My mom doesn’t read the ‘gasm (she’d be all kinds of mortified), but I gotta give her a big public thanks here, and say she’s awesome and a saint and I never fully appreciated it. For one thing, she never believed she owned me.
Ah, moms. Jordan’s mom Kelly is the focal point of this ep, and she makes me want to give the other moms this season, in addition to my own, a few props. Wendy from last week was a toughass, sure, but what she did came out of love. Kelly’s actions come out of crazy.
I’m sure Kelly had a terrible childhood, wherein she learned that the way to survive in this world is to take from others and tear them down and be defensive, and I kind of don’t care. I do worry for Jordan, who seems to be coming out of the ordeal of her first 17 years ok, but that’s in spite of Kelly, definitely not because of.
The Facebook tells me that Jordan and Tyler are now engaged, which means that Jordan will soon be out of her crazy mother’s house for good, and for that, we all should celebrate a little. It’s too bad MTV didn’t provide me with this update last Tuesday so I didn’t have to go to bed angry.
Now let’s shovel this shit.
Jordan lives in Pennsylvania with her mom and three siblings and likes to hang out at the roller rink and pool. I like that roller rinks haven’t changed in the past 30 years. It’s one of the few things I’ve seen on this show that doesn’t make me feel ancient. Jordan’s got a big oafish looking boyfriend, who’s okay in my book ‘cause he tells her he loves her at random – which a lady likes to hear.
Tyler’s a big ol’, shy ol’ nerd who likes to use the computer. We see Jordan brushing his hair but not improving it. Jordan’s friends are not fazed by this dude – he’s her type. They like him as much as their teenage status-conscious brains will allow. This is a positive, because friends tend not to like actual asshole boyfriends. Her mom, however, is not convinced, and the mere mention of him makes her wave her hands around in disgust.
Thirty-four weeks pregnant. Farmland and silos. Jordan’s sleeping over at Tyler’s house. Kelly doesn’t approve, exactly, but she’d prefer Jordan not go into labor alone while Kelly’s at her third-shift job. Big of her, huh? Ty wakes Jordan up with a kiss, ‘cause he’s a sweetie. They walk, holding hands, and talk about how they first got together. He knew he liked her ‘cause she didn’t run screaming from the room after talking to him.
A match made in cow heaven.
No, the fact that she’s black was never a thing. Yes, it does bug him that her insane twatwaffle mom won’t let him in the house.
Hmmm… has it been hours or minutes since my last display of mental cruelty toward my offspring?
Kelly really doesn’t give a crap if Tyler doesn’t get to see his own son. She doesn’t see him as being a part of their lives. Because what the heck does a little boy need a dad for anyway – especially one who’s “dirty, dirty-looking, disrespectful,” and who Kelly doesn’t like?
Man, she can’t even come up with three good reasons before she turns it around to “this is what I want.” In my book, dirty and dirty-looking count as one thing, and we don’t see this “disrespectful” until a brief moment at the end when the dude feels backed into a corner. I bet it’s got something to do with not taking off his shoes in the house or some other bullshit social convention that he’s not familiar with because he’s a kid and doesn’t get out much.
And you know what, crazy lady? A little dirt is good for babies, okay? It gives them immunities. Look it up. You know what’s not good for them? Having a dad who wants to see them and can’t, and having a grandma who’s a friggin’ nut job.
Kelly sensed Jordan was pregnant early on, what with the weight gain and the bigger boobs and the eating and sleeping changes. She guesses she should have been more proactive with helping her daughter get some birth control, but she didn’t think sex was a possibility, what with the abundance of things to do in their thriving metropolis and the general tendency of 16-year-olds of every appearance to just hold hands and chit-chat on their dates.
It was my plan that my daughter would only screw pretty people.
She told Jordan they had the “option to get rid of it” at the time. Big of her again. And sensitive.
Tyler texts Jordan that he’s in front of her house. She excuses herself from eating hash browns with Ma to go see him. “Make sure he stays out there,” says Kelly.
Ma, you are one cold bitch.
See, this jerk is just throwing her weight around. Mothers who have a real objection to a daughter’s boyfriend, like if he’s dangerous, violent, or thieving, will not let him in the driveway, either. It’s going to hurt nothing if he comes in. If he’s so dirty, make Jordan run the vacuum when he leaves. We know your house has two floors. Excuse yourself. And bitch, you have nothing to steal, so don’t worry about that. Nobody wants your tacky 5’ square Patrick Nagel knockoff or your wall sculptures that you got for $5.99 at Pier One.
The couple goes to the home of Tyler’s parents, Bryan and Jen, who let them both in and even ask about their day. I dunno, their house looks clean enough. I don’t see any bugs flying around. The walls and chairs are still their original white – no smudges or stains. Jordan says her plan is to remain with Tyler’s family. They are fine with that, and they tell her not to worry. Tyler sweetly helps her off with her shoes.
