16 and Pregnant: And the Homeschool Valedictorian is…

Each week, I debate whether or not to start slipping birth control into the food supply of every local high school. The only thing that really stops me is laziness. Even though I’m lazy,  feel free to run with that idea. If possible, run straight below the Mason Dixon Line as that is where most of these pregnancy breakouts seem to be taking place.

Emily is a majorette from Alabama who takes accelerated classes and plans to become a pharmacist. She’s Alabamian smart but not Doogie Howser M.D. smart. If she was, she would’ve been a pharmacist by now, prescribed her own birth control and lived happily ever after. Instead she isn’t, she didn’t and she won’t. She lives with her father (who simultaneously reminds me of Dr. Phil, Phillip Banks and Rene Angelil) and stepmother because her mother kicked her out. This is interesting already. On the one hand, it isn’t fair to impose a baby on an entire household. Parents don’t usually plan on becoming a grandparent when their still supporting their own children but what does kicking a child out really accomplish? Onto more important things, I feel like I’m watching an episode of “My So-Called Life.”

Angela

Gay friend Ricky

Brian Krakow AKA Daniel the Fiance

Emily’s father is still distraught that his little girl is going to be a mother. He asks if she thinks she’s mature enough to be a parent and she says “Yeah…I guess.” Guessing is for SATs, which Emily will never take, parenthod requires certainty. I hope that baby’s listening to this and gets life insurance ASAP. Her dad says that it’ll take a while to warm up to Daniel, her fiance, because he hasn’t gotten to know him as well as she has. I sure hope that he hasn’t gotten to know him that well; that’s got to be illegal. Even in Alabama.

Daniel visits Emily each weekend since she now lives 45 minutes away at her dad’s. They discuss finding out that they’re going to be parents and Daniel says that he didn’t believe the news because he “didn’t want no baby. I do now – I guess.” Someone please set up a fund for this child. For two people who are about to become parents they sure don’t seem to be committed or interested in the idea.

Daniel: Is we ready to have a baby, punkin’?

Emily: I don’t know sugar plum. I gay-ess.

Daniel: Whoever can smile the longest gets to decide. Ready, set, go!

That weekend they hang out with friends back home because Emily hasn’t made too many new ones at her new school. Transferring into a high school as a pregnant junior is a surefire way to not make friends and have everyone gossip abut you. Actually, transferring into a high school as a girl is a surefire way to not make friends and have everyone gossip about you. They’re at a bonfire and I don’t know if the crafty editors at MTV have set this up or these kids are just born pervs but somehow they’re in charge of handing out the pokers and weiners. Of course this leads to the obligatory, “grab your weiner and poke’er” exclamations from the kids. It would be funny except poking and weiner grabbing is what got them on the show.

Daniel and Emily tell their friends that they plan to move to Huntsville so Daniel can go to school and major in aeronautical and chemical engineering. Emily is only a junior so she is taking extra classes to graduate early. Unfortunately, her morning sickness has caused her to miss a number of days and she is in danger of not being able to finish school early. The school even mails her a letter warning that she may fail due to attendance. The family feels that the community is being tough on her because she’s pregnant. Considering the school hasn’t allowed MTV to film inside also leads me to believe that the family has a flaming target on their backs. I can’t believe this is coming from a state that’s home to the first drive thru sex shop in the country? It’s true – google it!

Thanks Daily News for keeping me in the loop. And the swing. And the handcuffs. Anyone wanna go on a field trip? I have the sudden urge to go to Alabama. You know, for research. Emily and Daniel sit down for a discussion of their future. Emily’s dad doesn’t want her to leave but Daniel wants her to be with him. They plan to get married student housing but Emily doesn’t really seem sold on it. I’m relieved that Daniel is interested on keeping the family together even if it’s not an ideal situation but I’m equaly relieved that she doesn’t feel like marrying him is her only option.

Daniel and Emily’s families get together to discuss everything that’s going on and Emily’s dad basically tells Daniel’s mom Virginia that he doesnt give a crap about the boy’s education. Then he asks for any ideas they have on getting his Pregnant Princess through the 11th grade. Virginia makes the side stepping comment that she’s not Emily’s mom or guardian but she’ll do what she can. Her dad snaps back with, and rightfully so, that he didn’t ask her to be the parent but they need help and ideas. They gather at the house to look at the letter and discuss strategies. Virginia lamely asks what Emily’s plans are and Daniel jumps in and says that they’ll get married and live together on campus. Daddy Phillip Banks is still not a fan of this plan because it in no way addresses what Emily will be doing.

“I don’t want her working at Piggly Wiggly. My daughter is good enough to work at any Wal-Mart in Alabama!”

Daniel, who IS as dumb as he looks, tells Daddy Dr. Phil that it doesn’t matter what he thinks. What in the-? This boy is brave if nothing else. Well, brave and fertile. Daddy Rene quickly informs Krakow Jr. that it DOES matter what he thinks. Daniel wants to know what he has to say or do to prove that he’s responsible. Oooh, ooh! I can think of a few things: don’t have sex, use a condom if you do, don’t get your high school girlfriend pregnant, consider all of your options if she is pregnant and enter the Witness Protection Program if your pregnant teenage girlfriend’s father looks like he’d gladly drown you in the Chattahoochee River.

The kids are somewhat mature because they seem to understand both parents perspective. I really am glad that they at least seem to suport each other unlike some other couples we’ve seen. Emily ends up having to withdraw from school because they will not give her a month off after she delivers. Emily is going to be homeschooled instead. She was on track to be valedictorian from what everyone said early on in the episode but she tells Daniel on the phone that she’s been “withdrawed” from school. This part makes me reminisce about the high school across town from me; when I graduated, the valedictorian at that school had a 3.2 GPA. All I could think is – I would’ve been the Einstein of that school. Of course, I also would’ve been beat up and possibly shot but I would’ve had street cred too.

