16 and Pregnant Recap: Fightin’ Words

Lindsey lives in Reno, where she shares a bed with her younger sister, and her mom is “kind of hard” on her by not buying her a car that costs too much. Auspicious start we’re off to, eh? She and Forest are on-again, off-again, and dude seems to have trouble applying himself. We’ll find out more about his motivations later, sort of. Lindsey wants to be a police detective. I actually can see her bullying a confession out of some mook, like Olivia Benson, whose SVU character is getting more and more inconsistent since she doesn’t have Stabler there to be all asshole, all the time. Mariska Hargitay does her best, but I can’t imagine she’s happy the writers keep trying to put Eliot’s words in her mouth for the first half hour, and then have her play herself for the second. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d prefer to be home with her baby (-ies?). Oh yeah, that’s what we’re here to talk about, isn’t it?

Lindsey’s training to be a professional cage fighter. And/or a model, though she doesn’t look like she’s over 5’7”, which I’ve learned from Tyra Banks is muy, muy important. I think this is known as hedging one’s bets on reality TV. She’s got herself lined up for at least two shows with these goals, plus that Special Victims, Specialer Cops pilot (this channel, natch) and to seal the deal, she’s gone and gotten herself pregnant.

Is it a good idea to leave the belly ring in when your skin’s stretched to its limit like that?

She’s been working at an unnamed fast food restaurant during the summer to save money for the baby. Or as y’all noted, to spend money on acrylic nails. I agree that shows a bit of a prioritization problem. I loved fake nails at that age. But I did them myself. I got the glue-on tips and applied them while working at Sally Beauty. So technically, I probably had a net financial gain from the deal. But yeah, I don’t know what this girl’s thinking in that regard, or any other, really.

Lindsey and her two friends have trouble getting through the “How’d you get pregnant” segment with straight faces. Her friends are cute though. I think they’re billing themselves as a package deal – maybe a reality show where they go around and tell other teen girls they’ve made stupid decisions and deliver a pithy saying in unison. It could work.

Forest wanted her to get an abortion when she told him. But she’s not worried he won’t stick around, ‘cause he’s a big teddy bear. All right then.

My life as I know it is over! Ha ha!

Mom Lonita was also encouraging an abortion. Okay, we get it, that’s an option too. How is the kid going to feel seeing this, I wonder? Or any of these kids on the shows where the moms discussed abortion? I kind of want to see some of these babies in 10-15 years. And not for any kind of trainwreck-watching. I honestly want them to do well. But I also want them to tell me if some of their moms are the assholes they came across as, and what that was like.

Mom explains to Lindsey that she didn’t want her to have the baby because she wants her to be able to reach her goals. With a baby, these things are hard(er), regardless of the other circumstances. As Mom gently tries to explain this, Lindsey responds, “Well you’re just doubting me all the time, so whatever.”

Ok, I guess I really did raise you this stupid, but do you have to be so blatant about it on camera?

Mom notes she’ll be doing quite a bit of babysitting, because that’s how she is (and that’s how Lindsey is, goes unspoken). Lindsey wants to move out, but her mom doesn’t want to worry about her. I worry about the lack of sense in both of them.

Cartoon of Forest clenching his fists and jumping up and down with rage over Lindsey’s expanding belly. Awesome start there, Papa Bitch. Once again, they only agree on the baby’s name. Or more likely, she chose it and he kind of doesn’t give a crap one way or the other.

Forest tells Lindsey he felt that she had gotten pregnant to tie him down. On the online aftershow, she mentioned that she was pissed about his thinking that. It’s not like she lied to him about being on The Pill. It’s your dick dude, you know if there’s a rubber on it. Stop listening to your friends. His grandmother and aunt brought over some baby chairs and he wanted to faint, but then he realized there would be people that would help him pay for it got used to it. She pushes the “be a family” thing here, for the first time of several. He says he’ll start buying diapers right now. She’s pleased. Careful with that, though. If Mackenzie had bought tons of newborn size diapers, I bet Gannon would have busted right out of them and they all would have gone to waste. Good idea to start clipping those coupons though.

So like, how long are those cameras going to be here? Because I need to take a forever trip out of town pretty soon.

Don’t worry dude. My Spidey sense tells me she’s gonna walk out on your ass and try to do everything on her own before you’ve even learned to properly place a spit-up cloth.

Baseball game. Either Lindsey or her sister Dallas actually says, “Watch the baseball game!” which I’m guessing is exactly what the cameras/producers just told them to do. Dallas whoops at absolutely nothing, and the two girls have a good laugh at this. “Are you still cage fighting?” the camera Dallas wants to know. Lindsey says no, it’s too much of a risk, and a bunch of other stuff.

That’s great, but what I was really looking for was a simple “yes” or “no,” because I have real plans later and I’m kind of in a hurry here.

