As you may or may not have heard, Rip Torn was arrested Monday for a good old fashioned DWI after a collision on a suburban road in Westchester, NY. It just so happens that this incident occurred just a mere few miles from the house I grew up in; so I commissioned East Coast operative Caty, who shall hitherto be known as The Official Photographer for TVgasm.com Regarding DUIs in North Salem Involving Rip Torn.
That's right, Caty trekked up to the crime scene and snapped whatever incriminating photos she could. She even spoke with the arresting officer, but unfortunately, he didn't spill the beans about any of the good dirt. But we don't need no "authorities" to get the real scoop. Thanks to Caty's fearless photo-journalism, we have this exclusive peek into Rip Torn's afternoon adventure on Hardscrabble Road...
As you can see, North Salem is a pretty lazy kind of town.
If it hadn't been for Rip Torn, this car waiting at the intersection probably would have made front page news.
Here's Hardscrabble Road, the unlucky thoroughfare that bore the brunt of Rip Torn's alcohol-fueled recklessness.
This is the intersection where it all went down.
Hardscrabble may never be the same.
Here's our dramatization of what happened that day:
Everything was just fine and normal that afternoon. The geese were doing their thang...
...when suddenly the piercing sound of tires skidding on asphalt filled the air!
As a swath of carnage lay in Rip Torn's wake, local geese, fearing a similar, deadly fate, fled to safer meadows.
This is where Rip Torn was held and possibly sodomized with a plunger (but probably not).
Perhaps the very police cruiser that apprehended the storied actor.
No word on whether this unseemly event has derailed the much-hyped Ruth Keller Memorial Library Gingerbread Contest.
A cursory look at Hardscrabble Road reveals a very suspicious location...
North Salem Vineyard. We suspect that Rip Torn may have visited this winery during his booze-filled odyssey, and judging by the vineyard's operating hours, we can only assume that Rip Torn was drunk for at least twenty-four hours before his accident, which occurred on a Monday.
The Blazer Pub: possibly where Rip Torn's bender began. They have awesome burgers. I'm sure he had one. Also, a girl from the first season of So You Think You Can Dance used to work there. Maybe she still does. Maybe she served Rip. Maybe she should be held accountable.
Titicus Road. Important only because it's one of the few roads in Westchester, possibly the country, that has the sound "Titty" in it. We can only assume that caused Rip Torn to laugh and later drive his car off the road.
Seriously. Titicus.
Salinger's Orchard. You know Rip Torn's gone to town there.
The Post Office. I think we all know who's mailed a package there from time to time. I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with Lip Thorn.
This has nothing to do with Rip Torn, but a few storefronts down from the post office is this pizzeria. Honestly, the best pizza ever.
In an effort to distance itself from the town drunkard, the local video store has begun selling Rip Torn videos at bargain basement prices. And that includes Dead Ahead: The Exxon Valdez Disaster.
Some dirt road. Rip Torn probably lives on it. The dark pock marks indicate where his wheels have spun out during several drunken journeys through the mud.
The high school marquee still displays events from before Rip's accident, or as we like to call it, the Innocent Times.
Stanley Tucci, Campbell Scott, and Robert Reich went to this high school. And so did the kid who used to yell "MORTAL COMBAT!!!" in the Mortal Kombat commercials.
A trash can.
Some of you maybe wondering what Rip Torn was doing in such a quiet community. Obviously he came to check out the new Asian Bistro in town, Haiku. So metropolitan!
And it's right next to D'agostino! It's like we never left Manhattan!
The sole twenty-four hour establishment in the area. On most days, you'll see just the local teens. The last time I went, however, I saw Blythe Danner. That's right, Gwyneth, your mom bought a sandwich at a rinky dink deli. Tell that to your British friends.
Caty's dog. He seems to be in a fine mood...
...until he finds out about Rip Torn. Let down by another role model...
The chickens don't take the news any better.
TVgasm Exclusive: The Rip Torn Crime Scene! Sections: 1 | 2
Comments (10)
Ahhhh...B-Side, your tomfoolery is much appreciated on this cold December morn.
Heh heh — Titicus.
I think TVgasm should take a trip to Peru and visit Lake Titicaca. Bring Caty to document the journey.
1 of 10 | Posted by Ms. Tumnus
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Posted on December 6, 2006 6:14 AM
All hilarity aside....B-Side, very funny pictoral comments!!!!!!
I have grown up on the West Coast and never visited NY, but i officially want to live in North Salem/Westchester county now. Those pics are gorgeous!!!!!
Is there really a town money that roams around? That's pretty effin sweet!
2 of 10 | Posted by james_woods_rules
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Posted on December 6, 2006 10:40 AM
Oh B-Side, you are too funny! That was some of your best work.
And how did you get by with just one page? NICE!!!
You (I'm only talking to B-Side) should post this sort of thing with the recaps. I know people complained but I don't think they were referring to B-Side posts.
Some folks (like me) don't venture over here to the dark side of TVgasm very often and I would have missed this gem.
3 of 10 | Posted by KarenGwyn
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Posted on December 6, 2006 10:50 AM
"No word on whether this unseemly event derailed the much hyped Ruth Keller Memorial Library Gingerbread Contest."
Oh. My. God. If that's not the most innocent-sounding event EVER, I don't know what is. And Rip Torn (aptly named, btw) is giving Nick Nolte a run for his mugshot money.
Kudos for the inside story and for the top-notch photojournalism.
4 of 10 | Posted by HicksPub
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Posted on December 6, 2006 10:51 AM
Gwyneth's mom should have shared her burger with Mischa. Poor girl can't even hold herself up anymore.
5 of 10 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on December 6, 2006 10:59 AM
Ahhh - seeing this post brings back memories of my summer vacations spent in Chappaqua visiting my grandparents. They would always take me to North Salem to see my great-great Aunt, who was really old and lived by herself in a big white house that had bats in the attic. At the time, she scared the crap out of me, but I've since realized that she wasn't scary - just old!
6 of 10 | Posted by 4felines
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Posted on December 6, 2006 12:05 PM
"This has nothing to do with Rip Torn, but a few storefronts down from the post office is this pizzeria. Honestly, the best pizza ever."
This cracks me up. Like the rest of the post was so relevant!
I just love the off-on-a-tangent posts. You are too funny!
7 of 10 | Posted by Barfly
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Posted on December 6, 2006 1:37 PM
"This has nothing to do with Rip Torn, but a few storefronts down from the post office is this pizzeria. Honestly, the best pizza ever."
mmm... Portofino's. Seriously, their pizza is fantastic. The single slices are the size of three regular slices.
Although I have to say, having lived in the area for more than 20 years, I have yet to see this "town monkey". ^_^
8 of 10 | Posted by Xarlak
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Posted on December 7, 2006 11:38 AM
You are in libel for the tire track,driveway remark.
show some facts or remove imediatley.
This is in no way ANY kind of journalism.
I took a picture of the 101, how many stories can I tie to that photo.
"Ronald Reagan drives a car on the 101" -please
9 of 10 | Posted by rips attourney | Posted on September 18, 2007 8:14 AM
How inacurate!
I live IN North Salem...
james_woods_rules- yes money roams in NS.
Anyway, the post office, Portofinos, Dag's, John Jay, Haiku, Camrons and even that dirt road are not in North Salem. They lay in the towns next to NS.
The vinyard, now shut down becasue the owners didn't want to sell, retired. That vinyard won many awards across the world (mostly in Europe). Until it shut down, they made a special wine for the White House.
10 of 10 | Posted by wrxwagon | Posted on October 11, 2007 1:19 AM