Dear Crabby,
Where can I see toddlers terrorizing teens?
-Couch Ass Groove
Dear Groove,
Once again, Baby Borrowers has all of your answers...and noxious defecation to boot!
We do a quick recap of the previous Baby Borrowers and as my friend's two year old niece sums up nicely: Blah, blah, blah. Get to the terrorizing!
We open on a bunch of skanky, smelly teens still sleeping in bed at 7:30am on a Sunday morning, or "Day 6 of the Experiment" as the announcer likes to taunt us. What do they have waiting for them? Toddlers! In strollers! On bikes! On...leashes? People, that demeans all of us. Unless, of course, there's a choke chain at the end of the leash. Then it's just flat-out funny.
This is not calm submissive! Where is the choke chain?
Arriving at Cory and "Momma Bear" Alicia's house bright and early is a mother with her child who is clearly OCD about ringing doorbells. You are dropping off a toddler first thing on a Sunday morning? I don't even mow the lawn on Sunday until noon! We see Alicea and Cory not waking up, and Alicea is wearing some tragic eye makeup while sleeping. Honey, you can do that now, but once you hit 30 you may consider some cold cream to get that off. "Ring it again," the mother says. She's gotta be enjoying that.
Alicea slithers out of bed as though she's surprised to waking up in a proper bed versus some anonymous bartender's sofa. She gets to the door, realizes humans are on the other side, and calls for Cory. Would you not want to at least have a cup of coffee before this, maybe even a shower? You have a clock, I bet it even comes with one of those new-fangled things called ALARMS. Look into setting it once in awhile.
Working mother Danica is handing over Isaiah to Cory and Alicea. Sweet Christ. Did she bring an extra bag of blood with him, you know, just in case? "The couple did not do well with Karson," the announcer says. Because Karson has better taste in parents? "They are hoping for a more positive experience this time." Then you might consider acting like adults, you'd be surprised how many problems that can solve, except on the freeways where we all become Neanderthals.
Isaiah is thinking, "Oh HELL no!" Danica is hoping the fact that Cory and Alicea can "try it before they buy it" will help them think twice about having kids too young. I'm guessing working mom may also need a couple days of quiet time so she can remember that she's human.
Get me the F#%$ outta this nuthouse!
Daton and Morgan will be burdened not once, but twice, with Lily and Colton, a.k.a. "Pain" and "Ass." Yes, they get two kids! Serves them right, although I'm not sure I'd leave two pieces of rotting fruit with them. Colton's birthday was a couple of days ago, so the parents are expecting Daton and Colton to throw him a birthday party. Look, I'm all about making the lives of teenagers hell, but a birthday party for a little kids after his birthday? That's just rude. And cheap on the part of the real parents. And the last party Dalton and Morgan two threw probably involved drinking bong water, and not out of sippy cups. I don't think. Well, I guess they'll be really good brownies between the kids games!
"He's starting to be potty trained, so he will take off his diaper and pee wherever," the mother says. This is precisely why I never attended frat parties in college. Her daughter laughs, probably because she's never had to clean it up. Morgan's face says, "Yeah, I think I'm out on the next plane." Amen, sister. And take a shower already.
"We're baaaaack," says...Etta's mom and dad! They are bringing already-frightened-to-her-inner-core Kelsey and good guy Sean back another one of their kids. Wonder if they are just shopping them around? I mean, their kids are pretty good looking, I bet they'd bring in a pretty good chunk of change if sold on the black market. Kelsey's face has a smile that secretly is saying, "Son of a bitch!" They are dropping off their son Ninja - no wait, Benjamin - nice annunciation, professional announcer!