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When Christopher Lambert gets out of Church he finds out not only did The Kurgan rape his wife all those years ago, but he kidnapped PFSBW just to make sure he had Chrissie's complete attention. Well he's got it, because Christopher Lambert hauls ass to the building where The Kurgan has PFSBW chained to this big neon sign on the roof.

The fight starts and it's a great one. CL and The Kurgan whack that big neon sign into itty bitty pieces and there are more sparks and mayhem then you could find in an entire Kiss tour. Finally the two guys fall though a skylight and fight in this big empty warehouse. It's a pretty good fight, but Christopher Lambert really just isn't in The Kurgan's league and he ends up on the floor about to get his head cut off, and right at the final moment, Donk!

PFSBW conks The Kurgan on the head with a handy piece of pipe. It doesn't really hurt him, but it gets the big lug's attention and he gets all set to cut her head off, but when he swings his big ass broadsword Chrissie blocks it with his bad ass samurai sword. Christopher Lambert then says something cool to PFSBW and opens up the big can of Le Whoopass for his big buddy The Kurgan.

(You know after giving Christopher Lambert a Cloverfield sized ration of shit in this movie I really do have to admit he has a natural charisma that most actors would kill for and he did a really good job in this movie. I just really wish he hadn't talked like Maurice Chevalier. Okay, done, back to the mocking!)

Chrissie and The Kurgan start fighting again, but now it's all CL. He cuts The Kurgan about three times and then they have that one last charge at each other where they both swing and it looks like they both missed. Only while The Kurgan is smiling his head falls off his neck. Man I hate when that happens. Then his body vomits out all this special effects lightening and state of the art 1985 animation which surrounds Christopher Lambert and lifts him like eight feet off the floor. Not only that but Christopher Lambert is screaming that he knows everything and is everything. (Fun fact, take away the special effects lightening and the animation, and this is the exact way Kanye West starts every morning.) Finally he collapses to the floor and PFSBW comes over and gives him a hug for winning the big decapitation contest.

For the final scene we cut to Christopher Lambert going home, to Paris Scotland. He and PFSBW are sitting in a field and he's explaining to her and us just exactly what the big prize was that he won. He knows what every living thing in the world is thinking and feeling and he can use this to make the world a better place. Oh and he can now have kids and grow old. Oh and have a tract house with two mortgages on it, and have to drive a minivan because it's sensible and get to deal with the fact that some day his prostate is going to swell up to the size of a bagel, and...wait, refresh my memory what was the prize for 2nd place again? Anyway he and PFSBW kiss, The End.

There you have it 116 minutes full of important life lessons. Like how even though Dust Busters are very practical and useful they maybe aren't your first gift choice for every occasion. Or that men who dress like pimps often have valuable tips on your chosen profession, even when it doesn't involve being a pimp. And most importantly, that any issues concerning common sense and even simple logic can be overcome with decapitations and lightening. If you haven't seen this movie, you should and if you haven't seen it in awhile you might want to check it out again.

Posted in Moviegasm by WaffleBoy at 4:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: waffleboy09 on Jun 8, 2009 08:23 PM.