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On the ground, all Rambo has are a bow and arrows, and that great big honking knife he used to cut away all of his other stuff. (For the rest of the post we will refer to this knife as Rambo's mind.) Rambo makes his way to an old Buddhist temple where he hears someone scurrying around. Rambo grabs the scurrier and holds his mind up to the guy's throat. Only it turns out the scurrier isn't a guy, but a really hot Eurasian chick who is Rambo's contact for his mission. She tells Rambo her name is Co Ba and he seems surprised she is a woman. Seeing as Rambo just spoke to her in Vietnamese, I'm guessing her name translate into English as "Jacko".
Rambo puts his mind back in its sheaf and then he and Jacko head out to take some pictures.
It turns out they need to take a boat to the POW camp, and Jacko has hired some pirates to take them up river. Rambo doesn't think this is a good idea, and seeing as none of these guys are really into the whole hygiene thing, and that they keep hitting on Jacko I'm inclined to agree with him. Still, my mom always told me not to judge a book by its cover so we'll reserve judgment for a later date.
When they get to the camp it seems pretty deserted. Until all of a sudden this one guard steps out of the shadows, and then there are so many of them, if there were glow sticks present it would look like a militarized rave.
Rambo heads down for a closer look, even though Jacko thinks it's a bad idea. Rambo uses his mind to cut his way through a barb wire fence and heads into the camp. Finally Rambo gets to this cage all the way in the back of the camp, and jackpot! It's just packed with POW's. Well maybe not packed, but it's pretty full. Ok, there are maybe six guys in the cage, but they're Americans damn it!
There is one American tied up to post who Rambo cuts down and decides to take with him as a souvenir. The POW starts coughing in the middle of the camp. Actually the guy sounds like a one man TB ward, so for the rest of the movie we'll call him Coughy. Anyway, Coughy ends up making so much noise that Rambo has to use a bow and arrow to kill this one guard who's shining a spotlight on them, and then guts another guard with his mind on his way out of the camp. Rambo hooks up with Jacko and then he, her and Coughy head off to get another boat ride from the pirates.
After a while the camp guards start finding dead bodies all over the camp and realize somebody has stolen one of their war criminals. They get a big commie posse together and head out to get him back.
Meanwhile on the boat, the pirates double cross Rambo and Jacko so they can turn them into the bad guys for money. Don't judge a book by its cover? Wrong again, mom. From now on, I'm cover judging, especially when it comes to pirates.
Rambo, kills a couple of the pirates with these little knifes he has in his belt, and then uses a shotgun to kill the other 18 pirates on the boat. Right then a commie patrol boat shows up and starts shooting the crap out of the pirate boat. Rambo has Jacko and Coughy jump off and swim for shore, while he uses a bazooka to blow up the patrol boat. The flaming wreckage of the patrol boat is going to crash into the pirate boat, but before Rambo can jump off the last pirate on the boat loops a garrote around Rambo's neck and starts strangling him. Rambo pulls out his mind and stabs the guy through the roof of the boat with it. Boy it's a good thing Rambo has the kind of razor sharp mind that can pierce corrugated steel. Rambo jumps off the boat at the last second and swims for shore right before the two boats collide and make a big fireball.
Finally, when they are almost to the rendezvous point, Rambo tells Jacko she can take off. Jacko tells Rambo he's dreamy and when he tries to smile his face almost cracks.
Right after Jacko takes off the Vietnamese show up, and boy are they pissed. They start dropping mortar rounds on Rambo and Coughy. OK, they never actually hit them, but they explode close by Rambo, and it looks really cool.
Comments (5)
"That's right even waterfalls burst into flames in Vietnam, this is why it's Smokey the Bear's least favorite country."
"Sad Moments in Vietnamese Fire Prevention History"
ROFL!
You're hilarious, WaffleBoy!
1 of 5 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on June 14, 2009 1:43 PM
I enjoyed it waffleboy.
2 of 5 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on June 14, 2009 5:39 PM
In some ways, this movie, in all its cheesey glory, was great. In others, it made me laugh out loud.
For example, the one POW who Rambo rescues was strung up on a makeshift cross, like a Vietnam War era Christ...so the implication is even Christ needs to be saved by Rambo. Between that and Rambo's orgasmic shooting of the hi-tech equipment at the end of the movie...brilliant. Or something.
Nice recap :)
3 of 5 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on June 14, 2009 8:18 PM
You know, I'm so glad someone finally noticed the "dress-like-a-hooker, outwit thousands" connection. I guess those Rock Of Love girls are craftier than we all thought, huh?
I have never seen this because just looking at Sly makes me feel oily, but now I think I'll have to check it out. Plus it makes me feel like more of a man to know Sly is probably shorter than I am.
Awesome job, LOVED it!
love, J-Mo :)
4 of 5 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 15, 2009 11:01 AM
Pixilated, it's good to hear you liked those jokes. I'll let you in on a little secret, I like them both a lot too. (Is it okay to admit stuff like that?) Oh and the best or worst part about "sad Moments in Vietnamese Fire Prevention History" is that list could have gone on for two solidi pages. I think everything up to the coke machine was flammable in this movie
Mr Dangerous, Glad to hear you liked it.
Cattyfan, that's an interesting take you have on the movie. I've never thought of it quiet that way before. Although come to think of it I would have gone to see The Passion of Christ if there had been a few more fireballs. Thanks for stopping by.
J-Mo, You PHEEE-nominal human being you. Don't ask me why more people aren't aware of the power of dressing like a hooker when the chips are down, I mean the evidence is there for everyone to see. The only thing is I think the key is that you only dress that way when it's really important, otherwise you end up on the Rock of Love Bus, "being there" for Brett.
5 of 5 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on June 20, 2009 10:25 PM