All the Goombas are five foot five inches tall and are either married or engaged, except for the main Goomba, Johnny. Johnny is five foot five like the rest of them, only Johnny is single. He appears to be in his late forties, and has been "chasing tail" with Scott for over twenty years. One look at this guy and you know he's gotten 99.8% of his ass based on his close association with "Charles" or "Chachi." And the other .2% of the ass came from his cousins. Scott refers to Johnny as his "wing man," but I think "Sloppy Fifths Man" sounds more accurate, so for the remainder of the season Johnny will be known to me as:

Johnny Leftovers

Johnny Leftovers doesn't want Scott to get married because "Scott's not ready." Translation: Johnny knows that with Scott off the market, he's is shit out of luck in the lady department and will wind up being "Johnny Left Hand". For now though, Johnny Leftovers is a sure thing with the "ugly friend" of every girl Scott screws, which happens to equal half of Hollywood. Pam Anderson, Denise Richards, Heather Locklear... he dated those girls like a hundred years ago, but who's counting?

I think the "screwed half of Hollywood" thing is supposed to impress us, but come on...taking into consideration that Scott was on television forever, and used to be cute once, on top of the fact that he appears to have surrounded himself with unattractive short people his entire life, it's not surprising that Scott's nailed so many women. The head Lollipop Kid probably banged all of Munchkin City, too. What I'm getting at is this: I'm not impressed. Want to impress me? Date a fat girl with a mole on her nose.

So the bad news for Scott is that his life coach's plan is for him to cut off all ties with his Not Quite Pam Anderson girlfriend for the next 8 weeks, travel down his bumpy past, meet up with all his exes, and apologize when necessary (which apparently seems to be a lot). He's supposed to find out where he went wrong and in doing so, he will discover his way to becoming marriage material. Or at least go back to getting laid by the REAL Pam Anderson. The great news for us is that starting this Sunday, July 15th, we'll be taking that long journey with Scott, and I have to say, I'm downright ecstatic about it. For if it's help you need Scott Baio, then don't you fret... Dr. McSteeny is on the case!

PLEASE LOVE ME!!!

Preliminary Diagnosis: Scott is suffering from a Peter Pan Complex- he just won't grow up. Scott's excessively youthful condition seems to be exacerbated by his clothing selections, attraction to Barbie Dolls, and his association with at least one of the "Lost Boys."

Prescription: Take two "accept your age" pills per day (you're 45 dammit!), learn to admire brunettes, and avoid Johnny Leftovers at all costs.