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The Evil Future Cox wants Arnie taken alive, which pisses off Michael Ironside to no end; because even the Goon with Glasses knows Arnie's been banging Sharon Stone like a drum for the last few months. Michael Ironside decides to ignore The Evil Future Cox and kill Arnie anyway. Not smart Michael Ironside, I can tell you from personal experience that trying to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger when boss tells you not to is the difference between a 2% raise and a 4% raise come performance review time.
Arnie goes across town, and gets a hotel room, because what with getting his brain re-wiped, snuffing the BFF, having his balls hammered on by Sharon Stone and being chased all over town by a bunch of secret agents dudes, he needs a little sleepy time. Arnie is just about ready to have an in depth chat with Mister Sandman when he gets a phone call. Arnie flips on his future type TV phone, and finds himself talking to some extra with a mullet and a Magnum P.I. mustache. The hairy extra explains that he and Arnie are old friends and he has a suitcase for Arnie that Arnie told him to give to Arnie before Arnie got his memory wiped.
I know this sounds pretty confusing, but trust me, you look a lot less confused right now, then when Arnold got this phone call in the movie.
Hairy Extra tells Arnie he's got a tracking device in his brain and he needs to wrap a wet towel around his head so Michael Ironside and the smart goon can't find him. After Arnie makes himself a new hat, the extra tells him to come outside and pick up his suitcase.
Arnold picks up his suitcase, but isn't all that cut and dry, because first he almost gets in a fight with an old lady over the suitcase, and then Michael Ironside and the GWG (Goon With Glasses) show up and start shooting the poop out of everything. However, Arnold gets away for what is either third or the 47th time in the movie (I had a hard time keeping track after awhile) by highjacking one of those automated cabs and zipping out of the scene.
Arnold abandons his stolen cab at a deserted factory. Well the brakes go out and he has to jump out before it plows into a wall and makes a pretty satisfactory fireball for a golf cart.
This works out good for Michael Ironside because the GWG tells him a golf cart, cab just exploded over by an abandoned factory and it was probably being driven by a former Mr. Universe. What? How does he know all that? I told you already, he wears glasses. He's real, real smart. Didn't you learn anything watching 9 Revenge of the Nerds movies? Wait, I watched 9 Revenge of the Nerds movies, but it doesn't matter, because it's common knowledge that poor eyesight = a high IQ.
Anyway Michael Ironside rustles up a car and a mess of bad guys and heads on over to see about opening up a little whoopass on his good buddy Arnold.
Meanwhile, over at the deserted factory Arnold opens up the suitcase he sent himself. Inside, is some money, fake ID's, a pointy thingamajig, a wristwatch dealy that makes a holographic Arnold, and a little TV with a message Arnold sent himself.
Arnold tells himself that back on Mars he's a super duper secret agent, and he's found out all sorts of bad things about The Evil Future Cox. This is why The Evil Future Cox wiped Arnie's brain and dumped on Earth. TV Arnold tells Arnie that now Arnie needs to go back to Mars, and get in touch with the rebels so they can bring down The Evil Future Cox. Wow, it all sounds so simple when Arnold explains it. It must be the thick Austrian accent.
There is just one thing Arnie has to do before he can go back to Mars. He has to get that pesky tracking device out of his head. TV Arnold tells Arnie to shove the pointy thingamajig up his nose and it will pull it out. Arnie shoves the pointy thingamajig up his nose, and damn! I can't believe how big that tracking device is; it looks like an everlasting gobstopper.
Anyway, Arnold gets the tracking device out just in time and ducks out right as Michael Ironside shows up with a jillion bad guys who can't track Arnold anymore. See, nobody likes to admit it, but sometimes picking your nose can save your life.
Comments (4)
"Arnie and Michael Ironside? You know I'm starting to think Sharon Stone is a bit of a Lucy Loose Labia in this movie."
AND self-esteem issues!
BTW, now that you're a big shot over there on the TV side doin' recaps and all, just remember, when you are comparing two things, it is THAN not THEN.
Love you and your recaps.
1 of 4 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on June 29, 2009 10:09 PM
AHHHH, Waffleboy this movie was considered such a MINDFUCK when it first came out! Strange how badly it has aged, but I still love to see people's faces exploding.
Two things I have to tell you... One: Prissy Doctor Guy... I ran into him back in 1999 when I lived in L.A. Big ol' queen.
Two: Three Boobed Hooker's name is Lycia Naff and she was actually a lead dancer on the TV series "Fame" (and even had a featured role playing Danny Amatullo's girlfriend in an episode about racial tensions). BTW, she does not really have three boobs. I don't think.
Awesome job, loved this moviegasm.
love, J-Mo :)
2 of 4 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 30, 2009 11:15 AM
Waffleboy, loved it again! This is another one that I haven't thought of in so long, but loved it when I first saw it!
I love the movies that you pick out each week, and I'm always excited to see what you'll talk about next.
Oh, and picking your nose can save your life? LMFAO. Love love love your work.
SWAK, PottyMouth
3 of 4 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 1, 2009 7:54 PM
Hey pixielated, thanks for the tip. Sorry I got a little behind schedule last week and the proof reading process boiled down to "are there vowels in all the words?" I'll try to do better this week.
J-Mo, you pheee-nominal human being you. You know while I was watching this one I was thinking for a 20 year old movie it didn't look that bad. okay, aside from a future where everyone drove around in golf carts.
Thanks for the info on Lycia Naff. One of the things I love about old movies is spotting people who were on TV at the time, or people who hit it big later on. Kind of like the way I love the fact Forest Whitaker is in Blood Sport.
PottyMouth,
A big swak right back for you too. The movie selection process over here at apartmento de waffleboy is pretty casual. It can range from stumbling across a movie on cable, to in this week's case pulling the movie up on Netflicks because I hadn't seen it in years either. It's about the level of organization you'd except from someone who is easily fascinated by shiny objects and string.
4 of 4 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on July 4, 2009 6:11 AM