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If you even flipped the channel over CBS you've seen one of about a squidgillion CSI shows, and you probably have an idea what a crime technician should do when gathering evidence. You're probably guessing that she takes pictures, dust for prints and scoops up every loose microbe she can. Hey, slow down there cowboy. This is 1985. She starts looking under parked cars. (Apparently if CSI had been on in 1985 there would have been an episode entitled "Finding My Keys")

Anyway, She looks under a car and finds Pervy Spy's sword, which is lucky, because she just so happens to be an expert on swords so she is able to identify it as a Toledo Salamanca, an antique sword worth about a million bucks. The other cops are pretty excited and head back to the station to carry out a 1985 state of the art police interrogation.

Judging by what we see in this movie a 1985 state of the art interrogation involved smacking someone around, asking them if they were gay, and finishing the suspect off by asking the prep if he did it. Christopher Lambert's answers are in the following order: ow, maybe if we go someplace nice for dinner and there's dancing later, and nope not this Frenchman, err Scotsman.

You know after checking out state of the art from 1985, I've got to say I'm confused. I was around in 1985 and I don't remember everyone living in caves. Well the cops are stumped and have to turn Christopher Lambert loose.

Meanwhile PFSBW (plucky forensic scientist Brenda Wyatt) gets some results from tests on Pervy Spy's body and she can't believe the results, so she goes back to the crime scene. When she gets there she has a metal detector to look for sword fragments and maybe any spare change because being a plucky forensic scientist didn't pay that much in 1985. It just so happens that Christopher Lambert is at the garage too. He came back to pick up his bad ass samurai sword and makes some noise leaving the building.

PFSBW squeaks out a "who's there?" You know if this move took place in 2009 and David Caruso heard a noise, he'd whip off his sunglasses and say something that would annoy the ever loving shit out of me. God I miss 1985.

PFSBW handles this scare by going to the nearest bar and getting a Big Gulp of cognac, and guess who happens to show up right after her? What? No not Mr. T, Jesus you're not even trying. It's our old friend Christopher Lambert. He stops in for a scotch, because he's Scottish (stop laughing), and to ask PFBSW if he can walk her home. PFSBW takes a pass because the last thing she needs is some creepy French, I mean Scottish, a totally 100% hoot man Scottish creep hitting on her. Seeing as she sucked down her cognac in less time then it takes to win a gold medal in the 50 meter dash, she walks out of the bar.

Next we see Christopher Lambert walking down the street, but he ducks in an ally, and who should be coming behind him in hot pursuit, but good old PFBSW. She's in full on Nancy Drew mode, an acme of detecting skills, and yet still manages to be totally shocked when Chrissie pulls her into the ally.

She gets kind of bent out of shape when Christopher Lambert tells her it's dangerous and she needs to go home, and he's right because just then The Kurgan shows up with his big ass sword and starts swinging on CL like he's a piñata and the Kurgan is jonsing for Chiclets.

What happens next isn't really a sword fight because Christopher Lambert doesn't have a sword. It's more an extended guy trying not to get chopped up into itty bitty pieces scene, but it works for me. Mainly because The Kurgan is dressed in what is supposed to be sort of a punk heavy metal outfit, but it comes off more like he's an extra from the Love is Battlefield video who wandered off the set.

Just when it looks like The Kurgan is about to start making with the decapitating and give us a nice 30 minute movie, a NYPD helicopter shows up and shines a spotlight on him and Christopher Lambert. The Kurgan runs away and the guy in the helicopter responds by yelling, "Hey, come back!" It's just my opinion but this scene gives us at least a couple of clues as to why crime was so high in New York City in the 80's.

Posted in Moviegasm by WaffleBoy at 4:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: waffleboy09 on Jun 8, 2009 08:23 PM.