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The next thing you know, we're back on Mars, and Michael Ironside gets met at the gate by a guy dressed as the world's angriest girl scout. The Angriest Girl Scout is giving Michael Ironside a whole mess of grief for letting Arnold get away, and in short is warming him up for his meeting with The Evil Future Cox.

Michael Ironside is telling angriest Girl Scout to cram it, when he notices this very big boned woman in customs who seems to be wigging out. Now say what you will about Michael Ironside in this movie, he is a pretty decent secret agent guy, so he knows right away that lady with the Rosie build isn't a lady; it's a retired world class bodybuilder! He tells all the nearest goons to get Arnie, and they all get in a semi-circle around him but nobody touches him because I guess they are worried about getting big boned gal cooties.

The big boned lady/Arnie pulls this big whatjamacallit out of his ear, and it turns out that lady is Arnie after all. Good call Michael Ironside! Arnie tosses his fake lady head to the nearest goon, and because this is the future when the goon catches it, the fake lady head tells him he's in for a big surprise, and then KABLOOIE! It blows up and knocks down a mess of goons. This scene tells you just how big of a star Arnold was in 1990. Even his mask got its own catch phrase.

Arnie ducks out of the room as Michael Ironside blazes away at Arnie but misses him. However what he doesn't miss is the big window, which it turns out isn't a window, it's a dome. A dome that keeps the atmosphere inside for people to breath, because otherwise their eyes would pop out of their heads like they were on a date with the Jonas Brothers. A few people get sucked out of the room, and by the time everything gets settled down, Arnie is long gone.

Arnie heads for this hotel TV Arnold told him to go to and it turns out he left himself a flyer for sleazy bar with a note to ask for Melina. Arnie heads right out, because when you get your brain wiped and you send yourself a TV message to go back to a sleazy bar and talk to some chick you just do it. It's just common sense.

Arnie has to take a cab to sleazy bar and he gets to meet Benny the cab driver. Benny is one of those if-you're-in-my-cab-you're-my bestest-buddy-ever cab drivers. If I was riding with Benny, I'd tattoo my hand over my wallet, but Arnie seems to get along with him. Oh well, to each his own, I always say.

They drive over to the sleazy bar and Arnie gets to check out all the local Martians. Everyone looks like they spent about an hour in a makeup chair before shooting, because they did, because The Evil Future Cox built cheap domes a long time ago that didn't keep out the cosmic rays. So everyone looks like they wandered away from a sideshow tent. Of course everyone is psychic so it makes ordering in restaurants a lot quicker for everyone involved.

Arnie gets to the sleazy bar and asks for Melina. At first the bartender is all she's really busy why don't you talk to this girl instead, and this is where Arnold meets the three boobed hooker.

Here's a fun fact. Pretty much every straight American male between the ages of 30 and 50 has probably had at least one in depth serious conversation with their buddies as to whether they would do it with the three boobed Total Recall hooker. Oh and ladies, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if your husband/boyfriend/significant other is in this age group there is a 86.7% chance he answered yes to that question.

Anyway Arnie doesn't want to spend time with the three boobed hooker, probably because he's going to be waiting for another six months for his balls to drop after that last night he spent with Sharon Stone. The bar tender brings Melina over, and it turns out she was the girl Arnold was going on his Jonas Brother's date with at the beginning of the movie.

Posted in Moviegasm by WaffleBoy at 6:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: waffleboy09 on Jul 4, 2009 06:11 AM.