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There are lots of ways you can spot a douche. A wife beater might give a guy away, or the generic tribal band tattoo he's sporting, or even the fact you can tell just by the bloating and look of confused rage in his eyes that he's about six weeks into a Dianabol cycle. Those are all good signs, and this guy is sporting all of them, but there is an even more important sign that this clown is a prince among douches. He's wearing the one leather wrist strap on his arm for no apparent reason, and once you see that strap all debate can be stopped. (For proof of this fun fact just check out any picture of K-Fed in 2005.)
Wristy McDouche wanders into the store and it turns out he's got a crush on unibrow too. He has words with Paul Walker which leads to the fisticuffs. Man if only there was someone in this movie who had experience as a bouncer. Da-Duh-DA! Vin Diesel to the rescue. Vin wanders out of the store and breaks up their little spat and tells Paul he doesn't want to see him around any more.
It's now later that night, and Paul Walker is at a big underground street racing thingie with his own little clown car. It turns out he's there for the big super secret drag race with the king of the streets, our boy Vinnie. Paul Walker gets in the drag race by betting his clown car and the race is on.
Paul Walker is in dead last, but to worry because he's got a super secret weapon, laughing gas. No, not for the screenwriter or the audience, it makes your car go super duper fast. So Paul Walker hits this button in his car and vroom!
Paul Walker's car goes shooting up past most of the other cars and he's getting closer and closer to Vin Diesel's car. He's just got one tiny problem. The little computer in his car that runs his laughing gas doohickey is telling him his car is about to start making with the hooie kablooie. How does Paul Walker deal with this news? The way any overly attractive person would handle the news. He knocks the screen down so he won't have to look at it and hits another button that uses even more laughing gas. Incidentally, this is reason number four why the winner of America's Next Top Model will never be allowed to operate the supercollider.
And for a little while it works. Paul Walker just about catches up with The Big VD and it looks like he might win. Too bad for him Vinnie has laughing gas too, and when Vin hits the button the last thing Paul Walker sees is the back of Vin's 45 pound head as Vin Diesel wins the race.
So not only is Paul Walker a big fat loser, he's got other problems. You remember his computer telling him he was going too fast and his clown car was about to explode? Well that wasn't an inanimate object's desperate cry for attention. PW's car starts falling apart. He's got rivets shooting all over the car (which is cool to watch), and eventually a big piece of the floor of the car drops off, and by the time he comes to a stop he's pretty much fried out the engine on his little clown car.
After the race everyone gathers around for Vin Diesel to give us his philosophy of life, but the cops show up and everyone has to haul ass to keep from going to jail. Vin Diesel gets away and parks his car, but the cops show up again to arrest Vinnie for walking down the street. (Apparently that's a crime in LA).
Luckily for Vin and the plot Paul Walker shows up and gives the big lug a ride in his little clown car. The cops make a fuss, but they are poop out of luck, because Paul Walker is able to outrun them in his car. What's that? How does a car that just burnt out its engine outrun police interceptors? Hey what's your problem? Why do you keep hassling this movie? I haven't seen The Fast and the Furious point out that I you just polished off an entire half gallon of Butterfinger ice cream in a 24 hour period. (14 servings per container my ever expanding ass! It's three, maybe four tops.) Just enjoy the movie, okay?
Comments (6)
I think your movie reviews are some of the funniest stuff on TVgasm. That's why I keep posting here.
Just love 'em.
1 of 6 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on June 22, 2009 8:23 PM
WaffleBoy, I LOVE your takes on these movies! I haven't even thought about this movie in a long long time, but you brought back the fun of it along with pointing out how ludicrous the whole thing was.
You've made me actually want to watch it again, which I never thought would happen!
I can't wait to see which movie you tackle next!
SWAK, PottyMouth
2 of 6 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on June 23, 2009 6:14 AM
I have only four words.
Be.
You.
Tea.
Full.
We must think of collaborating sometime, I think our combined powers could be quite formidable. Maybe we can go by the name WaffleMo?
Think about it.
love, J-Mo :)
3 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 23, 2009 2:00 PM
Your movie reviews are priceless. Absolute genius, I tell you! I demand more. They make my day when I randomly remember to check the news feed for them.
P.S. I liked this movie better when it was called Point Break.
4 of 6 | Posted by themiki | Posted on June 24, 2009 6:45 AM
Hi pixielated,
thanks for the compliment and the comments. Reader feedback is the only sort of payoff we get for writing here. Although Flipit recently mentioned if I started waxing his car I would be eligible for magic beans. (Note to self, google magic bean recipes online tonight)
PottyMouth,
a big swak right back to you. I'm glad you like the posts and if they make you think about giving these movies another peek, so much the better. I know what with me making snide comments about the sizes of actors noggins you might not be able to see it, but I really do enjoy every movie I write about. Thanks!
J-Mo,
you PHEEEEE-nominal human being you! Collaberating sounds like a lot of fun. I just have to find the time now, because I'm doing recaps for True Blood now too. But I will email you soon. Love right back buddy.
themiki,
Thanks for the complements and trust me as long as they keep letting me post these things I'll keep writing them. The last couple of weeks have been a total blast.
As for Point Break and The Fast and the Furious being the same movie, they are very, very similar except for one important difference. In The Fast and The Furious there are cars and in Point Break there are surfboards. Or to put it in a simple way that I can understand, The Fast and the Furious has wheels and Point Break doesn't. Still thanks for bringing up the comparison because I think I'm going to start referring to Paul Walker as the Blond Keanu from now on.
Thanks for stopping by!
5 of 6 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on June 25, 2009 7:17 PM
this movie was really cool and isn't crap at all. it's good because the car scenes aren't cgi. it's all real. the car really did go under the 18-wheeler while it was moving -- they just modified the truck so there was more room under it. and i play the video game too!
6 of 6 | Posted by gossipygirl | Posted on June 30, 2009 4:50 PM