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Hey! Do you like having boundaries of social issues pushed and tested? Do you like being forced to second-guess your own values? How about when things hit close to home and get a lot more complicated? Do you like the movie Crash? Grand Torino? Then you should feel honored, because this trailer was made especially for you.
You like to go to the movies and think about issues and get coffee at a bookstore afterwards to discuss themes. Way too good for Paul Blart: Mall Cop, right?
You’re so full of shit, and Hollywood has got you pegged. They’ve got your insecurities down and now they just have to reel you in with two and a half minutes of clips. They know you want to be seen as a smart person. You want a movie that’s says it’s about taboo subject matter, but is really about cops and guns and hot sex. Sure, this film has a few Mexicans in there making you question America and its policies, but there's also an Indian family, and Slumdog Millionaire is supposed to be good, right? It’s at least popular and kind of foreign. You saw that it was playing at the indie theater in the arts district as you passed it on your way to see My Morning Jacket in concert.
You go to thought-provoking movies so you can look down on others, but actually challenging movies like Syndoche New York make you feel stupid. Then you can feel comfortable and just watch this movie’s young sexy British (or possibly just British-ish) immigrant couple. You know how the issue of British immigration is so contentious and real in our country right now, it’s tearing families apart. Plus, the lady part of the couple has sex with Ray Liotta for a Green Card, dangerous yet hot, am I right, ladies? That's right, this film is for ladies too. Just check out the sexy Asian guys driving around in their expensive car clubbing with coiffed hair. That’s for the girls. Then the Asians are part of some robbery or heist or something. That’s for the guys. This is totally a couple movie!
Hey, maybe this movie really is good, but if you see this trailer and say to your significant other, “We should see that. It looks really good,” then you’re a douchey couple that is trying to act like better people than you actually are, and you should probably just go see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra instead, like you really want to anyway.
Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun Li Trailer (Film Opens February 27th)
This is a movie about ancient scrolls and hot Asian girls and militaristic cities. It's a movie about bad guys in whites suits and black guys who care.
Wait, a tick! No it's not, this movie is about kicking! It's about kicking and smashing dudes' ribcages. It's about more kicking and roundhouse kicking and being able to do a split in the air and kick two guys at once. It's about doing an awesome flip that turns out to be a kick to the chin. You can call it "The Strength of the Warrior" all you want gravely voice-over guy, I call it kicking. Kicking a gun out of a guy's hand in a dank warehouse, kicking in a sea of guys dressed in black. Oh man, there is so much kicking in this film! And then suddenly, it stops.
The pace is killed when the trailer, unexpectedly, becomes a lot less kick-focused. This is where it lost me. The movie turns from a kick-a-thon into people trying to find out what powers they have. I assumed, based on my studies from the first half of the trailer, their powers were kicking. I was wrong. So, her power isn't kicking? It’s being able to stop a sword between her palms and make it go all Matrix-rip off ripple effect. Lame. Okay fine, so she's found her power. Back to kicking, right?! Nope. Now she has to decide what to kick for. I thought this was Street Fighter. You kick because bored kids in a mall put in quarters and make you kick.
Comments (3)
I had a great time reading this, thanks! I don't usually watch movie trailers (hardly ever watch movies), but I might just start.
Be great to see what you could do with a realityTV recap....
1 of 3 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 20, 2009 12:08 AM
uh, you know that trailer review of F.U. was very amusing.
You didn't mention BOOBS once but wasn't the camera, at least, lingering on some BOOBS?
Yes, I agree with itchy. You need to recap a reality TV show. Uh, and if you don't like reality TV you need to find one that you like. Some very funny stuff, Mister.
2 of 3 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on February 20, 2009 5:17 PM
Okay, I just read that STREET FIGHTER review. I was laughing out loud at that one. I think you might be TOO GOOD for TVGASM. You should be writing books or movies or comedy for Conan or a TV SHOW (30 ROCK would be a good fit).
Good luck and remember us all when you're rolling in money.
3 of 3 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on February 20, 2009 5:34 PM