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Christopher Lambert sees The Kurgan run away and he does too. Because that's how it starts, first they're running away, and then they're smoking but not getting cancer because they're immortal, and then the next thing you now they're cutting each others' heads off. Well, only here they started with decapitation and work backwards. Not that that matters, because Christopher Lambert has to get home to catch up on his flashbacking.
We're back in Scotland and it's a few years later and Christopher Lambert is living in this big sort of castle place with his wife Heather who is a big step up over his Dust Buster hating first girlfriend. He and Heather are perfectly content and well on they're way to happily ever after. All of this comes to a crashing halt when Sean Connery shows up dressed like Magic Don Juan's cousin and tries to get the plot moving forward again.
I just have to say Connery is good in this movie (as he pretty much always is), but he does make it hard to enjoy the movie. You see usually by this time in the movie I can accept how Christopher Lambert talks, but when Sean Connery shows up and I hear an actual Scottish accent, the fact that Chrissie is painfully French comes crashing down on me all over again. Anyway it's not the worst thing in the world, and the producers are going to do a couple of other dumb things to distract my attention in the next five minutes so I can live with it.
It turns out Sean Connery is Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez , only that's not his real name which is good because it would be really silly for Sean Connery to play a Spanish guy. Yeah, it turns out Sean Connery is actually a 2400 year old Egyptian. Egyptian? It is right at this point that it becomes official that the screenwriter is f*ing with us, big time.
Anyway, Sean Connery tells Christopher Lambert that he is an Immortal and Sean Connery is here to teach him all the important Immortal type stuff he needs to know. Why? Dude, he's 2400 years old and it's the 16th century. There is no jumble, no Larry King and no early bird dinner specials, what else is there for a senior to do?
We get a nice long stretch of movie where SC teaches CL how to sword fight and fills him in on all the important stuff he needs to now. Christopher Lambert is an immortal being called an Immortal and one day all the immortals are all going to gather together for The Gathering and the last guy who doesn't get his head cut off gets a super special secret surprise.
Immortals are called Immortals, and a gathering is called The Gathering? Hmmmm, I'm guessing you don't need a 1600 on your SAT's to get your Immortal card.
Sean Connery also tells Christopher Lambert he should leave Heather even though she'd never burn him at the stake for bringing home a Dust Buster Plus, because she's going to get all wrinkly and old and drop dead on Christopher Lambert. Oh and just to totally harsh on Chrissie's mellow, SC lets him know they can't have kids because apparently Immortals' sperms don't swim so good. Well this is pretty sucky news, guess it couldn't get any worse, right?
Wrong-o. One night while Christopher Lambert is away doing something that will keep the plot moving, The Kurgan breaks into CL's castle type place and has a big sword fight with Sean Connery. Sean Connery cuts The Kurgan's throat, but because he's immortal this just makes him cranky. This is a good sword fight. How good? Good enough to tear down the building. Although I have to say judging by this castle type place I don't think the Scottish building code is all that strict, mainly because Styrofoam rocks and boards seem to be acceptable building materials over there.
Finally, after a lot of sparks flying off the swords and some witty banter by Sean Connery; The Kurgan cuts off his head and we get to watch the lightening and leavating bit for The Kurgan. Then he decides to celebrate and performs various nasties on Heather because Sean Connery told him she was with him.
Christopher Lambert comes home and he and Heather pack up and leave, which makes perfect sense. I mean the building is a pile of rubble, so there is no way they are getting their cleaning deposit back now.
Comments (6)
Prit, gorge and brill! I just might have to rent this one for my next bad movie night, I've seen it so many years ago, and I always thought that CL was just mildly retarded, but now I know he just acted that way cuz he's French.
love to you!
love, J-Mo :)
1 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 8, 2009 9:07 AM
J-Mo -- it's on heavy rotation on AMC.
Almost every time I go into the bathroom to wash my hair, I yell out "There can be only ONE!" and my guy replies, "Again?!?!"
2 of 6 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on June 8, 2009 11:33 AM
WaffleBoy, I absolutely LOVE this movie!! And I loved this recap. You were so dead on about the stupidness of this movie and idea. And yet it is AWESOME. How did that happen? It's one of the great mysteries of life.
Can't wait to see what cheesy movie you take on next.
SWAK, PottyMouth
3 of 6 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on June 8, 2009 12:14 PM
Yea J-Mo, you PHEEE-nominal human being you! Glad to hear you liked the post, and this is a fun one to watch with friends, I highly recommend it. You made a very common mistake concerning Christopher Lambert. It's not that he's too dumb to do the jumble, he just talks like he's got a mouth full of mothballs. It's a subtle difference, but it is there, trust me. Hey, cut the dude some slack, he's from out of town.
Love right back at you J-Mo!
4 of 6 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on June 8, 2009 6:45 PM
Wow DMG, you quote this movie? Let me know your favorite color and I'll pass it on to your guy. Someone of your caliber deserves the bestest dust buster there is for their birthday.
Thanks for stopping by
5 of 6 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on June 8, 2009 6:52 PM
Hi PottyMouth,
yep, this is a fun one that's for sure. this is one of those movies that when I find it on TV while I flipping channels, it makes me feel like I found five dollars in a pair of pants. It's not going to change your life, but it just makes you feel good.
As to why it can be so good and so dumb at the same time? Well, sword fights are cool, decapitations are cool, Sean Connery is cool, and Christopher Lambert is...I mentioned the sword fights, right? By the way, I'm only teasing Christopher Lambert because he doesn't know where I live.
Anyway, I've got a movie picked out for this week and I hope you guys like it as much as I do.
Thanks for stopping by!
6 of 6 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on June 8, 2009 8:23 PM