The couple goes shopping for baby stuff. Jordan narrates that Tyler previously
did not comparison shop, and so paid $300 for a crib when he could probably get a crib and dresser for $200 at Walmart if he doesn’t have a problem with particle board. Kelly was only too happy to take said crib and hold it hostage in her home, where it conspired with the Pier One giraffes to splinter-attack her and make a speedy escape.
Tyler, while your efforts at being a badass are noted, nobody warns their kids about guys who are willing to go bassinet-shopping at your age.
Tyler’s whiteness is mentioned in passing, including Kelly’s stupid idea that he’d raise a mixed kid to be culturally illiterate, as well as Jordan’s friends’ surprise that she got pregnant by a white boy.
That’s right, my white boy’s white boys can swim!
Jordan tells her Megans she’s waiting until the baby’s born to tell Kelly she’s moving in with Tyler for good. They note that this is a little late, and JarkyshaMegan asks if Jordan wants the baby around all that conflict. A bitch in time saves nine, or something, is what I say.
Jen and Bryan bought the baby a surprise bassinet that appears to have an automatic rocking thing on it and some wheels. Jordan and Tyler bought him a hoodie. I love hoodies on babies only slightly less than feet on babies.
Kelly one-ups them by inviting everyone Jordan knows to a baby shower at her house, where diapers abound. If you think this merrymaking will be a reprieve from Kelly’s whack job agenda, you’re mistaken. Jordan talks with her friends for awhile and mentions she’s getting an epidural. One of them mentions she thought Jordan would be with someone cuter. That storyline, I am bored with. Jordan laughs it off.
Why did Jen get Jordan a bassinet? Kelly wants to know. Her subsequent cackling about how it “ain’t gonna get used” is disgusting. Does this broad think she’s impressing people? “Why can’t the baby stay over there?” asks a sensible grownup family friend. “Not up to par with the cleanliness like I am,” says Kelly (with her mouth full) as if she’s been there.
Also, how is he going to thrive without giant magic marker lips from the 80s on the walls?
“Well, can he come here and see the baby?” persists the sensible friend, who must be new. The conversation grinds on, coming around to Kelly’s view of Jordan as “You’re mine, and what’s yours is mine.” Kelly can even decide what drugs Jordan gets, she says, and threatens to withhold the epidural. Can this happen? Does anyone feel like researching it? I know some therapies need parental consent, but epidurals are pretty run-of-the-mill, aren’t they? It’s not like it’s some long shot clinical trial. I don’t know and kind of don’t care – I just wouldn’t be surprised if Kelly made it up.
It’s very important that the baby learn his manners from me.
Jordan requests that Kelly drop it, and Kelly says she’ll drop it like it’s hot for her. Huh? Oh, now who’s culturally illiterate, or at least five years behind on the slang? Jordan flees the house and goes to Tyler’s, where his parents are sympathetic.
Begin Operation Cribgate. Jordan and Tyler sneak into the house while Kelly’s at work (Jordan gives him permission to leave his shoes on), dismantle the crib, and load it into Tyler’s car. Jordan seems to enjoy this. They put it together at Tyler’s house, and he says it’s got some magic to it, and it really feels like they’re having a baby now. Whatever his faults may be, this guy’s the most exemplary babydaddy this season.
If it doesn’t convert to a toddler bed, you’s a shopping chump.
I do like the “baby’s first photo” sonograms above it though. Very cute. Jordan’s friend CelesteMegan comes over to move the plot along. Jordan retrieves a voice message from Kelly, in which either she or Tyler is called a slimeball and Kelly threatens to “walk-walk the walk.” Idiot. Jordan explains to Celeste that she’s making a change to get something different from what she’s always gotten. She puts off returning the call for the time being, plus another week or so.
Library. Jordan discusses her future with her top two Megans. Are you stunned that she doesn’t have a really stable plan for the future? She solicits their input with zero results.
Kelly e-mails an apology, or something like it. Really, it’s just her latest manipulative tactic to get her daughter back into the fold. Her e-mail contains the words “Tyler can be fully involved with his son,” which is exactly the bait Jordan requires. They sit in the house on some tacky red leather seats that I mistake for a restaurant at first. Kelly puts on her gentle voice.
Bitch, you are not for real, no question.
I remain filled with disgust, which only intensifies when I see the strategically placed “Family” sculpture/letter thing behind her. (With her giant head in front of it, I try to imagine it says “Fallacy.”) This is the first of many times it appears, at all of which I say, shut up, clearance half-off bargain bin bullshit. Kelly says she felt like there was a dagger in her back when she saw the crib gone.