Lindsey hasn’t told her trainer that she’s pregnant yet, because the grown, independent-woman thing to do is just stop showing up at practice. He’s like a father figure, she says, and she doesn’t want to disappoint him. I’m sure he’s proud now. And we learn later that training sessions cost, so did you just leave money on the table or did you stiff him? Did he hold your spot for you and lose money? Yeah, I guess I don’t care. I have plans later too.

Commercials. MTV.com tells me no fewer than four times that Trident gum will punch me in the face. That’s really what they say.

Lindsey’s mom knows she’s been missing cage fighting, and she figures it’s a good idea to encourage Lindsey to go see a match she can’t be in, and that will help. Lindsey plans on hiding from everyone she knows so she can continue to keep her obvious pregnancy a secret from her trainer. Rotsa ruck with that. Mom agrees with me. Lindsey narrates that Mom says the longer she keeps her pregnancy a secret, the harder it’s going to be for her to start fighting again. I don’t really see how the two are related. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kind of see Lindsey’s defensive point in this particular matter. Nobody wanted her to have this kid, so they shouldn’t blame her if she’s struggling with a little shame now.

Kitchen. Hamburger patties. Mom says Lindsey should appreciate her more. No one on this show has very realistic expectations. Lindsey argues that her mom’s turning this into an argument and Lindsey doesn’t want to argue, for the second time in like two minutes of show. “This conversation is over,” she says imperiously.

It’s good that you love haters, ‘cause I’m pretty sure you’ve earned a few.

Lindsey washes dishes at Forest’s house. She tells Forest she’s nesting, which would be cute if their situation wasn’t so doomed. They discuss how she should move into his house, and he seems on board with it, if only for the reason that buying two of everything for their two separate homes would suck.

Lindsey shops in a baby store in a black and white outfit that wouldn’t do anyone any favors. Man, maternity clothes designers, just. Stop. Now. Do not complicate our lives by putting horizontal stripes and ruffles on shit. We do not want fun; we want functional. We want a shirt with a solid color, lots of stretch, and a long freaking front. Why is that so hard? Anyway, she has a list of things she needs, and she’s trying to figure out how to make her money cover them. A salesperson approaches.

When I open my eyes you better have more money.

The saleslady reminds Lindsey about that pesky carseat, without which I’ve heard they won’t let you take your baby home from the hospital. I feel like this might be a scare tactic perpetuated by baby book writers, because it’s not like the hospital needs more babies to watch. They should just sell carseats in the gift store, or better yet, stick them on your bill like everything else. In any event, Lindsey wasn’t planning on spending $500 on all this stuff. Then I suggest the thrift store, deal sites, or waking the heck up, because babies are expensive. This is such a tip of the iceberg, it’s practically warm. I’m sure her mother would have told her this, and probably tried to, at which time she was accused of starting an argument and shut down.

Restaurant. This one gets a shot of its sign, so I’m guessing it supplied free food in exchange for the advertising. Also, it has mayo-enriched guacamole. And here’s Forest the Useless to get his daily list of things he probably won’t do. He asks about a crib. She says they have the money for the crib, but they need a bunch more stuff. He agrees to get a job so she’ll stop talking. Actually, on the second or third viewing, this statement sounds and appears to be spliced together, since it’s captioned and we get a shot of the back of his head when he says it. The sensible shot would show it coming out of his mouth, if he actually said it.

Lindsey and the less cute sister walk into a room and sit down. The staging on this show is bugging me. Don’t regular people usually walk and talk? The gist of this convo is that Lindsey wants to move in with Forest, but she hasn’t told her mother because she doesn’t want her to bitch. So considerate, this one. Then she says she wants things to work out so much that she has a feeling they will.

Depends on how you define “work out,” I guess.

Wait, does that actually work? Because there are a lot of things I want so much. Am I not wanting hard enough or something?

Twenty-nine weeks pregnant. Forest still has no job, and Lindsey’s waking up at 6 am to work. Cartoon treatment of him lounging under an umbrella on one of the burgers she’s flipping.

Dinner at the Gump home. Lindsey thanks Forest’s mom Dora for dinner, and Mom shows us where Forest got his mushmouth, bungling the line about Forest asking her if Lindsey could move in. This gets captioned for efficiency clarity. I don’t know what to believe anymore. On the plus side, Dora likes having Lindsey around and getting her dishes washed. Point to Lindsey for that anyway. Lindsey asks Forest about getting that pesky job, and Dora chimes in and says that a job and school and being a dad is too much, and she doesn’t want him getting a job. I think what she’s also saying here is that she’s willing to help them out financially, but it’s not completely clear, and I certainly wouldn’t depend on it if I were Lindsey. I don’t know if Dora means she’s going to bankroll them or just make sure they get dinner. Forest talks about how he’ll get his diploma first and then get a job that can support a family. He sneers about “flipping burgers” and dude, don’t knock it ‘til an office/manufacturing/multi-level marketing job deigns to hire your mumbling ass. “At least I bring home a paycheck,” says Lindsey.

