Well another week has rolled around, and that means it's time to take a look at another crap movie near and dear to my heart [Release the doves], and I've got to tell you I'm pretty excited about this one. Not only do we have all the things that make for a quality crap experience, explosions, senseless violence, peppy yet moronic catch phrases, and boobs, boobs, boobs, but all of this fudge brownie awesome comes courtesy of a story written by one of the all time great science fiction authors, Phillip K Dick.
I'm about to fly my nerd flag, so apologies in advance, but Phillip K Dick is one of the smartest, most intelligent writers of speculative fiction the world has ever seen. So, I guess it came as no real surprise to anyone that in 1990 when they made today's movie, Total Recall, Hollywood called on the one actor in Hollywood who was cerebral enough to deal with a story about the fickle nature of reality, Arnold Schwarzenegger...oooohhhhh boy, this just got real awkward, didn't it? Well no matter, because we still have violence, explosions, catch phrases and boobs, boobs, boobs, so make the jump and see what the inside of Arnold's mind looks like.
Our movie starts on Mars. At least I think it's Mars, everything is red so it must be Mars. Well either that or the color is messed up on my TV. [Smacks side of TV] Nope, it's Mars all right.
Anyway, our boy Arnold and some chick in a space suit are sharing a moment holding hands, and taking a little walk on the surface of Mars. Incidentally, any outing that requires both parties to wear space suits and have no direct physical contact is an approved Jonas Brothers first date.
Everything is just peachy, right up until the ground crumbles under his feet and Arnie ends up going ass over biceps down the side of this cliff. In the midst of doing 45 somersaults, Arnie breaks the face plate on his space suit. He ends up choking and gasping for air, and his eyes start really bugging out of his head, kind of like my boss's did when I put that one report in the shredder instead of the copier.
Then Arnie wakes up in bed. Yes, it was all a dream. Whew, that was a close one. I mean think about it, the Governor dating one of the Jonas Brothers? Ewwwwww! But luckily, it was just a dream, a very, very inappropriate dream. Oh, and just for the record, Arnie is Douglas Quaid in this movie, a boring run of the mill guy, with a 50 inch chest and 22 inch biceps.
Arnold's wife calms him down, and oh my god, it's Sharon Stone! Wow, I forgot just how hot Sharon Stone looked in 1990. Well, hot and bitchy, as opposed to the 2009 Sharon Stone, who still looks surprisingly hot, riddled with botox, and nuttier then a fruitcake baked by Tom Cruise.
Sharon Stone tells Arnie it was all a dream, and then she and Arnold do it because this is an R rated action movie, which means sex and violence.
After Arnold and Sharon Stone's morning nookie break, Arnold is fixing breakfast and watching the news. It's all about Mars. The poop has apparently hit the fan. Rebels, rumors of alien artifacts, mysterious rebel leaders, and people getting shot right on camera, it's a freaking mess. The head bigwig on Mars, Vilos Cohaagen (Ronny Cox) appears on camera, and tells the reporters, the rebellion is no big deal, there are no alien artifacts, and the Mars' government is not oppressing anyone, and if they keep saying that Ronny Cox will have them arrested. Hmmm, I'm going to go out on a limb and say Ronnie isn't a morning person.
After hearing this cheery news, Arnold tells Sharon Stone they should move to Mars. It's too bad it's not in the movie, because I would have loved to see Arnold's character house shopping and the look on the realtor's face when Arnold asked to look at homes that were on fire.
Sharon Stone points out for 40th time in the last five minutes that Mars is total poophole, and Arnold needs to go to work so he can come home and they can have sex again. Then they'll plan a sex vacation to Saturn, watch sex TV, have sex dinner, and do the sex sudoku in the paper. I'm really starting to think Sharon Stone needs a hobby, and no, sex does not count.
Comments (4)
"Arnie and Michael Ironside? You know I'm starting to think Sharon Stone is a bit of a Lucy Loose Labia in this movie."
AND self-esteem issues!
BTW, now that you're a big shot over there on the TV side doin' recaps and all, just remember, when you are comparing two things, it is THAN not THEN.
Love you and your recaps.
1 of 4 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on June 29, 2009 10:09 PM
AHHHH, Waffleboy this movie was considered such a MINDFUCK when it first came out! Strange how badly it has aged, but I still love to see people's faces exploding.
Two things I have to tell you... One: Prissy Doctor Guy... I ran into him back in 1999 when I lived in L.A. Big ol' queen.
Two: Three Boobed Hooker's name is Lycia Naff and she was actually a lead dancer on the TV series "Fame" (and even had a featured role playing Danny Amatullo's girlfriend in an episode about racial tensions). BTW, she does not really have three boobs. I don't think.
Awesome job, loved this moviegasm.
love, J-Mo :)
2 of 4 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 30, 2009 11:15 AM
Waffleboy, loved it again! This is another one that I haven't thought of in so long, but loved it when I first saw it!
I love the movies that you pick out each week, and I'm always excited to see what you'll talk about next.
Oh, and picking your nose can save your life? LMFAO. Love love love your work.
SWAK, PottyMouth
3 of 4 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 1, 2009 7:54 PM
Hey pixielated, thanks for the tip. Sorry I got a little behind schedule last week and the proof reading process boiled down to "are there vowels in all the words?" I'll try to do better this week.
J-Mo, you pheee-nominal human being you. You know while I was watching this one I was thinking for a 20 year old movie it didn't look that bad. okay, aside from a future where everyone drove around in golf carts.
Thanks for the info on Lycia Naff. One of the things I love about old movies is spotting people who were on TV at the time, or people who hit it big later on. Kind of like the way I love the fact Forest Whitaker is in Blood Sport.
PottyMouth,
A big swak right back for you too. The movie selection process over here at apartmento de waffleboy is pretty casual. It can range from stumbling across a movie on cable, to in this week's case pulling the movie up on Netflicks because I hadn't seen it in years either. It's about the level of organization you'd except from someone who is easily fascinated by shiny objects and string.
4 of 4 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on July 4, 2009 6:11 AM