16 and Pregnant Recap: Dollar Store Rubbers

Ayo, lookit! A full recap on the day immediately following the ep. Don’t say I never gave ya nothin’.

Myranda lives in San Augustine, Texas, where they teach the Pythagorean Theorem in late high school honors math. She liked to play pool until her pregnant belly became prohibitive. She met her skinny, cute-faced babydaddy Eric at a party, and they got pregnant after three months of dating. Three months after that, her mother let her move in with Eric and his Grandma, Nanny, so Mom could go to rehab again. Nanny is another no-nonsense lady like Wendy, who ain’t raisin’ no great-grandbaby, but our presumptuous youngsters don’t know that at the beginning of the ep.

Myron and Eric sit on the porch and mumble about how they met in the pool and how they’re not ready to be parents – babies look cute only when they belong to others. Myron is going to spend some time with Mom Billie, who she believes has only been partially rehabilitated and is now drinking but not doing drugs. Eric, looking more like a little boy than ever, suggests that Billie will pay attention to Myranda’s entreaties to get her ass in gear now that Myranda’s pregnant.

Billie’s first thought, not to hurt Myranda’s feelings or anything, was that Myranda’s life was over. Myranda does not do herself any favors here explaining why she wasn’t on birth control.

So the pills don’t work if you don’t take them, huh? I missed that part of sex ed when I had to leave early for honors math. Me squared plus Eric squared equals baby squared, see?

Myranda says she’s gonna get her GED. Billie correctly susses that she could have been a better parent.

In Nanny’s pool, we get to hear Eric’s side of the complicated story of how babies are made. He was thinking with his penis and he didn’t care, Eric explains. Well, at least he owns it I guess. He’s got $700 saved from working at the dollar store (which would maybe last three weeks where I live), so he guesses he’ll be okay to raise the kid.

Wait, that was my penis talking again.

A handcrafted Tin Man and some wind chimes observe Myranda telling her AshleyMegan that she feels worthless because she can’t get any meaningful work done in her condition. Ashley says she can’t picture Eric as a Dad. Myranda says the scariest thing about being pregnant was telling her mom and Nanny. We see Nanny giving them crap for lying in bed together, and then coming to her own realization that it’s too late to care. And hey, surprise! Eric is a big slacker on the housework.

Nanny sits them down. Well, they’re already sitting down, as is their wont, and she sits down with them.

Lemme lay it out for y’all. Y’all dumber than a bag o’ kitchen scraps.

They again display themselves enviably, and by enviably, I mean I envy that level of ignorance because it must be a bliss that I can never hope to feel. Basically, they’re like, guh, it’s not our fauuult, but isn’t it funny?

Nope.

I like Nanny. I don’t like seeing her like this. You ruined each other’s lives, she says. You annoy us, they say. You’re not living here, she says. It’s not Grandma Day Care.

Nanny! Wait, what?

To mark this new, more challenging stage of their lives, Myron makes her hair browner. They lie on the bed and talk about where they’re gonna squat. She’s no longer giggling. In the next scene, they’re shopping for school books and her hair is back to blond. That can’t be good for the baby. Eric asks about Myranda’s future plans. She’ll make it work, she says, and still play softball. She’ll wait until the baby’s a little bigger and easier to take care of. Eric notes that doesn’t mean the baby can watch herself. When his penis lets him use his head, he knows lots of stuff.

Myranda does not know thing one about taking care of a baby. So Eric’s aunt comes to the rescue, with the all-important info that you need little nose suckers for their little boogers.

Or a bendy straw works in a pinch.

The lucky couple gets to move into an abandoned house at the edge of Nanny’s property. Myranda seems as yet unaware that she’s going to have to form a close personal relationship with all things nasty in a matter of weeks, so she’d better get used to it. The house is in disrepair – bugs on the windowsills, moldy mattresses stacked against the walls, yawing holes where stove burners should be, random piles of trash and assorted goo. And no toilet seat. Wonder if CT from The Challenge tore it off. Nanny comes in and restates the obvious, for which you really can’t blame her, since these kids have already proven they sometimes neglect obvious facts.

Look on the bright side. They left you their bald eagle!

Commercials. I really don’t think there are that many people “hanging out” on Google+.

Hey, who changed the channel to Flip this House? Oh, it’s the jaunty Home Improvement Montage. Everyone receiving an MTV stipend has chipped in to help them paint and rip up that gross carpet. Yay! For some reason, they put some perfectly good furniture out in the yard, and the girls seem to be spending their energy spackling up the grooves between the wood panels instead of just painting them. See why I didn’t want this episode encroaching on my weekend?

Aaand, it’s time to (not) hear from our Undependable Family/Cast Member of the Week.