So Lindsey goes home and calls Forest and yells at him, the cartoons tell us. This is pretty much a lose-lose situation. On one hand, I know teenage boys regularly defy their parents; on the other, I’m sure he’s not super stoked at the idea of having no free time ever again. I don’t know if he has a car, and if his mother’s unwilling to drive him to said job, he’s SOL already. And there I go again giving a crap about this load of crap.

Nice giant pile of books. Stop trying to make me believe this guy studies.

Later that night, Lindsey walks into the living room, sits down on the couch, and then hollers for her mother. I fully understand not wanting to move when you’re big and pregnant, but she was already up! She could have walked to her mom’s room and awakened her a little more politely. Or MTV could have blocked this scene better.

Mom dutifully comes to her aid. Lindsey feels like she’s in early labor, so they go to the hospital.

She can’t reach Forest on the phone to tell him this news – big surprise.

They keep her overnight and give her the steroid shot to help the baby’s lungs develop, in case she’s born early. Friend Stephanie relieves mom of bedside listening duty, and she suggests that Forest is nervous since it’s so close to time for the baby to be born. Also bummed that he has the naggin’est babymommy so far this season. The doctors put Lindsey on bed rest. Dallas drives her home and tells her she shouldn’t be with Forest at all. She does her schoolwork from home and leaves Forest long phone messages.

In her bedroom, Lindsey puts on her cage fighting gloves and narrates that she misses her old life. Forest texts her like nothing happened and says that until he sneaks out of his mom’s house in the middle of the night and flees the country, he’d like them to live together and be a family. She stops resting in her bed to go see him. He haltingly says some lines.

This is really excrement. I mean exciting.

Lindsey goes home and tells her mother she’s moving in with Forest. Her mother is skeptical and disappointed she won’t be able to see the baby much. Lindsey doesn’t care about this because she thinks the baby can watch herself. These people really don’t like driving a half-hour. Mom hopes that when Lindsey’s daughter is 17, she doesn’t do this to Lindsey. Shortly thereafter, Lindsey’s water breaks. She’s just shy of 36 weeks along. Forest shows up at the hospital this time. After five short hours of labor, baby Aniyah is born.

Hang on, the dark haired one looks more mature and capable. Also I hear she’s a pushover. Can she be my mom?

Forest’s mom makes him go back to school or something. Lindsey tells her mom she’s going home, and home is Forest’s. Mom remains displeased. Lindsey asks tells her to fill out a bunch of paperwork. Mom grows a backbone at this late date and asks if that should maybe be Lindsey’s job.

I’m just your chauffeur. I’m not your secretary.

Lindsey ponders this and realizes her mother has a really good point, and if she wants to be grown up, she should act grown up. Haha, no she doesn’t either. She gets pissy and pulls the covers over her face. Mom gives the papers back to her and leaves in disgust, over Lindsey yelling “Leave, leave, leave, goooo,” to be certain she doesn’t hear a single one of her mother’s valid ideas. Lindsey and Forest take Aniyah home (It makes so much more sense to type “Anaya.” Sigh.) and she appears to pluckily hold her head up and sightsee.

Izzat the old Reno Arch or the new one? Why is this pacifier as big as my head?

They introduce Aniyah to Forest’s family, and predictably, she wakes up between 3 and 4 am needing to be fed. Also predictably, Lindsey is tired when this happens. She narrates that her friends don’t seem to be interested in coming over to see the baby. Must be because you haven’t nagged them enough.

Sushi place (!) Lindsey’s gonna make up with her mom because Forest’s mom can’t do all the babysitting it’s the right thing to do. And Mom apologizes first! Oh Mom, at least make her squirm a little. She’s gonna go away from this thinking she was right to be so bratty. Aniyah sleeps and sleepily eats, and doesn’t give anyone any trouble. I’m kind of glad to see that difficult people can birth easy babies, whether they deserve it or not.

Then they go to the cage-fighting gym and coach that Lindsey abandoned. Lindsey has her mother go in first, then grabs some tissue from the bathroom to sniffle a little, while the camera gets seriously hovery. Coach Rick is happy to see her.

As long as you’re not gonna try and get a refund for the classes you blew off.

Rick says she can tell him things, and he feels bad that she went into hiding. She agrees to go to four days of training a week because as hours in the day go, she hasn’t mastered the whole counting-to-24 thing. She recaps to sister Lacey that Forest still doesn’t have a job, and his mom isn’t making him get one. Oh, and cage fighting costs $80 a month. Lacey says something very much like what Mom would say, and Lindsey doesn’t yell at her.

Forest feeds the baby an empty bottle while Lindsey tells him that seeing Rick has made her more motivated to spend money she doesn’t have.

Here, your turn to hold the expensive poop machine.

They go back over the whole Forest-doesn’t-have-a-job thing, and he reiterates that he can’t do it with school. She lays out her future plans of school all day, and work and training all night. “Because you do balance it good,” he says. She notes Forest will be watching the baby a lot. He has nothing to say to this.

Lindsey cage-fights. She narrates that her year off has set her back. She tells the camera that she wishes she would have waited to get pregnant. The end.