Hi guys, good to be back, and thanks to everyone at Moviegasm for allowing me to spend time talking about the kind of quality crap movies I always end up watching on the weekend instead of cleaning my apartment.
I know it sounds strange now, but before the Oscar nomination, before he was the proud owner of the largest collection of fat suits in North America (narrowly edging out Tyra Banks), even before he began running his late night shuttle service for transvestite hookers, Eddie Murphy was cool. What can I say? It didn't take much to entertain people in the 1980's (Hence the Joe Piscepo craze). So come back with me to a simpler time, when all you needed for 96 minutes of quality crap entertainment was a guy whose catch phrase was "I'm Buckwheat," several loony tuned eyed bad guys, a guy who you can literally smell the scotch working its way through his pores, and a truck load of racial epitaphs. Yep, today our movie is the 1982 release, 48 Hrs.
Our movie starts with horses running free in the California countryside, as convicts shovel gravel on a train track for no apparent purpose.... Look, this movie took a little while to get going so lets cut to the chase. Did you ever see Predator? Remember the big Indian guy with the crazy eyes? Well, he helps this white guy with even crazier eyes escape from a chain gang and then they go to San Francisco, kill an Asian guy on a bench and then head to a hotel to get some hookers. Man don't you hate when people do the typical touristy things?
Meanwhile a boozy police detective, Nick Nolte, is having a big fight with his girl friend, and oh, the girl friend is Annette O'Toole. Fun fact, Annette O'Toole was one of the top five Hollywood actresses who helped me get through puberty. Ok, maybe that was more of a creepy fact then a fun fact, but hate me, not Annette, ok?
Anyway Nick and Annette's relationship is struggling and for the life of me I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Nick is rocking a body shape in this movie where he looks like he swallowed a beer truck, and his voice sounds just like John Daly's breath would sound. You know if really bad booze breath had a voice. Was I reaching a little too much on that joke? Sorry, it will probably happen again.
Anyway Nick fills up his hip flask, straps on a big ass magnum, and hops in his bombed out caddy and heads out to make San Francisco a safer place. How California did not slide into the sea in 1982 is still a complete mystery to me.
Nick wanders around town until he finds two other cops who are going to bust someone for using a stolen credit card. Nick wants to help out, but seeing as he looks like he's got a blood alcohol level of about "why aren't you dead?" the other cops aren't to keen let him join in their reindeer games. However they do decide to let Nick hang out in the lobby, because what's the worse that could happen?
Well apparently the two guys with crazy eyes being upstairs, and shooting both of the non-staring role cops is the worst that could happen. Oh wait did I say that? Because Nick Nolte gets the drop on the bad guy with crazy eyes. No, not the crazy eyed Indian from Predator, the other guy with crazy eyes. This guy is wearing a mesh wife beater, but in 1983 we called it a tank top because we didn't know any better.
So things are looking pretty good because Nicky has caught the bad guy. Hmmm we could be looking at a 10 minute movie here today. I might actually not be able to blow off cleaning my bathroom until tomorrow. No, because one the cops who got shot upstairs comes down into the lobby and the bad guys get the drop on him. Crazy Eyed Guy In The Wife Beater gets Nick Nolte to give him his gun and then shoots the other cop. He shoots at Nicky, misses, and then escapes with crazy eyed buddy.