Mom, it’s important that you stop by and see my hair change color with my mood.

Myranda’s mother can’t be found, and Nanny is only able to drive them to the most expensive store in town. The asshole highway-robbing sales lady shows them the $679 stroller that even my doctor friends would decline to buy for their baby. Can these people not get to an interweb at the library, or a Walmart, or a Craig’s List, or a garage sale? Are there no babies in this town who have outgrown their strollers, for crying out loud? Mr. Tube and I have three jobs between us, and I wouldn’t even step into this store unless I was being bankrolled by someone I knew had money to burn and wanted to burn it. Why did they even build this store here? The building is nicer than these people’s houses. It’s really a gift store, where the childless and rich go to buy material demonstrations of their love for their new-parent friends. If they even have baby booger-pickers, they’re probably bedazzled with 6 carats of created rubies.

I am just saying.

And…

Screw you, Texas suburb.

I bet Billie would know someone who knows someone who can score baby gear cheap. Screw you too, Billie.

Myranda goes out with her best friend Kristian, who wears pearls to the batting cages. Myranda is in no condition for this. After batting, she learns that Party Billie has landed herself in rehab again. She and Eric drink milkshakes and talk about how Billie won’t be in their lives anymore. Mmm… milkshakes.

3D Ultrasound. Nanny thinks the baby has Myranda’s mouth.

Always the sportswoman, Myranda goes bowling and does well, at least on the first couple of frames. Eric puts the bowling ball under his shirt and comments that it weighs more but looks the same as Myranda’s baby bump.

Baby shower. Somebody found the Walmart. Billie’s out of rehab and it’s awkward. Naggy wants Myranda to hurry up and open her presents. Billie and Myranda talk. Billie’s in intensive outpatient treatment now, probably for a year. Mmm… sounds pricey. I hear a toddler or baby in the background. Stroller-hog. Billie wants to be in the delivery room.

I just want you to know… that I have several coke nails, which I hear can be useful for baby booger-picking if need be.

Myranda is so affected by the meeting with Billie that her hair turns brown again. She’s going to have Kristian in the delivery room instead of Billie.

Uh… thanks. I love births.

“If I could take all this back, I would,” says Miranda to another Megan and all the little high school nymphettes in TV land about to bareback it.

Moving day. Their house looks pretty nice, all things considered. On the inside, at least. Eric makes sure to bring his X-Box. Myranda invites Billie over to disinvite her from the delivery room. She explains that when Billie failed to show up for the ultrasound, she re-realized she couldn’t rely on her and she didn’t want her there.

Come at me, Dr. Drew.

Billie asks if she’ll be able to watch the kid. Myranda doesn’t know. They both cry. Billie is sorry she put Myranda in the position… which seems different from being sorry for being a shit mom.

Middle of the night labor. Hospital. Contractions. Is anyone still unclear on what an epidural is? They should mention the part about the giant needle. Or Trojans should add that fact to their commercials and run those commercials during this show. I don’t know if they think it’s in poor taste or what. They really don’t need to concern themselves with that at this point.

It’s time to “Push like you’re doo-dooin’.”

Nice Nike shirt, Eric. Pretty much sums things up.

Birth. Shut up, glurgy song. “All that you are is all I need,” along with hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars worth of baby supplies.

Welcome home. Everyone shows up, except Billie, who had a pity party to go to. They pass little Kaylee around. She fills her diaper.

You know if you don’t let me sleep now, I’m never going to, right?

Nighttime. The new parents struggle with sleeping and waking, while the baby struggles with her lot in life. The days wear on, and Myranda fights loneliness and cabin/shed fever. She doesn’t return Billie’s texts. ShanaMegan suggests going out to eat. But there’s no one to watch the kid but Billie. So, nope. Eventually they let her visit. After some encouragement from Eric, Myranda agrees to let Billie watch Kaylee so she can get out of the house. They go to a restaurant that’s not so fancy that Eric needs to remove his hat. Before they even get their food, Myranda calls her mother, who doesn’t pick up. She’s got the typical new-mom-first-time-away panic, coupled with the fact that her mother has never been dependable. I would probably wrap that fried food and get the hell back home. Mmm… fried food. They get home, and everything’s fine.

I heard my phone ringing but didn’t pick it up. Aren’t you glad you got your brains from me?

Myranda tells the camera that having a baby is much harder than she thought – there’s so much more to it than feeding her and putting her to bed. When Kaylee is 16, she’ll tell her to use protection (just like she was told). Eric cutely puts baseball gear on Kaylee. Myranda says she wishes she had waited to have sex and that she could give Kaylee a better life.

MTV says chew Trident gum. Er, Dentyne. Just be sure you have great breath the next time you make a baby, ‘kay?

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