The next day, Emily and her stepmom Kelly meet with the Debra the counselor abut possible homeschooling. Debra has Jersey hair and Alabama teeth.

Big hair, no teeth.

I’d usually never point that out but as I was listening to this on my headphones, the sound of her gums touching and whistling was too distracting not to notice. She says that Emily will have to work holidays and weekends and could be dismissed if she isn’t keeping up with her work. Debra begins to hand Emily her books and it looks like the clown car of education. Every book gets bigger and bigger!

Anatomy
“Looks pretty easy.”

Literature
“Uhh. Ok.”

Math
“Gettin’ kinda nervous y’all.”

Geography
“Is it too late to get that shmashmortion?

Emily and her friend Paige talk about real school, homeschool and Daniel. Apparently, he’s living up to my expectations and not visiting as much as he should. He finally visits and says he couldn’t come the weekend before because of work. Ok, he gets a pass for doing something productive. It’s almost Christmas and there’s still no reconciliation in sight with her mom. Daddy Rene and stepmom Kelly sit Emily down for a talk. They’re trying to figure out if she’s ready to marry Daniel and she says that she has doubts because they’ve only known each other a year. I’m glad her parents aren’t pushing the marriage just because they’re having a baby and that Emily has some common sense.

A few days later, Emily goes into labor early and Daniel rushes to be with her. Her mother didn’t even show up for the delivery(!) and Daddy Phillip Banks is away on business. After nine hours of labor, she pushes out a huge, bloody baby boy named Liam Allen; sounds too much like a furniture store if you ask me. Daddy Phillip Banks is away on business but her stepmother and Daniel are there for her. The kids are both petrified of the fact that they don’t know what they’re doing. When they bring the baby home, Daddy Rene is back in town and he cries when he meets Liam. He even seems to bond a little with Daniel. Daniel has to go back home because he only got two days off from work. Once again, a teen mom doing it on her own. It’s not really Daniel’s fault this time but it’s amazing how this almost always happens.

Emily tells Daniel how frustrated she is with taking care of Liam all the time. Daniel says that it’s not that hard to take care of the baby and Emily gets that feminine rage that we all discover when the right man at the right time says the wrong thing. She nearly flips out on him but he realizes that he’s no match for this and wisely backs down. Debra, the counselor, sends a letter that Emily is not on track to graduate on time. Daddy Dr. Phil is not having this and tells her to get on track. Emily finished her junior year but still needs to finish her senior year.

For someone who needs to graduate high school, Emily sure does make a lot of time to hang out with her friends. She tells her friends Paige and gay Ricky that Daniel isn’t around  alot and raising Liam is hard. She tells them that she finshed the 11th grade and now has to get through the 12th. Emily’s progress so far:

I started one book last week.

Emily! It’s so funny that you’re a complete failure!

And that I’m now the prettiest girl in school!

And the valedictorian!

And the head majorette!

And I live in your old bedroom! Your mom’s so cool!

Daniel and Emily have a talk about their upcoming wedding. She asks if they’re to young to get married. The appropriate first question should have been ”Are we old enough to create ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?” They start having one of these stupid relationship conversations in which she passively aggressively says some stuff and then he responds likewise and nothing is resolved.

“I just can’t wait to be stuck with you.”

“And I can’t wait til Liam grows up and is a smart ass like his mom.”

They actually said this stuff to each other; no need to embellish. Then again, they sound like every other married couple I know, so I say go for it! Daniel informs Emily that she’s stuck with him because of Liam. And because her vagina looks like someone drove a Mac truck though it. Then reversed and popped a wheelie over it. So…will they or won’t they? I don’t know. The MTV video player stopped working.

The video player for the After Show is working and Emily reveals that her mom not only kicked her out but her dad didn’t want her living at his house either. He refused to give in as did Daniel’s parents! What??!! So it’s okay for their sperm shooter to live in their house but not the incubator of their first grandchild? Also, since Daddy Dr. Phil was divorced from his first wife, wouldn’t that be the perfect time to step up and be the ‘favorite’ parent? I thought the only good thing about divorce is that one parent has the chance to undermine the other. If that’s not what it’s all about, color me shocked.

Emily did say that she knew her mom would react that way so she really should have known better. Emily also reveals that Daniel wanted to have an abortion. How effed up are these kids going to be when they watch these shows and realize that one parent didn’t want them around? We also learn that Daniel is adopted. What??!!! I can’t take anymore surprises. Daniel is happy that he has a blood relative now but he didn’t want to put Liam through the adoption process and having adoptive parents. What does that mean? Virginia and hubby did seem like Southern yuppies. Suppies? This couple definitely needs to be on Teen Mom Season 3. There are some skeletons just waiting to come out and dance all over Alabama.

Emily says that she’s given up her dream of being a pharmacist and will go to a two year school and become an ultrasound tech. Now, that’s just sad. She feels that she’s pretty much screwed up her life plan and Daniel will be able to do anything and everything he wants so she resents him. Apparently, the taping just wrapped a month or so ago so this whole thing is still really fresh. It remains to be seen whether the kids will make it down the aisle or not.

Next week, we have the Black Amber and Gary. All I know is, someone cheated and punches were thrown. Just another day in the teen maternity ward. So what’d you think this week? Will they get hitched? Should they? Does Daniel have the ‘Justin Bieber’ do, just curlier? Doesn’t Emily kinda look like a young Alyssa Milano? Let’s dish!