In more "the real world is going to shit so let's pretend nothing's wrong" news, People Magazine has an article about Dancing With the Stars host Useless Samantha's goal contestant for the next season. Ned Beatty? No. The girl who drank the Drano in Heathers? No. Even more realistic. Hugh Jackman! Uh...Samantha? I don't know Hugh, but my guess is that he's probably busy making twenty million dollars an hour in movies. But thanks. Is this news? It is to People, so it is to me too. Did I mention that Jennifer Garner bought a cup of decaf recently? People did. Can't. Stop. Subscribing.

Sean Penn was her runner up.