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The bad guys then take little Conan and chain him up to this big wheel in the middle of BFE that as far as I can tell exists only to turn little Conans into big Conans. Once little Conan has turned into Arnold, Arnold begins his career as a pit fighter.

These five minutes of the movie gives the producers an excuse for Arnold to kill a bunch of people and wave his biceps at us without ever having to talk.

After Arnold gets turned into a finely honed killing machine his owner frees him. Why? Because the movie is called Conan the Barbarian, not Conan the Pit Fighter, Jesus, pay attention, ok?

Arnold outruns some wolfs, and finds a sword, and meets this hot chick who lives in the middle of nowhere. They have a little dinner and everything is going great right up until she turns into a demon while Arnold is playing hide the shitsengruber with her. Say what you will about their pain in the ass questionnaire, this sort of thing never happens on an Eharmony first date. Luckily Arnold is able to toss his demon date in the fire. Well lucky for Arnold, not the demon date.

The next day Arnold meets his sidekick, Subotai, archer and thief. Wait a minute, archer and thief? That's a real job? Where was that on the list when I was talking to my high school guidance councilor? I think I got screwed on this one.

Conan and Subotai are going to rob the local temple of Set when they meet Valeria a hot lady thief who actually brought a rope to use to climb up the wall of the temple. They team up, and then Arnold chops the head off a giant mechanical snake, and steals what is quite possibly the most fakiest gem in the history of the movies.

Conan and Valeria then hook up so she goes from being Conan's partner to Conan's lady. This is then followed by the obligatory extended sex scene. By the way, Conan's lady naked? Nice.

The local king has Conan, Subotai and Conan's lady arrested. But it turns out he's not mad, because his daughter has run off to join the Temple of Set and he wants her back.
Conan's lady points out to Conan that they are rich and happy, so heading off on a suicide mission to rescue a princess is kind of dumb idea. Too bad Conan has found out that James Earl Jones just happens to be the big cheese of the Temple of Set, so we aren't surprised when she wakes up the next morning and Conan is gone.

Conan makes his way to Thulsa Doom's Mountain of Power, and it turns out it's easy to find. Conan just follows the trail of dirty hippies streaming towards it.

It's a well known fact that all dirty hippies belong to snake cults, that guy in your dorm who constantly played Sugar Magnolia and reeked of patchouli oil? He was totally in a snake cult.

Once Conan gets to Thulsa Doom's Mountain of Power, he promptly gets taken prisoner and crucified on The Tree of Woe, which sounds pretty bad, but it's slightly more dignified then getting crucified on The Tree of Shits and Giggles.

Luckily, Subotai and Conan's lady show up and with the help of the wizard Akiro are able to bring Conan back from the brink of death.

Then all three of them break into Thulsa Doom's Mountain of Power and rescue the princess. (By the way, Conan's lady in a super tiny leather skirt with black and white camo stripes painted up her legs? Nice. ) Unfortunately James Earl Jones kills Conan's lady.
Conan then uses the princess as bait and builds a bunch of elaborate traps for when the bad guys show up. Of course it works. Arnold kills him a mess of extras, skewers the Swedish bodybuilding guy with a booby trap and kills Ben Davidson, after Conan's lady comes back from the dead for a second. (BTW, Conan's dead lady in a silver chain mail mini-skirt? Nice. ) Unfortunately James Earl Jones gets away.

Posted in Moviegasm by WaffleBoy at 1:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: waffleboy09 on May 21, 2009 04:36 PM.