TVgasm Archives

The New Year is only a few days away, and although I hope that all of you will be way too wasted (with a designated driver ready, of course) and/or in the arms of some cutie when we ring in 2007 to even care what is on television, we know it is our duty to make sure that you are prepared should you find yourself in your living room at 11:55 with nothing but cheap champagne (nothing says "I want a hangover tomorrow" like Andre Extra Dry!) , a restraining order and the agonizing choice between New Year's Rocking Eve on ABC with Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark and NBC's New Year's With Carson Daly on, uh, NBC, with, uh, Carson Daly. We've taken the time to decide what's important in a televised New Year's Presentation, sized up the competitors, and come up with completely arbitrary judgments as to how they'll affect your lives.

So, which celebration should you watch? Continue reading for our full breakdown.

Celebrity Host We All Wonder Might Join the Lance Bass All-Star Softball Team at Some Point	Ryan Seacrest	Carson Daly	Advantage NBC New Year's. Carson Daly was actually engaged to Tara Reid before we even questioned how much time Ryan spent keeping that stubble trimmed. Your move Seacrest.
Celebrity Romance Used to Throw Us Off The Scent:	Teri Hatcher, but we hear he has a new mistress this year.	Tara Reid, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Willa Ford, Christina Aguilera.	Advantage NBC New Year's: At one point, Tara Reid was in bad enough shape to bring the entirety of Carson's celebu-pelts down, but her lipo no longer looks like the San Joachim valley. Schwing Carson!
Celebrity Host We All Thought Would Be Ringing In the New Year with Gerald Ford By Now	Dick Clark	There's still time to call Don Rickles!	Advantage NYRE. Dick came back after the stroke, and has survived a year's worth of Parkinson's jokes. How can you not give it to him?
Past Television Experience	Dick Clark: American Bandstand, $10,000 Pyramid Ryan Seacrest: American Idol	TRL, Last Call With Carson Daly	Advantage NYRE. Once you had a driver's license did you ever really care who was on TRL? Have you ever watched Last Call for any reason other than it's on before that late-late-late Conan rerun?
History	35 years. The only things that last longer are J. Edgar Hoover and moon landing conspiracies.	Three years and counting! Hey, NBC will take what it can get.	Advantage NYRE. Other great things that started in December, 1971: Ricky Martin, Jared Leto, Dido, and Chasey Lain.
Hours of Distraction Before You Realize You Are Watching This Alone and Even Your Parents Have Gone To Sleep	One hour starting at 10PM EST, followed by the local news, followed by two and a half more rockin hours. In other words, plenty of time to get your "What if Ryan Seacrest had a stroke" impersonation down. (Oh come on. Don't deny you haven't thought of it!)	One hour starting at 11:30PM EST, but it does give you plenty of time to catch The George Michael Sports Machine.	Advantage NBC New Year's. Nothing is worse than being a little tipsy at 12:05 and ready to hookup, only to find that your guest of honor actually wants to see the performance happening at 1:30 AM. Even another bottle of Andre can't fix that.
Musical Guests Providing Entertainment Should the Music At Your Party Suck	Christina Aguilera, Fergie, Natasha Bedingfield, Meat Loaf, Rascal Flats, and the cast from "Jersey Boys"	Panic! At the Disco, Tommy Lee and Dave Navarro, and OK Go will show up, but we are not promised any actual performances.	Advantage NYRE. When you talk to the parents the next day, your discussion of how awesome Meat Loaf's performance the night before will be enough to fill up a good two, maybe three minutes. Surprised that you stayed on the phone so long before saying you have another call, your parents will know that you love them.
Famous British Actress Most Likely to be Caught Watching	Fergie sings about London Bridge. Helen Mirren has played three different Queens.	I hear Dame Judy Dench hits the treadmill every day. She was in Casino Royale, and Carson sometimes does his show in Vegas.	Advantage Push. I only did this category because I wanted to mention Casino Royale and that movie kicked ass. Perhaps if Hugh Jackman were here, he would help me decide between the two.
Just Imagine...	Brian Dunkelman telling everybody how he knew Dick Clark first.	People all over Los Angeles with talent like Carson Daly still manage to get paid.	Advantage NYRE. They both make you cry when you think about it, but only one is following laughter.