid excuse for not writing your recap. DAMN.

Top Chef Masters: Doan Tayill Mee Houw Too Koook!

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:00:00 -0800

Bienvenue, my fellow cuisine connoisseurs! You know, so far this show has kinda surprised me with it's almost total lack of outrageously hugantic ginormous egotistical assclowns, and I was beginning to think that I'd be reduced to making lame jokes about bad hair and croggily-wacked teefs on these pros... until tonight. Now, we can change "lame" into "lamé" (as in "gold") because I've finally been presented with a worthy targét to lambasté in my usual gauçhé manner! Çan you guéss his nationality? Non? Wéll, I don't want to furthér any çultural misçonçéptions...

**...but isn't it funny how it's the tatted-up greasy-looking French guy acting like everyone else smells bad...**

Kidding! Of course I know that the stereotype of French people arrogantly wafting about in a cloud of their own ripe bodyfunk and hating all things United Statesian is mostly (and unfairly) come by, and leads to us Americans making unfortunate decisions that the French could really give less of le deux shits about, such as whether or not to call a fast-food product they didn't even invent something stupid like "freedom fries". However, on tonight's episode of Top Chef Masters we are introduced to a Master who doesn't do a damned thing to dispel those stereotypes, and for zat I loff heem. Get ready to see some major buttwaddiness after the jump...

Real Housewives of New Jersey: A Correre E Cagare Ci Si Immerda I Garretti! (the literal translation is best)

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 06:00:09 -0800

Dear Gasmi,

This is it! Part two of the joyous reunion between the New Joisey housewives. It's also the longest infommercial evah for a book!

I think it's safe to say the Kevin Maher is doing something nice for Miss Thang...

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! And The Winner Is....

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 11:00:30 -0800

Yes folks it's finally here. The day we've all been waiting for. Who will be named King or Queen of the Jungle? Let's wade through the 58 minutes of commercials and rehashing and find out who wins I'm A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!

Wanna spank my monkey?

So You Think You Can Dance: Cuttin' Time

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 11:00:00 -0800

Cat's happy that we're getting closer and closer to the top ten for this season, but sad because we have to lose one more guy and one more girl. Poor Cat. These Thursdays really take their toll on her. I guess that explains her decision to fashion a pantsuit out of an old art deco couch. THIS Is So You Think You Can Dance (dance.....dance)!

The anemone print used to be very popular for couches and seat cushions

Fashion Show: Pooping on History

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 00:06:00 -0800

This week on Fashion Show, Eyesack gives someone a poison apple and they fall asleep FOREVAH!!!

America's Got Talent: I'm In Miami, Trick

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 23:00:18 -0800

Welcome back to another night of America's Got Talent, and Hopefully Another Susan Boyle. Tonight we resume our search for more talent, more terrible acts
that will be far more entertaining than the talented ones, and another moment to compete with the little kids singing "God Bless America" for Most
Nauseatingly Sweet Act. Fortunately, our crack team of judges and your favorite recapper are back to guide you through this harrowing process.
Unfortunately, we're stuck with another night of Nick Cannon, who once again is out to show us why the show is not called America's Hosts Got Talent.
Enough wandering intro, let's start the show!

So You Think You Can Dance: Doin' The Butt

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 12:12:18 -0800

Holla Gasmi! We all know the rocky road Cat has traveled with the costume department on this show, so imagine my surprise when I found out (shout out to qupert) that she has been dressing herself this season. Normally I'd think that was a step in the right direction, but after last week's red abomination, I'm a little frightened. This week Cat's decided to pay homage to Clash of the Titans.....

More lovely than Aphrodite herself

THIS. Is So You Think You Can Dance (dance........dance)!

Harper's Island: Splash: Blondes Have Less Fun

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 01:21:46 -0800

Hello Gasmii--

Tonight's episode is cram-packed with the two things we've come to expect from Harper's Island-- vicious murders and even more diabolical plotholes. It's like they realized how stretched-thin the last two shows were and are making up for that by stepping up the output on both bodies and nonsensical behavior. Plus there's personal growth. But no Purse-Dog. You can't have it all.

Real Housewives of New Jersey: If Only We Lived In Ohio

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 12:25:22 -0800

Dear Gasmi,

It's time to take the jump down the rabbit hole and enjoy the mind-bending bizarro world that occurs when the separate realities of five seriously insane housewives collide.

Make that six.