Hey gasmi, you know it's often said that the sign of great cinema is that it makes you think. It forces you to examine the world in a way you hadn't before, and if you ask me maybe great cinema needs to get all out of my grill and keep its irrational need for "thinking" to itself. I don't really like to think on my day off, hell I'm not fond of doing it at work when I'm getting paid. No, on a lazy Saturday, I need a movie who accepts me for who I am, and you know what? Crap movies do just that, and today's movie, the 2001 release, The Fast and The Furious, is like your mom making you a nice big pot of chicken soup after you boned an algebra midterm in high school. It's nothing but love baby. Just see for yourself after the jump.
Our movie starts with a truck being loaded at a pier full of all sorts of tasty electronic goodies, and some vaguely shifty looking longshoreman making a phone call. Later that night, the truck is driving down the freeway when three clown cars pull up behind it, and these aren't the good happy loving clown cars that we all cherish so much...look, does anyone have anything that even remotely resembles a positive feeling towards clowns any more? I know I don't, clowns are creepy, and as far as I'm concerned Barnum and Bailey should sack up and stop calling it "clown college" and go with the more accurate serial killer college. Wait, what was I talking about again? Was it something to do with the circus? No? Oh, the movie, right, thanks, you're the bestest!
Anyway, these evil clown cars show up and proceed to highjack our helpless, not bothering a soul big rig truck. Oh but it gets better, because the evil clown cars proceed to hijack the truck in the most overly complicated and most vaguely ridiculous way possible. How do they do it? Look, I don't want to spoil it for you, but let me just tell you it involves both crossbows, and tranquilizer darts, but not tranquilizer darts fired from crossbows because that would almost make sense.
(That being said this is good scene, as is just about any driving or chase scene in this movie. As for the parts of the movie with dialogue and emoting? Well, we'll get to those later.)
We cut to a new scene. The sun is coming up out by Dodger's stadium and our hero Brian Spilner (Paul Walker) is out in his own little clown car which he proceeds to drive really, really fast, and then jam on the brakes and come to a screeching halt.
What's that? This scene makes no sense? Hey, quit being so judgmental. I mean, The Fast and the Furious hasn't mentioned that yet again I am you are completely unprepared for swimsuit season has it? It's a two way street, okay?
Paul Walker goes off and gets some lunch, because after all the sun was just coming up 10 seconds ago. He goes to this little market where Mia Torretto (Jordana Brewster) makes him a tuna fish sandwich.
Now I just have to say this, because it needs to be said. Jordana Brewster is a very pretty young woman, but whoever was in charge of hair and makeup in this movie boned Fido something fierce. I can say this because Ms. Brewster is rocking a hairstyle that makes her forehead look only slightly smaller then mine (the perfect size for a Riverdance) and would I be a mean person if I pointed out her eyebrows look like they are about an 1/8th of an inch of being able to pull off "Hands across Jordana Brewster's forehead"? I am? Well too bad, sometimes we all have to deal with the truth and this time so does Jordana Brewster's forehead.
Paul Walker and Unibrow engage in a little light banter and then he reads his magazine. Okay, he looks at the pictures but they are in the magazine too. While Brian sounds out his words, we get an archetypical LA moment.
Four more little clown cars show up, and exactly four people get out of the cars. First we see Michelle Rodriguez, which means we can count some quality pouting in this movie, a little twitchy guy, a guy who will barely be in the rest of the movie, and last but not least a great big douche.
Comments (6)
I think your movie reviews are some of the funniest stuff on TVgasm. That's why I keep posting here.
Just love 'em.
1 of 6 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on June 22, 2009 8:23 PM
WaffleBoy, I LOVE your takes on these movies! I haven't even thought about this movie in a long long time, but you brought back the fun of it along with pointing out how ludicrous the whole thing was.
You've made me actually want to watch it again, which I never thought would happen!
I can't wait to see which movie you tackle next!
SWAK, PottyMouth
2 of 6 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on June 23, 2009 6:14 AM
I have only four words.
Be.
You.
Tea.
Full.
We must think of collaborating sometime, I think our combined powers could be quite formidable. Maybe we can go by the name WaffleMo?
Think about it.
love, J-Mo :)
3 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 23, 2009 2:00 PM
Your movie reviews are priceless. Absolute genius, I tell you! I demand more. They make my day when I randomly remember to check the news feed for them.
P.S. I liked this movie better when it was called Point Break.
4 of 6 | Posted by themiki | Posted on June 24, 2009 6:45 AM
Hi pixielated,
thanks for the compliment and the comments. Reader feedback is the only sort of payoff we get for writing here. Although Flipit recently mentioned if I started waxing his car I would be eligible for magic beans. (Note to self, google magic bean recipes online tonight)
PottyMouth,
a big swak right back to you. I'm glad you like the posts and if they make you think about giving these movies another peek, so much the better. I know what with me making snide comments about the sizes of actors noggins you might not be able to see it, but I really do enjoy every movie I write about. Thanks!
J-Mo,
you PHEEEEE-nominal human being you! Collaberating sounds like a lot of fun. I just have to find the time now, because I'm doing recaps for True Blood now too. But I will email you soon. Love right back buddy.
themiki,
Thanks for the complements and trust me as long as they keep letting me post these things I'll keep writing them. The last couple of weeks have been a total blast.
As for Point Break and The Fast and the Furious being the same movie, they are very, very similar except for one important difference. In The Fast and The Furious there are cars and in Point Break there are surfboards. Or to put it in a simple way that I can understand, The Fast and the Furious has wheels and Point Break doesn't. Still thanks for bringing up the comparison because I think I'm going to start referring to Paul Walker as the Blond Keanu from now on.
Thanks for stopping by!
5 of 6 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on June 25, 2009 7:17 PM
this movie was really cool and isn't crap at all. it's good because the car scenes aren't cgi. it's all real. the car really did go under the 18-wheeler while it was moving -- they just modified the truck so there was more room under it. and i play the video game too!
6 of 6 | Posted by gossipygirl | Posted on June 30, 2009 4:50 PM