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After Christopher Lambert's eyes roll back down and he stops hovering, he hides his bad ass samurai sword and hauls ass in his car out of the garage. Too bad the cops show up, and he gets arrested for fashion crimes taken downtown for questioning.

We cut to a flashback. Actually there are about 75 flashbacks in this part of the movie, and they work pretty good, but I'm going to combine them all together to keep you from getting confused. Okay, to keep me from getting confused. Sorry, I get by on my looks.

Anyway, it's 1536 in Scotland and everyone has turned out to watch Christopher Lambert and a bunch of other guys march off to fight some other guys. This shows you just what people had to do for entertainment before cable. Christopher Lambert's girlfriend shows up and makes a big deal out of how everyone has to take care of CL because she luuuuvvvvs him so much.

The battle starts and Christopher Lambert gets a headache like he got at the wrestling match when he sees this huge guy on a horse with lightening shooting off around him. Everyone is having a great time in the battle hacking each other to bits. Well everyone but Christopher Lambert because no one will fight him. At first CL wonders if the reason no one will fight him is because he has BO, but he realizes this is Scotland and everyone has BO.

It turns out the reason no one will fight with Christopher Lambert is that the big guy on the horse who gave him a migraine turns out to be this guy called The Kurgan (Clancy Brown) has a deal where he'll fight in the battle but only if he gets to kill Christopher Lambert. So Chris survives his hygiene scare. Sadly he doesn't survive The Kurgan who turns him into his own personal shish kabob.

The Kurgan is all set to cut off CL's head muttering "there can be only one," but the battle starts going against his side and he has to leave. He tells Christopher Lambert they'll meet again, which is kind of strange thing to say to a dead guy.

We cut to the next scene and Christopher Lambert's body is in this hut and he is dead, dead, poke-him-with-a-stick-he-doesn't-move-dead. C's friends and girlfriend are all pretty broke up about this, especially Chris's girlfriend because she luuuvvs him just so darn much.

Everyone goes to another hut to morn the dead (translation, get blotto) and they are pretty freaked out when Christopher Lambert shows up. Personally I think if someone pulls a Lazarus act for happy hour, it might be time for an intervention, and Chrissie's friends think so too. Well actually they think Christopher Lambert is a witch and want to burn him at the stake.

Granted rising from the dead is a little strange, but you know what else is strange? How someone living in 16th century Scotland named Connor MacLeod could speak with an almost impenetrable French accent, that's a little odd in my book, but CL's friends and family don't seem to have a problem with it. They do have a problem with the idea of him being in Satan's calling circle and get all set to turn Christopher Lambert into a human smore.

Luckily for the rest of the movie, Christopher Lambert's cousin steps in and decides to banish Chrissie instead of toasting him on a spit. Christopher Lambert's girlfriend, the one who luuuved him so much? She's about as happy with this plan as the family cat is with a bubble bath. She wants him dead, dead, dead, and generally carries on like Christopher Lambert showed up on their anniversary with a dust buster for her present. (I would like to take this time to point out that I didn't get that particular ex-girlfriend a Dust Buster. It was a Dust Buster Plus, with attachments for cleaning my her car.)

Luckily for Christopher Lambert, his cousin must have gone the Dust Buster route too because he gets banished to wander the world for the rest of his days never to return.

We cut back to the present day (okay, the 1985 present day when this movie was shot), and the cops are going over the crime scene. Well there sending out for coffee and Danish, but they are doing it at the crime scene which has to count for something, right?

Just then plucky forensic scientist Brenda Wyatt (Roxanne Hart) shows up and starts making with state of the art 1985 CSI procedures.

Posted in Moviegasm by WaffleBoy at 4:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: waffleboy09 on Jun 8, 2009 08:23 PM.