Hey Gasmii, welcome back to another week at Trashback. We have a lovely little movie for you...You know what? I can't stand little things. Little dogs poop everywhere, as do little kids now that I think about it. Little bosses seem hell bent on punishing their normal sized employees for their own inability to reach the top shelf, and "little" problems on tax audits are always the ones that get your rump nailed to the wall. Little sucks, little blows, and that's why this waffleboy loves big. Do you love big? Of course you do, you're an American, you can't help it. Incidentally, being an American is also why you do crappier on tests then Europeans, prefer jeans that are super duper extra relaxed, and thanks to that diet that got you into those super duper extra relaxed jeans you are probably going to die of a stroke that could take out Godzilla. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh right, little bad, big good. Thanks you're the bestest, and might I add those jeans look great on you?
Yeah, screw little right where it breathes! We're not going to talk about a little movie today, oh hell no; it's going to be a big movie! And not only that, but it's going to be a big movie that not only requires zero thinking on our part, but actually repels intelligent thought just by having it in to your home. Yeah, our movie is going to be big and dumb, because let's face it; you can't get any more American then that. So rustle yourself up a big bowl of popcorn, a jumbo bag of candy, and the new official drink of Trashback, a Big Gulp, and get ready for 145 minutes of big dumb crap in the 1996 release, Independence Day after the jump.
Our movie starts on the moon, which we invented, discovered, got to first. Everything is pretty low key, because let's face it, it's the freaking moon. At least until something casts an huge ominous shadow over our flag, plaque, and some crap we let behind the last time we stopped by for a visit. What could cause such a terrible event? Is it a meteor about to slam into the world while a crappy Areosmith song plays in the background? No, that's another movie. It turns out it's this ginormous alien space ship and it's headed straight for America, okay and the rest of the world too.
The next thing we see are some bigassed radio dish thingamajigs in the desert, so we know we're in America. How do we know that? Weren't you paying attention? I said they big, bigassed actually, and they don't have bigger asses anywhere then here in the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Anyway, a bunch of very brainy type people are just about peeing their pants because they hear some static on their radio thingamajig, which is proof of other intelligent life in the universe. Although, seeing as in 1996 The most popular song on the Billboard Top 100 was The Macerena, I think you could make an argument for dropping the word "other" from that last sentence. Everyone is pretty excited right up until they realize this radio signal is coming from the moon, and then they all get a "huh, what, who?" look on their faces. They then get on the phone to the Pentagon, without the words "moon men" ever entering the conversation.
Over at the Pentagon, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs shows up to see what all the hub-bub is about. The Chairman is played by Robert Loggia and all I am going to say about his performance in this movie is that his voice is so gravelly that he must have gone on a diet of pea gravel for six months before they started filming.
Robert Loggia's first question is to make sure the big dealee isn't a meteor, because he doesn't want to hear an Areosmith power ballad either. A smart guy (translation, wearing glasses) tells him no, it's not a meteor because it's slowing down, which makes it a ginormous alien space ship. Robert Loggia promptly gets on the phone and calls the Secretary of Defense.
Comments (2)
Ugh, this is so embarrassing, but David Caruso wasn't in Sliver. He was in Jade. Sorry it was late and I got my Joe Eszterhas hack jobs confused. I will now go and deal with this shame in the appropriate manner, by eating an entire quart of Butterfinger ice cream in one sitting. It's a little known fact, but shame is a highly under appreciated emotion.
1 of 2 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on July 19, 2009 9:50 AM
Oh waffleboy09! I need to write myself a note that reminds me not to read your trashbacks while I am in public. I ended up doing a weird snort-laugh-choking thing that had people giving me looks like I was nutso. And not one time either. SEVERAL.
The David Caruso thing had me puzzling 'cause I didn't remember him being in that movie, and then I got to your comment and there went another snortle-cough-choke. LMAO!
LOVE the recap! Can't wait to see what you pick next!
SWAK, PottyMouth
2 of 2 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 20, 2009 10:21 AM