Not in her heart, because she doesn’t have one.
Kelly says she didn’t realize how important Tyler was to Jordan. Because babydaddies are disposable. She proposes an open door policy, and even goes as far as inviting Tyler over to discuss this. He is understandably skeptical, so much so that he initially can’t even form words.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was born yesterday, but not yesterday night.
Jordan thanks Kelly backwards and forwards for letting Tyler come over and see his kid – something that reasonable parents would have automatically done in the first place. She tells Tyler she’s staying at her mom’s house – for how long isn’t specified – with the giant all-seeing ersatz Nagel that’s even creepier than he is.
Tyler goes home and discusses all this with Bryan. They both are uncertain about Kelly’s sincerity and the future.
Due date. Jordan’s family decides that the practical thing to do at this point is to coat her belly in plaster. She narrates that Tyler has been distant. This is not so surprising, really. Kelly is yapping as she plasters, basically projecting her possessive assholatry onto Tyler. They finish the belly cast, and shortly thereafter, Jordan’s water breaks. Both Tyler and Kelly attend the birth. Tyler doesn’t have to be tracked down or even told twice. Jordan gets her epidural and nothing is made of that. Time to push. They wheel a mirror over.
Lemme make sure I see every spurt of blood and glop in sharp focus here.
Shocker: Kelly makes more noise than Jordan during the actual birth. The whole thing takes too damn much screen time. Tyler holds the baby and smiles and nuzzles him and it’s sweet. Strummy guitar.
Minivan of Doom. Kelly drives Jordan and baby Chase home. Tyler is supposed to spend the night, and for some reason, this is set up by Jen and Kelly instead of Tyler and Jordan. I guess the kids’ phone batteries are dead from taking pictures of the baby? All of this is highly suspect – more so when Kelly says that Jen said that Tyler had to clean his room – overnight. Jordan admits she said “Just go home” to him. Kid, take a lesson. Teenage boys are literal and not always that smart. He probably figured, “Cool, my work here is done.” The capper is when Kelly tells Jordan not to be so forgiving.
I actually was born yesterday, and I know this is some bullshit.
Tyler shows up the very next morning, just in time for Jordan’s recriminations. She should have told him she wanted him there, he says. Yeah, some serious losses in translation happening here. She says he should have read her mind with his daddy instinct, so finely honed at this juncture. He later says he thought she didn’t want him there.
Commercials. Trident Gum: The official breath freshener of people who don’t wear pants to work.
Later, Jordan narrates that Tyler hasn’t been over in awhile. She invites his parents over to spend some time – arguing about who said what to whom, and what Jordan’s real intentions were. Jen and Bryan get to sit by the Fallacy sculpture this time. This whole thing was staged and everyone knows that Jordan moved back home because Kelly is crazy, and Jordan’s been emotionally battered by her for 17 years and can’t just (for lack of a better term) cut the cord right after she’s just given birth for the first time. Yes, Kelly was manipulative behind her back and to her face. And Jordan is sleep-deprived, and she feels as safe here as anywhere. Jen and Bryan are either slow or bad at improv, or both. Jen mentions that Tyler, who’s not present, is taking it hard. Kelly takes the opportunity to trash him. Jen and Bryan express their thanks for being allowed to hold the kid. This is just sad.
Tyler shows up, apparently way later than he was expected. Jordan gives him crap for blowing off Chase for a baseball game that one time in the future.
Chase covers his eyes and tries to go to his happy place. Hey, look where they’re standing.
Tyler re-realizes this is a losing battle. My experience has been that young guys who are branded losers tend to give up on losing battles, because what’s the point?
Tyler calls and wants to talk. He shows up, apparently late. Jordan doesn’t want him to see the baby. Great, get in the habit early of using the kid as a pawn. Tyler is irritated. Jordan’s two brothers stand on the stairs as if ready for something. When Tyler finally snaps and leaves, they chase him outside. Kelly chases them outside, shouting and waking up the neighborhood like a real high-end classy lady. She calls off her mini-thugs while issuing future threats. What a friggin’ trash bin.
Anyway, somehow those two crazy kids have worked it out at this point, because, like I said, Jordan’s “public figure” Facebook page says they’re engaged. Maybe they got together after the ep to talk about how it had been edited within an inch of its life.
“Don’t get pregnant,” Jordan tells the camera. She also says Tyler doesn’t come around anymore. I can’t imagine why. She tells one of her Megans that she’s dropping out of school, which I think turns out not to happen, because her Facebook also references prom. But possibly it’s Tyler’s prom. I don’t know, I’m not researching it. My work here is done, and I am over this messed up family. I wish Jordan and Tyler the best, and I wish Kelly a painful disease. In addition to her mental one.
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