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Sly is walking through the jungle when he just happens to run into the commie who killed Jacko. Too bad for the commie his gun jams. And double too bad for him because Sly blows him to hooie kablooie with one of those exploding arrows, which is kind of cool. Well for you and me, for the commie, not so much.
Now at this point you might have noticed that Sly has killed him a mess of lefties. So many that the Republicans could probably win a mid term election around here now, is the movie over yet? Oh hell to the no.
The big commie goon in the wife beater shows up in a helicopter with a big napalm bomb and starts chasing Sly. Sly takes a swan dive off of a waterfall right as the napalm bomb hits causing a super humungous fireball. That's right even waterfalls burst into flames in Vietnam, this is why it's Smokey the Bear's least favorite country.
Big commie goon has the pilot bring the helicopter down to the water so they can make sure Sly is dead. Guess what? He's not! Sly jumps about four feet straight out of the river and hops in the helicopter. This is how he and the big commie goon are able to wrestle around in a helicopter flying over the jungle.
It's a pretty good fight. Sly and the goon have a good hug, but the big commie goon is just too gosh darn big and is about to shove him out of the helicopter when Sly pulls the old toss the bad guy out first move. Man that one never gets old.
Now that big chief commie goon is splattered all over the jungle, Sly whips out his mind and all set to stab the pilot, so the pilot just jumps out of the helicopter. Luckily for the plot Sly can fly helicopters. He's notso hotso at speaking in complete sentences, but he can fly the poop out of helicopters.
Sly flies back to the POW camp and he shoots the poop out of it. There are dead commies and fireballs as far as the eye can see. Fun fact, when the Ruskies first show up there are maybe twelve of them, but by the end of the movie Sly has killed a couple of hundred of the dirty lefties. It's like the miracle of the loaves and fishes gone horribly wrong. Anyway, Sly lands and rescues all the POW's this time and gets all set to fly back to the base.
Too bad for him (but great for the plot) Sourpusski shows up in this big ass commie helicopter and starts shooting the poop out of Sly's helicopter. As a matter of fact eventually Sourpusski shoot a missile at Sly and after the smoke clears Sly's helicopter is on the ground and looks like it's out of action. Sourpusski brings his helicopter in for a closer look and to gloat, because dirty commies are all about the gloating. Too bad for Sourpusski, Sly outsmarts him (insert your own cheap joke here) and blows him up with a bazooka.
Sly flies back to the base camp and everyone is happy to hear he's bringing our POW's back. Well everybody except Murdock. He goes to find a nice quiet room to soil himself in. Sly lands the helicopter grabs a machine gun and heads out to give a big howdy to Murdock, but first he shoots the poop out of all the computers in the radio room.
Oh Sly, don't hate computers, they're our friends. Why without a computer I never would have found out that even though you tell everyone you're 5'10", Academy Award winning screenwriter, William Goldman swears up and down you're 5'7" on your tiptoes. Well they're my friends anyway.
Sly finally finds Murdock and it looks like Sly is going to stab him with his mind, but instead he shoves it about four inches into the table Murdock is laying on. Then Sly tells Murdock he better go get the rest of our POW"s, or Sly will cram his mind where the sun don't shine.
Colonel Troutman runs into Sly outside which gives Sly the perfect chance to almost cry one more last time and say he just wants America to love him as much as he loves it. (You know I just realized, if Torch Song Trilogy had a few more fireballs, this could be the same movie.) Then Sly literally walks off into the sunset, and I can totally see what William Goldman is talking about. The End.
Comments (5)
"That's right even waterfalls burst into flames in Vietnam, this is why it's Smokey the Bear's least favorite country."
"Sad Moments in Vietnamese Fire Prevention History"
ROFL!
You're hilarious, WaffleBoy!
1 of 5 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on June 14, 2009 1:43 PM
I enjoyed it waffleboy.
2 of 5 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on June 14, 2009 5:39 PM
In some ways, this movie, in all its cheesey glory, was great. In others, it made me laugh out loud.
For example, the one POW who Rambo rescues was strung up on a makeshift cross, like a Vietnam War era Christ...so the implication is even Christ needs to be saved by Rambo. Between that and Rambo's orgasmic shooting of the hi-tech equipment at the end of the movie...brilliant. Or something.
Nice recap :)
3 of 5 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on June 14, 2009 8:18 PM
You know, I'm so glad someone finally noticed the "dress-like-a-hooker, outwit thousands" connection. I guess those Rock Of Love girls are craftier than we all thought, huh?
I have never seen this because just looking at Sly makes me feel oily, but now I think I'll have to check it out. Plus it makes me feel like more of a man to know Sly is probably shorter than I am.
Awesome job, LOVED it!
love, J-Mo :)
4 of 5 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 15, 2009 11:01 AM
Pixilated, it's good to hear you liked those jokes. I'll let you in on a little secret, I like them both a lot too. (Is it okay to admit stuff like that?) Oh and the best or worst part about "sad Moments in Vietnamese Fire Prevention History" is that list could have gone on for two solidi pages. I think everything up to the coke machine was flammable in this movie
Mr Dangerous, Glad to hear you liked it.
Cattyfan, that's an interesting take you have on the movie. I've never thought of it quiet that way before. Although come to think of it I would have gone to see The Passion of Christ if there had been a few more fireballs. Thanks for stopping by.
J-Mo, You PHEEE-nominal human being you. Don't ask me why more people aren't aware of the power of dressing like a hooker when the chips are down, I mean the evidence is there for everyone to see. The only thing is I think the key is that you only dress that way when it's really important, otherwise you end up on the Rock of Love Bus, "being there" for Brett.
5 of 5 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on June 20, 2009 10:25 PM