Granted for a guy his age, Arnold doesn't look that bad, and the truth be told he not only looks better then I'm going to at that that age, but you could make an argument that he looks better then I do at my current age. Still I think after looking at this photo we can all agree the world would be a better place if Arnie retired his mankini.

I was pretty down in the dumps when I got this photo, because it was just a sad reminder that time is marching on for all of us, even high ranking republicans who pumped themselves full of steroids. Still the one great thing about the age we live in is thanks to DVD's we can go back to a happier time. A time when we could grease Arnold down with baby oil, dress him not only in a mankini, but a series of outlandish headbands and make a totally awesome action movie. Of course I'm talking about the 1982 release, Conan the Barbarian.

If awesome was a color, then Conan the Barbarian would be neon awesome. If awesome was the same as bringing it, then Conan the Barbarian would be the greatest high school cheerleading squad in the history of mankind. If awesome was a fried food, then Conan the Barbarian would be awesome with ranch dressing.

I love this movie Oprah. I love it, love it, love it! [You couldn't see it, but I was jumping up and down on the couch while I typed that last sentence.] I'm giving this movie the coveted "Waffleboy09's pick for best movie to watch after a 60 hour work week when you just want to watch your governor decapitate people."

Some action movies have a good story, others have dynamite action sequences and some are just so goofily bad you can't help but watch them. Conan the Barbarian is one of the few movies I know of that not only has all three of the above mentioned traits, but they are all usually happening on the screen at the same time.

Our movie starts with Conan as a little kid. His dad is that drunken Ruskie from Red Dawn, whose nose is pretty red in this movie too, but they live in the mountains so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt. We also meet Conan's mom, and by the hammer of Thor she's hot.

Anyway, Conan's dad spends the opening credits making this super bad ass sword and telling little Conan about "the enigma of steel." (Note, for the rest of the movie Arnold will call it "the riddle of steel." Why? Because if Arnold tried to say enigma it would be so unintentionally funny that your television would spontaneously combust.)
Life is pretty good. Daddy Conan is getting his blacksmithing career off and running, Momma Conan is wandering around in a tight leather dress has probably already inspired one of the village's teen aged boys to invent masturbation, and little Conan is learning to ice fish. What could possibly go wrong?

Cue the scary music and the bad guys. A whole bunch of mounted baddies burn Conan's village to the ground, and kill his dad. Conan's mom has a sword and Conan and she's holding off Ben Davidson and some Swedish bodybuilder when the head bad guy, Thulsa Doom, shows up. It's James Earl Jones and boy is he scary. He's wearing this black leather armor, that gives him the same build as Marlon Brando in The Isle of Doctor Moreau, has blue eyes and shoulder length straight hair that is parted smack down the middle of his head. (I would have loved to seen the stylist's face when Jimmy sat down in the chair, handed her a picture of Marcia Brady and said; "make me look like her.")
James Earl Jones makes these sad puppy eyes at Conan's mom until she is hypnotized and lowers her sword. James Earl Jones starts to turn around, and then spins back and boop! We have the movie's first decapitation, oh and then the bad guys sell little Conan into slavery. So the bad guys have destroyed Conan's childhood, killed his dad with armored Rottweilers, and lopped off his mom's head. I don't know about you, but sounds like the kind of character motivation you can build a 131 minute action movie around to me.

Posted in Moviegasm by WaffleBoy at 1:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: waffleboy09 on May 21, 2009 04:36 PM.